[20M] [20F] My Boyfriend Would Rather Game Then Help Me Clean

Submitted by Drawing_The_ t3_1003xdh in relationship_advice

Alright I'm really not sure if I'm in the wrong here I'm just so tired of being the bad guy telling him to do shit.

I [20F] live with my boyfriend [20M], we've been together for about 2.5 years. I love him very much and in the beginning everything was great. But I started to notice him slack on chores, I didn't think much of it since he worked for our local government and said work has been stressful. (I worked in retail at this time) I just shrugged it off and did all the chores wanting to help him relax and unwind, he does so by playing PC games with his friends. I don't understand how it's relaxing considering he gets pissed at them but he says it's relaxing so who am I to say its wrong. I started asking him to help more as I was getting overwhelmed and he would always sigh like it's a huge deal.

A little under 2 months ago I started at the same job as him just in a different department. I started at a rough time because it's been really hectic and the people teaching me have been gone alot. So I've been really stressed. I hate living in filth but it got to a point where I would only do dishes once a week on Saturday or Friday night. I snapped at him one Friday because he made a comment about how the kitchen and bathroom were dirty. I told him that if he could get his head out of his fucking video games and help it wouldn't be. I told him that I didn't ask to be the only one to do the housework and he got upset and snapped that he does that to unwind. I yelled at him and brought up the point that when I worked retail on weekends and asked him to clean up or do the dishes he wouldn't do it and when I get home he's gaming and I tell him they need to be done before he goes to bed. I would get up in the morning and they wouldn't be done.

I'm tired of yelling and telling him to help without him making him feel like he doesn't need to. We live in this home together and he needs to clean to. I love him and I'm aware this is a red flag but I just want to get him to help out without leaving or threatening to leave him.

TLDR: Boyfriend won't help clean and I've snapped at him to help me and he gets upset. How do I get him to help.

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SugarGlitterkiss t1_j2fcuw4 wrote

It's not "helping" you. That implies keeping a clean environment is your job. It's "pulling his weight", and he's not doing it. You two (not just you) need to make a schedule or chore chart or something.

This will be your life if you don't nip it in the bud. And God forbid you have kids.

Do you want a partner that's happy with you doing all the work? No thanks.

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Drawing_The_ OP t1_j2fe05f wrote

Good point. We did recently buy a month white board with a notes section. I'll have to bring this up with him, it's not the first thing I would've wanted to do but I'm afraid I'm at this point. Thank you.

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southcoastal t1_j2fdho0 wrote

Did he move straight from his parents house to living with you? I bet he did. He’s just substituting his mother for you.

I suggest you stop doing his laundry. He’ll soon buck up his ideas when he has no clean clothes. Then once you have his attention you can start proper house training.

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Drawing_The_ OP t1_j2fe7nf wrote

Surprisingly no. He lived on his own for a little but before I moved out of my first apartment. I'm unsure if I said it in the post but he used to be great about us cleaning. I do agree that he does need to buck up.

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Corgi_Cake t1_j2fdwmo wrote

You're not his mother and you're not his maid. Its entirely justified that you expect your partner to contribute equally around the house. Thats basically all that needs saying.

From my perspective you are making a mistake by focusing on his gaming and implying that his "unwinding time" is a problem in itself. He will use that against you in any argument. The fact is that he isn't holding up his end of household responsibilities, and the reasons for that are largely irrelevant. Stay focused on the crux of the matter.

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Drawing_The_ OP t1_j2feglf wrote

Unfortunately he's the one that brought it up that's its how he unwinds and before I was stupid enough to believe that.

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ThrowAway1993xyz t1_j2ffzp3 wrote

Is this is truely what you want the rest of your life to look like? You have a snapshot right here in front of you. He won’t change. He won’t. But you can. And by you changin I mean your situation.

You don’t have to tolerate spending your life with someone who clearly does not see you as equal.

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IntrospectOnIt t1_j2fcshi wrote

This is plain disregard. Don't let anyone tell you this is executive dysfunction cause it's not. I have executive dysfunction and the guilt eats me alive every single day, especially on days I don't get a single chore done.

Tell him that there is a difference between unwinding and escaping reality and he is not living in reality at the moment. The reality is that he is an adult and he has responsibilities beyond work.

Unwinding is fine IN MODERATION. Sometimes I get stuck on my PC games too, but I work myself around "one more round and I'll get up and do a load of laundry and then start another round." Because my executive dysfunction might be trying to drain me, but I can fake it out with intermittent dopamine inputs.

He doesn't even seem to think keeping any part of the house clean is something he should DO, He's not struggling with this at all. He just wants you to leave him alone so he can game in peace and you can clean up after him like his mommy. You should send him back.

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Drawing_The_ OP t1_j2fdlj8 wrote

I've brought it up with his mother and she said that often times she would turn his PC off because he wouldn't do what he was asked to. I've done it once before and it got results for a bit but I don't want to have to do that. I just want him to understand that he needs to help out.

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IntrospectOnIt t1_j2fdw1v wrote

Then stop. I know it will drive you crazy but ONLY clean up after yourself. Let him sit in his own filth and if he NEVER shows any motivation to not live like that? Just pack your shit and leave him in his own filth.

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Sad_Entertainer6312 t1_j2fecn8 wrote

Divide and conquer. Sit down with him with a big list of all the chores and Divide them up one by one. Then both agree to have all your own chores done by a certain time on a certain day each week. Each of you should be 100% responsible for certain chores.

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Drawing_The_ OP t1_j2fekjl wrote

Another commenter brought it up. It's a good idea and what I'm gonna end up doing. Thank you.

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Sad_Entertainer6312 t1_j2ffk4v wrote

Just be aware that you're the one who wants change. So you're the one who had to take ownership of this, getting the list together etc.

Also if you want to to encourage good habits a d train him, then you need to praise and reward him fir his efforts.

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totallynotarobut t1_j2fmi3t wrote

I came in to say we'd all rather game than clean (more or less) but he still needs to help you.

But then I got to the point where you said he yells at his friends while gaming with them, and is that what you really want? If he'll yell at them over a game he'll likely yell at you and, if you have them, your kids for equally stupid reasons.

Edit: you said he gets pissed, not that he yells. Still applies.

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Drawing_The_ OP t1_j2fp34a wrote

I will say that when I said he gets pissed he yells. But he has never once yelled at me. Fight, or angry with something his voice has never deviated the normal calm and gentleness that he always speaks to me with

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