For context, my dad is Laotian and my mom is Chinese. My mixed ethnicity hasn’t been an issue much as I look like a generic East Asian (even though I’m half southeast Asian, but my dad is from the north so his skin is lighter and people just perceive me as an Asian girl). I was born and raised in the US if that info helps.

Growing up, I’ve been closer to my mom’s side of the family and been more immersed in Chinese culture since I was born. I grew up eating Chinese cooking and celebrated Chinese holidays, wore Chinese outfits and practiced Chinese traditions like Qing Ming or praying to our ancestors and sifus (I’m not religious by the way). I grew up speaking Cantonese as my second language and learned Mandarin. Yet I’m not so in touch with my dad’s culture as I am with my mom’s. Yes I do see relatives from both sides, but I don’t know any Laotian at all, I’ve never celebrated their holidays or done any of their practices, and I only ever ate Laotian food when I went to my paternal grandma’s (which was every few months and she’d always give us food to take home since it was good and my mom liked it too). I’ve been to China 3 times for Christ’s sake and have never been to Laos, my dad’s home country which he dearly misses.

I feel so disconnected from my Laotian heritage, it’s like I have nothing that ties me to it except for my last name which I got from my dad (obviously, but my younger brother has my mom’s last name, the reason why is still fuzzy to me but my aunt from my mom’s side said that it’s important for boys to take the family surname in Chinese culture which is why he has my mom’s last name and I have my dad’s last name). Even people would assume I’m fully Chinese (due to my looks) until they see my last name and ask what ethnicity I am.

My paternal grandma is getting old, and she wants my dad to join her for new year to take part in a Baci ceremony and my dad asked me to join too. I want to be more connected to my Laotian side so I agreed, but my mom is totally against it.

A part of the ceremony requires us to tie our wrists with white cotton for good luck, but in Chinese culture, white is a sign of bad luck as it symbolizes death. My mom told me that I’ve been growing up as a Chinese kid and I shouldn’t turn my back on it and this is bad luck. But since I’ve been raised for SEVENTEEN years without acknowledging my Laotian heritage, I feel it’s more of a reason to get in touch with it now.

Now she’s telling my dad that I’m a Chinese kid and was not raised to be a Laotian kid. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to disrespect my Chinese culture but I don’t want to neglect my Laotian culture at the same time, but this scenario has me stuck. I’m going to go for sure, but I can’t get rid of this feeling of guilt and I need advice on how to resolve this issue between my halves because being Chinese and being Laotian is my identity and it seems like my mom is trying to erase my other half. I know there are other things that I can participate in in Laotian culture but this is something very important and it would feel morally wrong for me to miss this as I don’t know how much time my grandma has.

And when I go, I always have a jade necklace I always wore since I was a baby which was given to me by my maternal grandfather’s sister (grand aunt?) which she “blessed” through many prayers, and I’ve been told that I came into the world because of her blessing as my parents tried to have a kid but repeatedly couldn’t until my grand aunt did some intense praying to our sifus. I always keep this jade necklace on me as it’s got sentiments value for me, but I don’t know if it would be wrong if I wear this to the Baci ceremony.

Another note: my parents don’t get along, never have for as long as I can remember. I only ever saw them happy together in my baby pictures but I don’t remember any of it. Divorce is not an option as they’re both too cowardly to do that so I’ve been stuck with parents who resent each other. Yes I do go to therapy, neither parents are perfect but I’m really struggling with this aspect of my identity being both Chinese and Laotian and the two conflicting with each other. Advice is appreciated.

Edit: TLDR; I’m Chinese and Laotian, my parents don’t get along, and I’ve been more connected to my Chinese heritage than my Laotian heritage. I want to be in a Laotian cultural ceremony as it’s for good luck, but in my Chinese culture it’s seen as bad luck. Still going to go regardless, but don’t know how to resolve the cultural differences/issues/conflicts and it’s further straining my family.

2nd edit: I know my mom isn’t perfect, and neither is my dad. She definitely being unreasonable in this situation but it doesn’t call for name-calling (referring to a now deleted comment calling her the C-word). I’m only a teenager and I love both my parents despite their flaws and issues and it hurts to see these comments made about my mom.