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[deleted] OP t1_j2dzs1a wrote

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pinupcthulhu t1_j2e62rg wrote

>He she you as a modern independent woman and wants things to be based on equality.

On what planet is being the gestational parent, and paying for everything, --while also doing everything while the other hardly lifts a finger-- considered "equality"? Definitely not on this planet!

In addition, he is callously trying to undermine her ability to be an independent person by cutting out all of the things she needs to take care of herself and his kid, in a house that he now owns: if he kicks her out, she has nothing. He even wrote it into their legal relationship agreement that she doesn't get a piece of the home he refuses to truly share with her, made her lose her scholarship, is ruining her chances of getting a degree, and is also tanking her career-- these are all huge, necessary things for a person to be independent. This is clearly straight up sabotage from the bf. You make this sound so flattering to both of them, when in reality her bf is a callous leech at best, and at worst is committing financial*, emotional, and likely other subtle or not-so-subtle abuse.

I agree that this isn't fixable, and that he'll never pull a fraction of his weight, but he's not doing it because of "equality;" he's doing it because he's a terrible person. This is an important distinction.

OP, please go talk to someone you trust about this who might be able to help: a school counselor, your advisor, a kind parent/relative/friend, or etc. You need help, and you need to have an empathetic ear to help you gain control of your life again. Don't let anyone tell you that you're going to lose custody of your kid, either: if you lay out everything you had before the kid that your bf ruined for you, the fault line becomes clear, and I imagine you'll get a healthy alimony (edit: child support) from this. Talk to someone about your legal rights here too, just to make sure that you get everything you need going forward.

*Primer on financial abuse: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-is-financial-abuse-these-are-the-signs/

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e6r3f wrote

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pinupcthulhu t1_j2e81wq wrote

*child support, not alimony.

>She knew what she was getting into witn this man.

Wow still victim blaming? Dude is over a decade older than her, yet he gets no fault in this in your eyes? I see you.

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enonymousCanadian t1_j2ejbw8 wrote

The equality of she runs her business, ensures the kid is clothed and fed, and runs the household while he pays part of the household finances. That’s not equality.

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jkelsey1 t1_j2f43za wrote

Based on equality? Nothing about what op described is equal. She's paying the brunt of the load for their child, doing all the house work, and raising the kid solo.

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neontrotski t1_j2e4vvp wrote

And there’s gonna be some child support

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e56ia wrote

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[deleted] OP t1_j2eitcv wrote

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UnquantifiableLife t1_j2eo9s6 wrote

Your kid deserves the alimony and child support. It is literally the least the man can do after financially abusing you for so long.

Go talk to a lawyer.

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Golden_standard t1_j2folz1 wrote

You need to care about alimony and child support. Frankly, that’s part of the reason you’ve allowed this to go on for so long. He clearly cares about his finances, that’s why he’s not contributing fairly. This relationship has bankrupted you, financially, mentally, and emotionally. You’re so deep in the hole you don’t even know you’re in it. One of the reasons he probably doesn’t want to marry you is so he doesn’t have to pay alimony. This is exactly what alimony is for: your devotion to the home and your kid has severely limited your ability to financially take care of yourself, and has increased his financial stability (he’s saved so much money by not contributing to the upkeep of your kid).

Clearly, you’re capable of taking care of yourself and your son. Perhaps he’s beaten you down emotionally for so long you don’t believe it anymore. Keep going to therapy and share ALL of this with your therapist.

You’re asking this man for permissions to make decisions about your own life. You don’t need his permission. Use the credit card and put your son in daycare.

Use that time to rebuild your business. Your boyfriend (he’s not your partner) doesn’t have to like it and he doesn’t have to agree. Take that money and hire a damn lawyer. You need to leave this relationship and he needs to pay child support.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this; this is a very hard lesson to learn…you’ve given up your life to live his and it’s literally hurting you in more ways than one. It’s not worth it sweetheart.

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