[27f][29m] My bf has a female friend that he has stopped me from hanging out with over the 8 years we've been together.

Submitted by ThrowRAChancez t3_zzvzku in relationship_advice

We all hung out once, but he made it weird when she began trying to read our couples astrology. She explained how perfect we were for each other speaking directly to me, but he kept feeling the need to interrupt to mention how they're perfect for each other too. She tried to get him to stop, but he kept pushing until both of us got uncomfortable and she was ready to leave. I don't even remember making it much further past that conversation.

Her and I have a lot in common and overall get along well, but he keeps making excuses about why I can't hang out with them.

  1. He claimed she didn't like me, which was a lie, I asked, and she thought I didn't like her because we never hung out after the incident.
  2. He would always tell her that I didn't want to come, even though I would ask.
  3. He claimed I was going to start something with her because of their history. She's made it very clear to me that she's not into him, and all I want is a lady friend I can finally vibe with. Someone who just gets me. I'm not even "allowed" to message her or anything. He thinks it's weird if her and I decided to be fb or instagram friends.
  4. He said she was a lesbian and already mentioned how attractive I was, and he didn't want all the attention to only be on me.

He finally asked me to hang out with them, but then asked me if I was sure because I mentioned in the past that it would upset me if they've been flirting this whole time, to which he said he wasn't sure because they're just "cool" like that. Which is odd to say or not really know of. I'm not trying to keep him away from a childhood friend, but it's really starting to feel like he's been chasing after her this whole time, and the only reason it hasn't gone further is because of her. I really need some advice. I don't feel jealous I still really like her and have never minded them hanging out, outside of his off hand comments to me about me being jealous. More so seems like he would try to get me riled up as to seem crazy so that he can show that to her.

He was constantly rotating his excuses, and when I try to talk to him about it he says it's all of that, but can't bring up anything I've done to deserve being seen the way he sees me. To me it feels like he feels like I'm in the way. He would bring up how they would hang out all the time before me, and I stopped that, but I didn't get to ever speak to her until 6 months into our relationship, and he was the one pressuring me to move in so we could spend all of our time together.

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icebluefrost t1_j2dvt69 wrote

I mean, frankly it sounds to me like he likes her but she’s not interested so he got with someone a lot like her (you) instead, but is still kind of holding out hope that she’ll change her mind.

I could be totally wrong, but that’s how this reads.

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southcoastal t1_j2dzhp6 wrote

8 years of being second string to his unrequited love. That’s….. dedication.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e1kqj wrote

...yeah. was dumb enough to believe the whole "I'm over her" episode. Chose to take him at his word instead of trusting my gut. Want to believe that he has chosen me after 8 years, but part of me knows if she called right now and asked him to drop me, it would probably only take him an hour or less to get through.

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Gnork t1_j2eiebu wrote

You should go. He's not a prize worth winning.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2eluan wrote

Currently, not at all, and it's very sad considering he has kids. It's really like im their dad, and I love them a lot so that's tough enough. He refuses to get along with the mother of his children, and he broke his phone a year ago, so I've been middle manning everything for a year. I know he should eventually get better, but when will that be? He's concerned with having fun right now so that could be forever. I keep seeing the good in him but he keeps it from me.

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GrouchyYoung t1_j2es83v wrote

So he’s aggressive and violent in addition to being in love with someone else. Get out.

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Gnork t1_j2f68ji wrote

> I know he should eventually get better, but when will that be?

Oof, who told you that? He's a shit partner, that's just who he is. No amount of hoping, or being the bestest girlfriend ever, or waiting patiently for him to come around will make him see you. Get gone!

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2SadSlime t1_j2fr99d wrote

Wait so he hasn’t had a cellphone in a year?! Please leave omg. Your life will be so much better

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Prislv223 t1_j2e0soq wrote

Dump him and be best friends with her.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e1wi9 wrote

I wanted to, but at this point, life moves on. I won't reject her if she reaches out to me though. I'd let that lady drag me around anywhere. I get why he likes her so much, I like her a lot, but he could do better at just helping me be more comfortable.

