[27 F] [26 M] I don't want to hug my new male friend any more

Submitted by ThrowRA_hugmenot t3_1002cuo in relationship_advice

How do you navigate bodily autonomy around situations of polite physical contact? I (27 F) am pretty reserved about my body these days, but there are a few people in my life who I feel safe/ comfortable giving a hug.

I'm a graduate student in the US in a tight-knit program. A fellow male graduate student "Ben," (M 26) whom everyone in my circle likes, has become a closer part of the group recently. I've hung out with but never hugged Ben until he was at a dinner party at my house where I hugged my (frankly only) huggable male friend "Theo" (M 27) as he left. For context, Theo hugs pretty much everyone, and hugged several other men and women on his way out. After seeing this, Ben decided he and were hugging friends now.

The 3-4 times we've hug out as a group since, Ben has imposed his goodbye hug. Theo is usually a part of these hangs, so there is always a "hug" time of night (leaving and/or arriving places). The time Theo wasn't there Ben still came up for a goodbye hug.

Do you have tips on how to shut this down? Weve already hugged these 4-5 times and he's seen me happy to hug others like Theo. I would love to hear your experiences with similar situations.

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borkenschnorke t1_j2f79eh wrote

You can just outright tell him. "Sorry I am not a hugger!" You can offer a fist to bump when he comes for the hug. No idea what else.

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SusanSickles t1_j2f42ka wrote

Yeah this is a hard one. Since he sees you hugging another male friend , and you’ve hugged him a few times, he probably views this as being ok with you. You’re going to have to use your words and have that conversation. Texting, like the other commenter suggested might be the best. Just say something like hey Ben I want to let you know I’m not really comfortable with hugging you. It took me by surprise the first time you went in for the hug, and since then I’ve felt uncomfortable with it. I didn’t know how to address this because I didn’t want to bring drama to our friend circle, but moving forward I’m requesting that you don’t go in for the hug.

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Jayismybro t1_j2f2ucl wrote

You could pull him aside sometime and explain that you don’t feel comfortable being hugged. Or text him. I mean you could try and awkwardly dodge the hug, but talking is better. Make sure to be firm on your boundaries, you deserve to be comfortable around people, even if it makes them sad/upset. A decent adult will respect boundaries.

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k-Unsolicited t1_j2f340d wrote

This is ehbhh because Theo has set a precedent that everyone hugs hello and goodbye... then when Theo wasn't there and he hugged you, you didn't stop it.

Sooo (for future reference, set boundaries early. This convo could have been sooo much easier if you never let him hug you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be hugged)

You'd have to say something along the lines of "This isn't personal but I'd prefer if you didn't hug me. [You can explain why you'd hug Theo and not him if you want]"

I mean it might be kind of weird if he hugs everyone but you or if he sees Theo hug you after your conversation with gun, but I guess that isn't your problem 🤷

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triaxisman t1_j2f4lc0 wrote

When it’s time to say good bye, position yourself away from him, or with someone in between. Then don’t hug anyone, wave good bye and leave. He can’t hug you if he’s not close enough. Do that a few times and he’ll get the picture.

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