[22M] [21F] My girlfriend cheated on me with a coworker, it’s a little messy.

Submitted by throwRA196429 t3_zzjbdb in relationship_advice

first Reddit post so I tried to format proper

I could make a few posts about myself right now but the most pressing one is this.

My GF recently cheated on me with a coworker let’s call them Jake, I’ve been putting all of my effort in to trying to save what’s left but it’s gotten past anything I ever imagined I just want this to go away some how with or without her.

I find it very hard to wrap my head around leaving now because after a month since it happened she finally explained why she has continued contact over the phone and in person with Jake. I don’t know whether I should stay and help or if I’m being taken for a ride again because I find it extremely difficult to believe anything she says now without proof.

She claims that since having the first night together Jake has been holding her job above her head and she faces getting fired from her job if she doesn’t do everything they tell her to do. (At this point it sounds like just knowing where my Gf is or if he can just look at her he’s happy) She says that this person is an extreme narcissist and on three separate occasions before this, three other women lost their jobs because they didn’t listen or do everything. Naturally I’m worried about the whole situation because it’s getting worse and worse because this person set out just to destroy my relationship so me still being around apparently is causing it to keep going. She says it’ll go away if this person thinks we’re broken up for good. My girlfriend refuses to take legal action sadly out of fear for her job. I want to do more because it’s obviously not good or safe for her atm but she says I can’t do anything direct or she’ll be fired.

It could be dumb for believing that story and she may just want me to stay around for financial reasons and get to mess around on the side I don’t know but personally I’m too nice to not believe such a bad situation. She tells me she wants to make it work for the long term with us but what do I even do? It’s taking a serious toll on me considering I’m the only one who brings up the topic to work on things. I barely knew what to type because the last month has been the most confusing time of my life so I can answer any points I may have missed due to being indirect.

TL:DR My girlfriend cheated on me with a narcissist, they are in return now forcing her to do anything in return of keeping her job. She can’t do anything neither can I until she’s discarded by them. She wants to fix things with me apparently but it’s quite the mess.

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IllVast4743 t1_j2c2zrz wrote

Wow you can’t be this pathetic. Dude grow a backbone, your girl is actively cheating on you. You are being the perfect little weak beta and making justifications for her betraying you. Find your spine already, she is trash. Move on and ghost her. Get some self esteem already.

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throwRA196429 OP t1_j2ckdmd wrote

Currently trying to find my spine to put myself out of this situation yessir. I’ve done it smoothly in the past, don’t know what’s happened to me on this one. I need motivation. Fuck I’m definitely a catch and I do deserve the opposite of this. Most of this isn’t really my problem to deal with.

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CrazyCatLadyForEva t1_j2ct5v9 wrote

This has nothing to do with all this beta or alpha bull crap, but it does have to do with you being so in love that you’re being purposefully blind and making excuses.

There’s always HR, there’s leaving the job (even if it requires moving away. If the situation is as bad as she says, she’d most likely do it) there’s properly ending the relationship with you. Usually I’m inclined to believe women when it comes to things like these, but her story sounds kinda sketchy to me. Regardless, at least the first time was just old fashioned cheating. Is he her boss or “just” a coworker? There’s ways for her to collect proof of what he’s allegedly doing, but she’s not doing that either. Things like recording conversations or getting him to put anything in writing via text. Having someone “accidentally” overhear a conversation where she expresses her concerns to him about the situation again.

Do you think she is in physical danger? If yes, then it’s time to convince her to become more proactive and put a stop to this.

If she is telling the truth, then she’s still choosing to stay in the situation and not change anything. That means there’s nothing you can do but look out for yourself now. It’s not fair of her to expect you to endure the constant betrayal and hurt. End it asap. Remove yourself from this dumpster fire. I’m almost sure you’ll see her announce a relationship with him soon enough. But I’m kinda jaded Ig.

You deserve better. Be strong and think of yourself in this first. You’ve got this! If she reaches out for help in a platonic capacity later on, you can re-evaluate if you want to help her in any way that doesn’t cross your boundaries. But NC or very low LC might be best for now, if you decide to leave.

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Far_Pineapple2653 t1_j2cvygz wrote

Yea not even going to read past “ he holding her job over her head” lol man you are a cheater gold mine with how naive you are. Leave

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LadyBLoodless t1_j2bzuod wrote

First things first, your GF did you wrong, she betrayed you on every level a human being can betray a person and SHE needs to make this right.

The first thing she can do to make it right is to take herself out of the situation she is in. What is to stop Jake from telling her to bend over his desk "or else" pick up that pen "or else" meet me at X place "or else" she has a sword at her neck and she isn't doing anything to remove it. She needs to quit her job and find something else that takes her away from his control. The other thing she needs to do is compile a file of everything that has happened as a safety net against jake in case he tries something dirty. "if you don't leave me alone then your wife gets it all and so does HR!"

Then after that, both of you need to get yourselves into therapy, individual and couples if you want any hope of getting past this. it will take time, it will take consistent behaviour on her part and what ever you need from her, unlimited access to her phone and social media, a tracker app on her phone and a gps in her car (she must not know or she could take evasive actions) continued therapy for both of you, etc.

Maybe after that you will decide you can't do it, you tried and you just can't, maybe you will see that slowly you can get back to what you where before. who knows. but you can't get anywhere if she is still working with the guy she cheated on you with, especially if said guy has power over her and can get her to sleep with him again if he threatens her job safety or a promotion.

Good luck op, I don't envy you. Maybe spend a few nights at a hotel to clear your head and take the time you need to think, just don't drink yourself stupid, you can't think if you get drunk.

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throwRA196429 OP t1_j2cj4dk wrote

At first I chose not to see all of the wrong that was served to me, but you are absolutely right that she betrayed the core value of a relationship that I desire, she knew all of my boundaries and where I cross the line and they were all crossed.

Im not confident that if ever those boundaries will be respected if I stay, her issues at work are priority and my issues are an inconvenience that always turn into an argument against me.

While the easiest thing to do would be to leave the job sadly even I agree this isn’t something that can be left easily. She just completed a bunch of college strictly for this profession and got a job that isn’t replaceable where we live so it’s the only option if she’s going to stay where family is or move far away to another location. So looks like that’s a part that will remain and that’s been the biggest downfall of working on anything ever in the future.

I realize all of this points downward really none of this looks good and really there aren’t any things that are good about this. We have no real commitments like a house or kids so I can call it quits any day without any strings attached which is great. I don’t want to waste my valuable time because I have a lot to be happy about but for some reason I stick around thinking there’s something better coming when all things tell me I’m not being valued how I want.

I appreciate the outlook on how it needs to be fixed and giving me a baseline of what I need to expect if I’m going to stick around for another day of this mess

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Neochronic87 t1_j2cuqhc wrote

Do you really need people on the internet to tell you this man? There is one of 2 possibilities here... Either she is lying to you and just wants to continue banging him while using you, or she is legit being threatened about it at work. If that's the case I'd find it difficult to even give a shit as she cheated on you in the first place. She made her bed, let her lay in it. She needs to report him and/or find a new job. Either of which is not your problem. You're 22 man.. Youve got plenty of time to find someone actually worth your time and effort. End the relationship and walk away. She chose to cheat. Let her figure out the problem she created herself all by herself. If you stay with this girl even for another day you are a complete fool and whatever she does to destroy you further is on you.

Know your worth man.

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krametthesecond t1_j2dtguw wrote

Grow a pair, pussy. This chick is dead weight.

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throwRA196429 OP t1_j2cclfy wrote

Having trouble viewing comments, popping up as notifications but not seeing them. Working on it so I can reply.

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