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Prislv223 t1_j2eimub wrote

Idk if he’s going to get better about being better towards you. I know it’s not that other girl’s fault but honestly you could reach out and talk to her about it. Maybe you guys could have “a come to Jesus meeting” about it.

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KindheartednessNo167 t1_j2fe8tb wrote

This.

If she is a lesbian, she might talk highly of you and he might get jealous. It sounds like she sees through his B.S.

I hope you find the strength within yourself to leave him. It's sad that his friend values you more than he does.

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totallynotarobut t1_j2ecoys wrote

There's good news here. After 8 years, he's still your BF and not your husband.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2edmfi wrote

These are facts. I went from truly desiring marriage in every way, to being okay alone if that's what it comes to.

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biteme717 t1_j2egl29 wrote

After all this time and the things he's said enough is enough! Where is your self respect and dignity? Send them both a break up text and move on with your life. He doesn't truly love you and is only with you until she wakes up. I personally would have left him when he told you both that he and her were a perfect match to. He wants her, he will screw her if she's willing and he's already told you, he doesn't allow you to be friends with her. What more do you need to know? He's a liar and manipulator and is controlling you and the situation until he gets what he wants. Leave the relationship with him and go live your life, he ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE, it's been 8 years of the same old crap and 8 years of you being second choice stop being a carnival prize! Leave them both behind

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2ekl4w wrote

Oh, I had 0 dignity and respect for myself when we first got together. I had actually just got out of a previous bad relationship. Told him all about it and he basically ended up being the same. The issue is that I'm waking up and he doesn't like it. He's waiting for her to wake up but never considered that maybe she's decided to go another way entirely. I've attempted to leave in the past but he plays the guilt game. He's "left" but he just comes right back after saying he wasn't ever coming back. I truly just want peace and it's sad that I have to give in to his way and only his way, or leave completely, to even get close to the peace I desire.

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biteme717 t1_j2emkgm wrote

Leave completely, he doesn't deserve you and you sure as hell don't deserve him! I would also make sure that he can't come back and I would block, delete and ghost him. You deserve so much better and you need to be happy and single without any burdens of him. Good luck to you

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Present-Ad-3819 t1_j2e9tns wrote

8 years and he still treats you like a second option to a friend that has rejected him that you know of??? Leave him

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2ee4dc wrote

Yeah, I know I sound pretty dumb. Kids that I love were involved and I think at the time I went autopilot I had decided to stick it out for them. He just wasn't doing as well as he should. I know it's not my burden. They're just special to me. There's like 3 years of memories missing that I should have and it's terrifying. I don't want that happening again.

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f1newhatever t1_j2fuo12 wrote

Literally none of that is a reason to stay in this godawful relationship. What is the right thing for you?

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2e34h7 wrote

It’s been 8 years so I think it’s safe to say there’s something there and that’s the reason why he doesn’t want you both mixing with each other. If he’s not prepared to fix the situation, then end it. It’s so odd that 8 years down the line and he’s still trying to keep you separated from her. Red flags.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e4n9w wrote

He makes me feel wrong for feeling that way. Understandble if it is the truth. He just invited me to hang out with them after the holidays but only because hes worried ill leave him, if he goes alone. He confessed during an argument that if something happened between them he wouldnt stop it, but that he would want me to be part of it if anything. I explained how uncomfortable that made me. He backed it up by saying I might want to think about it because they're "cool like that" and he isn't sure what I'd take as flirting. In the past he's mentioned wanting her to be our third, claiming he was just kidding afterward. I used to take him for his word but his actions scream the opposite.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2e4zlq wrote

Aw come on. He’s literally said if she starts something he won’t stop in. Kick his ass out and find someone decent. You deserve better. Why are you allowing him to treat you like this?

