(30-F)(40-M). I feel like my boyfriend speaks to me in a childish and selfish way. But I don’t know how to respond to explain to him how much is upsets me.

Submitted by Throwraes t3_zzhn26 in relationship_advice

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 years. During this time, he has quit work (due to anxiety and depression), and basically just stays on the sofa all day watching tv or playing video games everyday. I have tried my best to support and encourage him, but I find him very self centred. Whenever I suggest doing something or going somewhere, he responds “I don’t want to”. Or when he is communicating what he would like, it’s always “I want x”. I know that doesn’t sound so bad when you read it, but having something tell you “I want x” or “I don’t want x” numerous times a day for years is exhausting. He never speaks about a situation or problem as a “we” issue. It comes across like having a conversation with a spoilt 5 year old! I’ve tried to explain to him that is stresses me out, and have asked if he could try to word things slightly differently, but he just responds saying that his way of talking is completely normal and common.

Recently, my mum suggested that she dog sit for us so that my bf and I could go on holiday for a week. She said she could notice I was exhausted from working so much, and that she thought a break would do me/us good. My boyfriend nodded as if he agreed, but the minute we were out the room, he turned to me and said “I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to travel for hours, I don’t want to pay for a holiday, I don’t want to be away from my bed for any longer than I have to etc”.

I reminded him that I would be the one driving (he doesn’t drive), and that I would pay for the holiday. He still kept moaning. I suggested we could book somewhere closer in the UK to stay for a few days. He said he “doesn’t want to have to cook or clean”. Funny that, because he doesn’t even do any cooking or cleaning when he is at home with me. I told him I’m upset because I feel that he is too selfish, and that me always putting him first and him never compromising is restricting my health/happiness. He said I am being horrible and selfish and putting my needs before his.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. Someone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?! He and I live a very isolated life as we don’t have many friends, so very few people see his behaviour and I have nobody else to talk to about it. I understand he has anxiety, but I also feel that he does absolutely nothing to improve his life. He is so comfortable living off benefits and being lazy. He eats McDonald’s food every single day because he is extremely fussy with food, and he only drinks full sugar cola because he hates all other drinks. He came to my mum’s house for Christmas (took 3 months to convince him to do that because apparently his ideal Christmas would be “to lay on the sofa in his pants eating pizza and watching horror movies”) and we had to make him burgers for Christmas dinner because he refused to try any roast dinner. After the meal, he told me he was going upstairs to play video games for hours, and when I asked if he could just stay downstairs with me and my family for a bit because it was a special occasion, he said I am selfish for forcing him to do things that make him uncomfortable. He said that all men like to game or do other hobbies for hours each day, and that I should respect that. I wouldn’t mind so much if he actually helped with any chores or had any other responsibilities. There is any excuse for everything. And if I sit down and tell him I’m upset with his behaviour, he just goes quiet and doesn’t speak to me for days. Until I usually eventually end up apologising to him.

I don’t know how to speak to him anymore. There must be a better way of me communicating this, but I don’t know how. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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MissMarionMac t1_j2box16 wrote

Oh my God.

I have depression and anxiety. I see my therapist, I take medication, and I have hobbies that I enjoy that get me out of the house because I know it's good for me.

The fact that he doesn't even seem to be trying to manage the depression and anxiety, but rather he's choosing to embrace and even wallow in it... that is a huge red flag.

He is not willing to lift a finger to take care of himself, or contribute to the life the two of you are living together.

Do you actually like him? Is this relationship making your life better, or worse?

Until he is willing to take some concrete steps to get his life on track, nothing will change, and it will probably get worse.

You deserve so much better.

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Throwraes OP t1_j2bqsus wrote

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what you have said.

He does see a therapist once a week, although it took years for me to basically force him to start doing this. 😔 He behaves better towards me for about 48 hours after every session, and then returns to his bad habits. I have also noticed that he only ever goes to older, female therapists, and that he loves for them to feel sorry for him and mother him.

I do like/love some things about him. He can be caring and supportive at times, he makes me smile and laugh a lot of the time, and I do believe he loves me. But I have also recently started to resent him a little. I resent that he seems to have no real consequences for any of actions. He can lay there all day, gaming, eating rubbish, and avoiding any kind of social contact. I have to work, walk the dogs, drive us everywhere etc. I feel more like his support worker than his partner. In recent months, I have noticed my mental health and my self care declining massively. I stay in all the time with him, rarely see any friends, and don’t cook much or clean anymore. My life has become oddly comfortable, yet very uncomfortable at the same time. But we’ve been together so long that it feels like he is part of me. As if our lives only exist when together. We live together, have dogs together, and do pretty much everything together. I know this probably sounds pathetic, but I don’t know how to be alone anymore. I am so scared. And I feel like I would miss him very much. I care about him deeply.

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MissMarionMac t1_j2bs40r wrote

Sounds like you're dealing with some of the sunk-cost fallacy--the idea that you've invested so much time and energy into something that you can't back out now.

You can.

