[65M] [65F] [40M] Abusive father and mother won't stop reaching out to me. Should I text them back?

Submitted by ThrowRArandomnumberz t3_zz805t in relationship_advice

I'm not sure what to do. I (40M) went no contact with my abusive and narcissistic parents four years ago. It took me a long time to realize that I was abused by them as a child and as an adult. My wife pointed it out to me but it wasn't until we were forced to move in with them because I lost my job that things became clear. The abuse was both emotional (when I was a teen my 300 lb plus father would oink at me every time I got a desert after dinner) and physical (when I was a kid my mom would grab me by the knee and squeeze as hard as possible whenever I was disobedient. She would also slap me, although that only happened a few times). My dad once threw me when I was a kid into a recliner and when I hit the recliner the foot rest popped out. My mom would tell that story and laugh about it because it was apparently funny to see the foot rest pop out. I'll be honest, even as I'm typing this out I have a hard time believing I was abused - it's like I've been conditioned to think that what they did to me really wasn't that bad. Other people had and have it worse than me. My mom only slapped me a few times that I can remember. It wasn't that bad. Abuse really does mess with people.

Anyway, I decided to go no contact with them after we lived with them for a little under a year. That period of time was one of the worst in my life. They would yell at me for all sorts of stuff. My mom would get in my face and just start yelling at me, almost threatening me physically. I literally can't not even remember why I would get yelled at. I was always walking on eggshells. Any little thing could set them off. All I thought was, I'm a grown adult. I'm living with them because I'm in a terrible situation. I got to get out.

So, four years later, they are texting me regularly as if nothing happened. They send me birthday and Christmas cards like nothing happened. Occasionally they'll right something in a card like "We're sorry that things didn't work out with you living with us." No apology for what they did. In fact, when I was living with them, one time I called my mom out on how she physically abused me as a kid and her response was first I didn't abuse you to you deserved whatever punishment I gave you.

My plan is to text them this: "Please stop contacting me until you have both been regularly attending therapy with a licensed counselor who is NOT a Christian therapist or a pastor. Once you have been in counseling for at least 3 months, then we can talk about doing a joint session with your counselor over Zoom. If you continue to contact me without doing this, I will block your numbers."

Do you think this is a good idea? Or am I wasting my time? Should I just keep doing no contact. I want them to leave me alone, but I also would like them to get better so I can have parents that love me. I don't know. Abuse sucks.

TLDR: Abusive parents won't stop texting me. Should I respond with: "Please stop contacting me until you have both been regularly attending therapy with a licensed counselor who is NOT a Christian therapist or a pastor. Once you have been in counseling for at least 3 months, then we can talk about doing a joint session with your counselor over Zoom. If you continue to contact me without doing this, I will block your numbers."?

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ApplesxandxCinnamon t1_j2a8ch5 wrote

Been NC with my parents for 2.5 years.

Blocked them, changed my number, moved on.

One of them emailed me once. I printed out her email and kept it as a reminder of why I'm NC with her. But I never replied. No matter how many times they tried to contact me and what avenues they used, I never replied.

Eventually they stopped altogether.

ANY reply is going to make them continue, bc now they know if they pester you hard enough they'll get a response out of you.

Don't respond.

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ThrowRArandomnumberz OP t1_j2fincn wrote

Thank you for this. I blocked their number today. It's hard because I think deep down inside no matter how old we get, we just want our parents to love us.

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ApplesxandxCinnamon t1_j2fjitc wrote

You're right and it absolutely sucks that they don't. That is a wound I don't think will ever actually heal.

I'm OK with it now. I'm pretty happy. But I'm still going through therapy so sometimes I will uncover traumatic shit they did to me and the wound comes open again. And I'll hate them and cry and be depressed and wonder what I did wrong. Why couldn't they just love me?

The fault isn't with me. It's with them. They're incapable of being anything other than abusive and toxic. I don't need that in my life. No one does.

If we truly want happiness and peace, we can't have people like this in our lives. Even if they're our parents.

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LeilaDFW t1_j2a1wtu wrote

Just block them, change your number if you must, send unopened mail back via “return to sender”. If you must send a last written request, get your attorney to. Don’t try handling this relationally. Consider it a legal issue. They aren’t going to change. Now, just so you know, 2 of my adult children went no contact with me strangely both are close to your age. I respect their decision but most won’t. I don’t agree I was abusive but I don’t question the validity of their perspective. I love my children and know I am me and they decided I was bad for them. Better just do what is best for you and don’t expect them to understand.

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grissy t1_j2ace1l wrote

>My plan is to text them this: "Please stop contacting me until you have both been regularly attending therapy with a licensed counselor who is NOT a Christian therapist or a pastor. Once you have been in counseling for at least 3 months, then we can talk about doing a joint session with your counselor over Zoom. If you continue to contact me without doing this, I will block your numbers."

>Do you think this is a good idea?

No.

>Or am I wasting my time?

You're doing worse than wasting your time, you're inviting them in to hurt you again. They want the interaction. They want you to text them so they can gaslight you about your childhood some more and abuse you further in the process. They will never go to therapy, and even if by some miracle they did they would learn nothing aside from a better vocabulary to use to pick at you.