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e8mxp wrote

You know the whole spiel: "I never said that, that's not what I meant, you're twisting my words, why are you jealous, I'm here with you, what about my happiness". I feel crazy saying this, but it feels like he's trying to break me down until i crack. Between work and my iron deficieny I was too tired to catch anything in time. I wanted to take him for his word, but sadly finding out you really can't do that, once someone shows themselves. I think I went autopilot for like 3 years because I can't remember 2015-2018.

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snarfblattinconcert t1_j2eb6n5 wrote

The Narcissist's Prayer by Dayna Craig:

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.

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pPC_bC t1_j2fiq52 wrote

You're 27, young but not young enough to waste more years in a relationship where you're the placeholder waiting to be dropped soon as the bff decides she wants your bf.

Do you want to wait 8 more years?

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terracottatilefish t1_j2ecnqu wrote

  1. if she seems cool, just eliminate the middleman and communicate directly with her. Your phone will work just as well as his.

  2. your BF, as you’ve surmised, seems to be just not that into you. Do with that what you like.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2eeno8 wrote

Ive done 1 and it's caused numerous unecessary arguments about him thinking I'm trying to make him look like a bad boyfriend. I've brought 2 up to him and he acts like im crazy for feeling that way. At the end of the day I'm sure it's just the fact that I do a lot for him. It's not me that he likes. I take care of everything and he just sits back. He chips in at times but the exchange is nowhere near even.

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spyddarnaut t1_j2ffbix wrote

Momma, why are you trying so hard to make this work when he isn’t? Whatever work you put in will never be enough to cover his part of the deal. He obviously can strategize and put in the effort. You see it every time he acts and reacts in this totally unreasonable manner to defend his interests. Now add all those ‘convos’ up during your 8 yrs and tell me if he couldn’t have improved on so much if he’d just given a 1/16th of a fk about your feelings?!?

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giag27 t1_j2e563e wrote

Do yourself a favour, move on, you’ve already spent 8 years. Don’t waste another 8. Move on, have fun, work on yourself, maybe some therapy (understand why you would knowingly stay being a placeholder for so long) and then find your person. He ain’t your person.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e948b wrote

It's sad but I think I understand already. I truly just wanted him to chose me. Especially with all the work I put in. It's almost like I put all my effort into a project just for it to be given away to someone else with no recognition.

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Livingeachdayatedge t1_j2eompe wrote

The project was never yours. You are doing someone else work. The project already has another leader. You are just the free labour doing all the hard work while leader getting recognition.

You need to find your own project with your name as leader.

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GennyNels t1_j2ejmg3 wrote

Maybe you should befriend her and ditch him?

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OffusMax t1_j2eorfb wrote

Sounds like he’s been trying to have something with her and doesn’t want the two of you to compare notes.

I suggest getting together with her without him knowing and talk about everything with her. And after that , depending on what you learn, maybe get rid of him.

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melly_swelly t1_j2ezonr wrote

Please respect yourself and leave. Never look back. He's a tool and has been gaslighting you for years.

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Gator-bro t1_j2fk424 wrote

Sounds to me like he actually wants her and not you. You’re there to keep him occupied until I guess he can figure out how to get her instead. At which point you become expendable.

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_liquidmetalz_ t1_j2fnbp2 wrote

It baffles me that yall are in your late 20s acting like you're in high school. Not you specifically, mostly him. I would leave him. Be friends with her. Start dating a man, not some dude who acts like a child who has a petty crush.

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f1newhatever t1_j2fudva wrote

Damn you sure are underreacting here. Time to reread your post as though another person wrote it. He’s blatantly waving the red flags in front of you.

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WolverineNo8799 t1_j2f51ri wrote

Time for you to make him your ex, he is longing for a relationship with his female friend and your just the stop gap until he wears her down enough to date him.

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spaceyjaycey t1_j2ffdr0 wrote

He's using you! Please respect yourself and find someone who chooses you to be number one.

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vndin t1_j2ffwef wrote

Youre his placeholder till she warms to the idea of a relationship.... u need to cut your losses and exit.

