Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Rat_king5 t1_j2dzbo5 wrote

Honestly he doesn't sound like a good partner he's not really helped at all outside of giving sperm and being around. Seek help from family rather than going to him every time he's not giving any solutions. I hate to say it but there's a reason he's been married twice and they failed and there's a reason a man 13 years older than you has you trapped but the first step is making a plan to leave.

98

b-randy90 t1_j2e01rk wrote

I’m so so sorry you are in this situation. I don’t have any great advice. But I do wonder if you have any friends or family that know what’s going on.

Your partner sounds like a misogynist and is financially abusing you. It’s ridiculous that you were shouldering the cost of raising a child and doing all the work. And when you can’t anymore, he just makes you totally drop expenses instead of pulling his weight and helping.

My recommendation would be to fill in a trusted friend or family member that could help you find a place to stay until you are back on your feet. You and your kid deserve better than this. He’s trying to manipulate and degrade you into accepting this. My bet is he thinks it’s working.

58

Dysteech t1_j2e1qa7 wrote

Your partner has a great gig going on—you take care of his kid, take care of him, have sex with him, and you pay him for the privilege! At least if you leave you’ve got a shot of getting child support off him.

239

pinupcthulhu t1_j2e62rg wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#1,229,480)

>He she you as a modern independent woman and wants things to be based on equality.

On what planet is being the gestational parent, and paying for everything, --while also doing everything while the other hardly lifts a finger-- considered "equality"? Definitely not on this planet!

In addition, he is callously trying to undermine her ability to be an independent person by cutting out all of the things she needs to take care of herself and his kid, in a house that he now owns: if he kicks her out, she has nothing. He even wrote it into their legal relationship agreement that she doesn't get a piece of the home he refuses to truly share with her, made her lose her scholarship, is ruining her chances of getting a degree, and is also tanking her career-- these are all huge, necessary things for a person to be independent. This is clearly straight up sabotage from the bf. You make this sound so flattering to both of them, when in reality her bf is a callous leech at best, and at worst is committing financial*, emotional, and likely other subtle or not-so-subtle abuse.

I agree that this isn't fixable, and that he'll never pull a fraction of his weight, but he's not doing it because of "equality;" he's doing it because he's a terrible person. This is an important distinction.

OP, please go talk to someone you trust about this who might be able to help: a school counselor, your advisor, a kind parent/relative/friend, or etc. You need help, and you need to have an empathetic ear to help you gain control of your life again. Don't let anyone tell you that you're going to lose custody of your kid, either: if you lay out everything you had before the kid that your bf ruined for you, the fault line becomes clear, and I imagine you'll get a healthy alimony (edit: child support) from this. Talk to someone about your legal rights here too, just to make sure that you get everything you need going forward.

*Primer on financial abuse: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-is-financial-abuse-these-are-the-signs/

33

Meowtist- t1_j2e6ta3 wrote

Bro use paragraphs to break up this wall of text for the love of god

5

pinupcthulhu t1_j2e81wq wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#1,231,981)

*child support, not alimony.

>She knew what she was getting into witn this man.

Wow still victim blaming? Dude is over a decade older than her, yet he gets no fault in this in your eyes? I see you.

14

Who_Am_I_1978 t1_j2efreh wrote

He isn’t doing anything to help you raise your child right now….what makes you think he will step up if you leave him? Doesn’t sound like he would even want 50/50 custody, let alone full custody.

52

Tinkerbelll666 t1_j2egy1q wrote

Wow. I'm so sorry. He's absolutely screwed you. If you no longer want to be with him, separate and file for child support.

16

brucespringsteinfan t1_j2emurz wrote

It sounds like he contributes nothing to your life and doesn't help with the kid or the chores so imo you'd be better off financially if you left him and took him to court for child support.

24

pepelino1 t1_j2f0rj5 wrote

Please seek a lawyer and ask what are really your choices, child support, alimony etc. He is not a good partner nor a good dad.

19

jkelsey1 t1_j2f3qmt wrote

Honestly sounds borderline financially abusive to me. I would collect as much evidence as you can to prove that you have been providing most of the income for your child, and then start talking to some good lawyers. At the very least you'll get split custody and you'll have more time on your hands to focus on work while kiddo is with dad.. better case scenario he'll have to pay you child support which is better off than your current scenario.

19

SherrKhan32 t1_j2f7imv wrote

Take your son and gtfo of this relationshit.

8

Background-Cow8401 t1_j2flwgl wrote

Cut your losses and get a lawyer, you have clung on to a man who doesn't love you. He has blatantly told you he will never marry you and has shown by his actions that he doesn't even care for you.

13

wachenikusemapoa t1_j2fo6f7 wrote

>He is a great partner and good father...

OP, I know you are only saying this because you feel trapped and like you have no choice but to make yourself content with the situation you are in.

Someone else said to gather evidence of all the expenses you have been paying for. Please do so and then talk to a lawyer. Don't just assume you have no case and your little one will be taken from you. Also, it doesn't sound like this man wants the responsibility, considering how he has been preparing for an easy separation. I think he is taking advantage of you while he can but if you leave he may very well wash his hands of both you and your baby.

It sounds like you are also grieving some of your hopes and dreams, marriage and a loving little family.

I highly recommend the book Should I Stay Or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing If Your Relationship Can--And Should--be Saved by JAC Patrissi and Lundy Bancroft. Get it today, it will help you find the path forward that you're looking for.

16

Golden_standard t1_j2folz1 wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#1,236,136)

You need to care about alimony and child support. Frankly, that’s part of the reason you’ve allowed this to go on for so long. He clearly cares about his finances, that’s why he’s not contributing fairly. This relationship has bankrupted you, financially, mentally, and emotionally. You’re so deep in the hole you don’t even know you’re in it. One of the reasons he probably doesn’t want to marry you is so he doesn’t have to pay alimony. This is exactly what alimony is for: your devotion to the home and your kid has severely limited your ability to financially take care of yourself, and has increased his financial stability (he’s saved so much money by not contributing to the upkeep of your kid).

Clearly, you’re capable of taking care of yourself and your son. Perhaps he’s beaten you down emotionally for so long you don’t believe it anymore. Keep going to therapy and share ALL of this with your therapist.

You’re asking this man for permissions to make decisions about your own life. You don’t need his permission. Use the credit card and put your son in daycare.

Use that time to rebuild your business. Your boyfriend (he’s not your partner) doesn’t have to like it and he doesn’t have to agree. Take that money and hire a damn lawyer. You need to leave this relationship and he needs to pay child support.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this; this is a very hard lesson to learn…you’ve given up your life to live his and it’s literally hurting you in more ways than one. It’s not worth it sweetheart.

3

Hopeful_Cranberry897 t1_j2frxxv wrote

I would not be so quick to assume you have no case. You have been the primary child care provider and bearing all the costs associated with the child (which is bullshit, by the way). Those facts tend to matter in family court! You should absolutely have a long conversation with a lawyer about this but please don’t assume you’re screwed before you do your research.

A very normal outcome here would be that you’re given full custody and he’s forced to FINALLY take some financial responsibility for your shared child.

7

giraffesonstilts t1_j2ftc2x wrote

I’m not even 1/2 way through reading this and I have no doubt why he’s been married multiple times. Girl I’m not even for divorce in most situations and think people need to work shit out for the kids in most cases, but get TF out. Leave. Do whatever you have to to get out now.

16