[21F] [23M] Sexually Repulsed by BF of 3 years

Submitted by theprincessofkittens t3_1000rlf in relationship_advice

So my boyfriend and I have been off and on since I was 15 but we got back together and have stayed together for 3 years now.. I love him. I don't doubt that I love him. We've had ups and we've had downs and we've had Very Very Bad Downs... but, we have managed. And I've stayed. But. Here's the thing.

I've recently been wondering if I was asexual, because I do not enjoy having sex or engaging in any kind of sexual activity with my boyfriend at all. We've done things before, and in the beginning I made myself because I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't get any enjoyment out of it. I was actually incredibly repulsed.. and eventually I stopped hiding it. And we haven't done anything in over a year now. Much to his disappointment.

I've just swept these feelings under the rug for awhile, because I didn't know how to deal with them but they're always there and driving me nuts. And here's the thing...

After consideration, I DON'T think I'm asexual.

Because I'm very strongly attracted to women and have no problem being aroused when it comes to them.

I've identified as bisexual for a long time.. and that's never been a problem. But I'm starting to think maybe I'm just a lesbian? And if I am, what do I do? Because I love my boyfriend, he's my best friend. I don't want to lose him.

Sex really is not that big of a deal to me, I'm fine not having it. But he wants it, he respects that I don't. But, I just worry for how long can he actually handle it? He cheated on me two years ago when I WAS giving him sex.. and as far as I know, he hasn't since and we've worked every day to get past everything that happened. But I just worry. If he could do that then, what about now? How long can he stay faithful if I'm not putting out?

Especially when he knows I AM attracted to women, and I know for a fact that it makes him feel incredibly insecure when I mention women or when I talk about masturbation or sex toys, things like that. And I feel bad for him. So I just don't know what to do.

Because again, I do love him. He actually had a health scare pretty recently, and I was terrified he was going to die. And I think that made me realize after, what has been awhile of wondering do I actually still love him, YES I do. I do still love him.

But I'm not sexually attracted to him. This isn't to say I don't think he's beautiful, because I do. He's a very attractive man, and I always tell him how gorgeous he is because he is. And I genuinely can and do appreciate when a man is attractive. But.. where do I go from here? I find it hard to even allow him to kiss me... and sometimes he notices how I pull away and I can see how much that hurts him.

From an outside view this probably sounds so messy... but.. if anyone has any advice or words of widsom.. I'd be obliged.. thank you

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AngryTudor1 t1_j2ettkk wrote

Look, you know what you need to do and it is going to happen eventually anyway.

Yes, you "love" him. But you aren't going to spend your entire life with him and you know that. Your relationship is already a patchwork of compromises and some of those are compromises neither of you should be having to make for a long term relationship.

You don't know if you are lesbian yet because you have yet to have sex with anyone that you really connect with sexually. It might need a woman, but you might feel that connection with a different man. You wont know until you find out.

The love you have for him is not good enough to put aside a lifetime of sexual connection and satisfaction for yourself, and neither is the love he has for you. You realise that you cannot satisfy him as a sexual partner either? Yes, you can have sex with him and make him orgasm. But he has much better sexual experiences ahead of him with someone else who actually wants to sleep with him.

You can't sustain a relationship where you feel disgusted in any way by your partner. You must know this.

Free both of you rather than delaying the inevitable

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Khaenin t1_j2eri5x wrote

It sounds like you are a lesbian. If he’s attractive and you feel repulsed sexually that’s a solid sign… he cheated on you as well… not good. It sounds like you need to break away from this and explore yourself more away from this guy.

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FlannelPajamas123 t1_j2essbv wrote

There’s something in here that I’m feeling, saying that there’s more to the “really low times”. And I can say from personal experience I went through a similar issue with me ex husband. I KNEW that I loved him but was repulsed by any sexual advances he made. And ofcourse I put the issue on myself, thinking I was asexual or trauma from my childhood. But after a few years of the no sex…. the little things that I outwardly ignored became bigger and I soon realized that he wasn’t a good person at all and he treated me horribly. It was that glow of a trauma bond that I “Loved”…. Well we’ve been divorced for a couple years now and I can confidently say I’m not asexual. Regardless of the reason you feel this way, weather it’s because you’re a lesbian or something else… this isn’t a relationship your body wants to be and you should always listen to your body. Don’t ever try and change how you feel or do something just to make someone else happy. Because in the end you’ll end up miserable and you lose that time to be truly happy. My advice is to listen to your intuition, it’s screaming for you to get out of this relationship. Give yourself a year of figuring out who you are after 3 years of living for and with someone else. You’ve already started the right steps. You stopped forcing yourself to have sex that was repulsive to you and that’s two years of feeling violated deep down. You need to really take time for yourself, learn to love yourself and respect your needs and wants more than others needs and wants. Loving someone is not putting your needs to the side for theirs, it’s two healthy people that take care of their own needs and love eachother for who they are.

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FlannelPajamas123 t1_j2etyqn wrote

And I also wanted to add that you can love someone and not be in a sexual relationship with them. One of my best friends is a lesbian and we love eachother very much, I WISH I was a lesbian too because she’s the perfect person for me! But I’m not and we’ve discussed it and accepted that friends is where we thrive. Now she’s married to a wonderful woman and I have two awesome friends.

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