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[deleted] t1_j2eyo2x wrote

He has an EA with her, and that is why she doesn't want you around. She considers you expendable, and he has gone along with it, so have you. Stop it and change the dynamic.

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inna_hey t1_j2eqi3e wrote

Confusing pronouns in that first paragraph

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Ayo1912 t1_j2fk00t wrote

I'd try to meet up with her anyway. Seems like she'll have some interesting things to tell you about him if he's so desperate to keep you away from her.

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[deleted] t1_j2dv6bc wrote

[deleted]

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2dvy7n wrote

He basically does all the things I've been asking him to do with me, with her instead, so yeah it kind of matters. Ill ask to go for walks and he'll decline to play his game, but the moment shes available thats all they do. My favorite band was in town and he didnt even tell me about it because he had planned to go with her. This was on my birthday. He didnt even know the band until he met me. I introduced him to it. She barely knows them. He even made her a song and I'm the one who got him into making music. He hasn't made me a single song and won't even work with me because he admitted to being jealous of my skill.

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[deleted] t1_j2dxn6i wrote

[deleted]

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e2vfo wrote

I really appreciate your responses. I'm trying to make sure my eyes are in fact open, because my gut has been screaming at me. I've been holding him down on the basis of me believing he chose me, because that's what he claims, but at the end of the day it didn't seem like much of a choice. It feels like the first 4 years were him pretending I was someone else, and these last 4 years are him finally getting to know me. We've had some stupid arguments based off him thinking I'm exactly like him and me realizing he has never paid much attention to me overall as a person. A piece of me does wish he would just stop talking to her considering the issues we've had, but I know better than to demand that from anyone.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e0dsm wrote

If anything he's done nothing but try and talk to her. Even when she never responds. At times he would go into crisis and even cry thinking she didn't like him anymore, and she made it clear he was being annoying but it took him a long time to stop. I would beg him to calm down and not blow her up so much but he would write me off as jealous. He has in a sense admitted to rather being with her. He's fizzled out since making the statement but part of me feels like it's only because he's accepted that she doesn't want him, but is still somehow holding out for her. He told me years ago that he believed his feelings meant they were destined to be together. He recently brought up opening up our relationship on the basis of being able to have access to her in anyway he wanted. I didn't include it because he took it back, but it definitely raised flags, especially with him claiming he was over her previously. I believe at heart he wants us both, but mine is more of a supporting role. She gets way more respect than he gives me. He won't even look at another girl if she's in the room. I love him enough to put up with a lot, but after 8 years I'm starting to break. We just about have this conversation everyday because he wants things his way, but doesn't want to lose me at the same time. I've never made him stop talking to her, but he's severely jealous and doesn't give the same energy he wants. He wants freedom from me, but from him there are rules to what I can and can't do. I truly want to believe that he picked me, but deep down I know if she asked to be with him right now, and all he had to do was drop me, we would be done. That part hurts the most. I love him but when they're together he won't even text me or call. He will literally stay out all night, never come home, and just show up at our job, having her drop him off. The rumors are annoying enough to deal with. I would've included all this, but it's already novel length.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2dw5b4 wrote

Also didn't mention it here, but his feelings for her have been a long back and forth with our relationship. Mainly him doing too much and me trying to help him keep a friend and not run her off. It's too much to include here but it's been a long road of him basically being down to drop me for her if she ever said so.

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ThrowRAChancez OP t1_j2e2ylv wrote

I really appreciate your responses. I'm trying to make sure my eyes are in fact open, because my gut has been screaming at me. I've been holding him down on the basis of me believing he chose me, because that's what he claims, but at the end of the day it didn't seem like much of a choice. It feels like the first 4 years were him pretending I was someone else, and these last 4 years are him finally getting to know me. We've had some stupid arguments based off him thinking I'm exactly like him and me realizing he has never paid much attention to me overall as a person. A piece of me does wish he would just stop talking to her considering the issues we've had, but I know better than to demand that from anyone.

2