It's time to pull this bandaid off: you will never have a healthy relationship with your parents, because they are bad people. You got saddled with a couple of duds. It's terrible and it happens a lot and there's only one fix for it, and that fix is going completely no contact. I understand the intent of your proposed message, but it won't accomplish anything you want and just invite more harassment.

You end this by blocking them on everything and moving on with your life. There is no magical combination of words that you or anyone else can say to them that will get them to recognize what they did to you was wrong and become better people.

>Should I just keep doing no contact. I want them to leave me alone, but I also would like them to get better so I can have parents that love me. I don't know. Abuse sucks.

I'm sorry man, but they are not going to get better and if you want a family that loves you you're going to need to build it yourself. These two will never treat you right or acknowledge their failings. No contact is the healthiest thing for you, stay strong.

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alien_crystal t1_j2a84vh wrote

I'm so sorry. I'm also NC with my "father". He is my biological sperm donor and he is still, to this day, married to my mom, but I can't say father to a man that only abused me, left me to starve if my mom wasn't around to give me food, never once in his life cared for me, and when I said to him "I love you" he would reply listing all the reason why he did not love me and why it was impossible for a singular person on Earth to ever love me, mind you, I stopped saying that to him when I was 6 years old.

As an adult, I tried, and tried, and tried to make him understand that everything he did was not fine, and he would blame me or cry as if he was the victim. So I went NC 7 years ago but I'm 47 years old, I was 40 when I finally decided to go from LC to NC. And my therapist put it clearly, she told me "we do not have the parents we wish to have had, we have the parents we had". My "father" never loved me. I can't make him love me.

I don't know if your parents love you, but if they do, they don't know what love is or how to express it, and therapy won't solve it for them because it's not a magical cure. People get better in therapy because they start therapy because they want to, and they want to work on themselves. Usually it doesn't work when other people send people to therapy, unless they are first able to see that something is wrong and they want to make a genuine attempt at self reflection. If someone goes to therapy against their will, they will lie to the therapist or in general don't pay attention to whatever the therapist says. It's a waste of time to send them to therapy. If you're not in therapy yourself, you should try it, it will help you find methods for YOU to cope with the fact that you didn't have the loving parents you wanted to have, you have the human, flawed parents who abused you, that you happen to have. I send you a big hug.

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Johnnywalgger t1_j2audzu wrote

No, don’t text back. Go NC. You’re done with them

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Realistic-Airport775 t1_j2b611d wrote

You are opening a door that needs to stay shut for your own mental health.

You cannot persuade or negotiate with people who do not acknowledge that they did anything wrong.

What you can do is protect yourself, do not open the cards, throw them away or get someone to do it for you.

I feel that you are still somewhat in denial about how you have been effected by their behaviour, you can see it wasn't right and that adults screaming in your face is wrong, but on one level you are normalising or somewhat downplaying because you survived it.

There is no one judging how bad or what level of abuse you received and how you should react or have been effected by it. Everyones experience of growing up is different and how you survive and continue to live through it is your own journey.

You want parents that love you, but sadly we don't get to choose the parents we are given and some people are not capable of being the parents we would like. They are also people who do not accept that they did anything wrong and therapy will help you accept that you have no power to change anything they do or say. Your request won't change anything, it will only bring you more pain.

One day you will have more control, your blocking them competely will show that you are serious. If eventually they accept that the relationship is only on your terms then maybe their is a chance they will listen to you, but I would expect that to happen any time soon.

In the meantime work on your boundaries is useful boundaries and good practice for everything in life. Often abused people don't have good boundaries as they were never taught that they could have them.

I have experience emotional neglect and wished to have parents that showed love, but sadly what I wanted and what they were capable of just wasn't possible. Therapy over several years helped a lot for me to move on from anger, denial and grief over what might have been. They continued to behave the same way in respect of grandchildren and that was the catalyst for therapy. I set my own boundaries and maintained the relationship I could handle not the other way round.

Whatever you decide please take care of yourself.

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ThrowRArandomnumberz OP t1_j2fifa8 wrote

>There is no one judging how bad or what level of abuse you received and how you should react or have been effected by it. Everyones experience of growing up is different and how you survive and continue to live through it is your own journey.

I really needed to hear this. I always dismiss what they did to me when I compare it to what I see or hear of others having gone through. And what you said about how your parents treated your grandchildren is true for me too. They never ask to see my son. They don't call to talk with him. They don't ever do Zoom. They live an hour away but basically ignore him. They didn't get him birthday or Christmas presents last year. Abuse sucks.

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ontheotherside_throw t1_j2bjhai wrote

You know that saying "don't negotiate with terrorists?"

Your parents are emotional (and sometimes physically) terrorists. Don't negotiate with them. You aren't going to see the change in them you want. They will never be the people you wish they would. You deserve better, but they aren't going to ever be the parents you deserve.

Block them. Stop letting them into your headspace. If they make a real change in their lives, don't worry, you'll find out one way or another.

And if you don't have a therapist, get one ASAP. You still have a lot of healing to do. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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ThrowRArandomnumberz OP t1_j2fhwqr wrote

I appreciate this. I was going to therapy for this and then life got busy. I should probably go back. Thanks for your sympathy. It means a lot.

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ConvivialKat t1_j2bx4w9 wrote

ANY contact with them will be viewed by them as an open door for "normal" relations again. They will totally ignore your boundaries or requirements. In your shoes, I would not respond and block any further attempts at contact.

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