(And honestly, take that holiday by yourself if you want to. Just for a change of scene and to explore on your own.)

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Throwraes OP t1_j2bt21o wrote

You’re right.

Thank you, I may just do that. I’m just so used to doing everything with him. But I need to learn to be independent again and find my confidence. I really appreciate your time and help.

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themanfromUNCLE100 t1_j2bpf0n wrote

You are not dating a man but a man child. Obviously he has issues but he's refusing to accept responsibility and work on his issues. Listen to your gut feeling. That's called reasoned thinking and not being unreasonable and overreacting. Don't stay in this relationship for the fear of being alone. You have invested a lot of time, effort and energy in this relationship. Now don't waste any more time in this because you have been with for 7 years. This is called SUNK COST FALLACY where people keeps on investing more time, effort and energy to something because they're already heavily invested in it.

You should be on your own for few months. Decide for yourself what do you want in a relationship and in a partner. This is very important phase unless you understand yourself you'd waste your precious years with another person.

The time has come to end it and move on in life.

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Throwraes OP t1_j2brapo wrote

Thank you for your response.

You are right. But I love him very much and feel I would miss him greatly if we weren’t together. He can be very sweet to me sometimes, it’s just this selfish way of communicating he has that really hurts me. He had a rough childish as he lost his mum very young, and then his Dad was useless. So I don’t think he ever really grew up or learned healthy communication skills. But, I have suggested couples counselling and he doesn’t want to try it. Apparently the reason is because he thinks “you and the counsellor will gang up against me”.

I have put so much into the relationship. We live together, have dogs together, and have years of routines etc that we got used to. I don’t know how I’d cope without him.

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BigDaddyTrixter t1_j2bpmj1 wrote

You are being unreasonable keeping this person in your life… WHY keep him around? You’ve been with him 7 years - where did you find him and what did he do before you took him in and supported him…???

He doesn’t work, he doesn’t drive, he doesn’t do anything for you other than add stress, make demands and refuse to offer any form of support (mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc.).

Leave while you can, build a life before you lose yourself to this mess…

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Throwraes OP t1_j2bslab wrote

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right. But I feel that it’s a little more complicated than that. It’s my fault for not giving enough detail and explanation in my original post.

My boyfriend had a very tough early life. His mum died suddenly when he was 9, and then his father didn’t really look after him properly. He didn’t have any friends growing up, and became a social recluse with severe social anxiety.

We met at university many years ago, and he was always kind towards me. I am also a bit socially awkward, so we got on really well and became good friends. That eventually developed into a relationship.

He was a lot more functional back then, but things have changed over the years. He became a lot more depressed, dropped out of his masters degree, and then got signed off work long term because he believed he could not work due to his anxiety and low mood. I understood and supported him as best I could, but it has been 6 years and he has developed a lot of really bad, lazy habits now. He is complacent about pretty much everything. I was doing a Doctorate and asked him to help by proof reading my Thesis. He went on and on about how the thesis was stressing him out and adding a burden to his life. I ended up sleeping in the spare room for weeks and just doing the work without discussing it with him. I eventually told him he had upset me, and he apologised. But his behaviour hasn’t really improved. He can change one little thing, but the general behaviour stays the same.

I have to add that he has recently started being assessed for high functioning autism, so it is likely this plays a big part in his behaviours. It makes me question how reasonable/unreasonable my expeditions are all the time. But I also know so many people on the autism spectrum who aren’t rude and entitled like him. So I don’t know. He said I need to be more patient with him. But it has been years. He can be a fun companion, but he doesn’t make me feel secure or happy in the long term. 😔

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BigDaddyTrixter t1_j2fk86g wrote

Unfortunately, it seems you are more willing to make excuses for his behavior/actions than you are willing to understand/accept how toxic this man is to your life and future…

So I will ask you this instead: do you want a PARTNER or a dependent friend that fails to make any contribution to you, your efforts, the household, the relationship, or the overall well-being/livelihood expected of another…

YES, agreed… he needs help: but that starts with him helping himself (first)… and you don’t have the proper training, disciplines, or relationship to communicate what is needed (he already has you cornered, you are spoon feeding this existence for him)…

BUT: you came here for advice and reassure… maybe you were expecting a pat on the back instead?

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Throwraes OP t1_j2foyaz wrote

Hi, thank you for your response.

I completely agree with you, and can assure you that I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back.

I have a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, and I think that has made it harder to leave. I am a strong empath and have ended up making excuses and trying to hold on to hope he would change. And I have also felt too ashamed to ask others for advice or admit things weren’t working because people often assume that a psychologist will have all the answers (ironically, I do when working with other people, but it is very different when it’s your personal life, and I don’t want to be psychoanalysing my partner). All of this has left me gradually more and more isolated, and therefore doubting myself constantly.

I have spoken with my partner today and explained that we will be separating. I am now just trying to work things out so that we can split without too much stress or drama.

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond and provide your advice. You are completely right that I need a partner, not a friend that I look after. And it is true that I have made excuses and avoided the truth for too long. Thank you for your help.

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