[60F][67M][35F][28M] My mom is repeatedly threatening to kill herself.

Submitted by essosinhabitant t3_1006epn in relationship_advice

My mom [60F] asked my dad [67M] to commit suicide together. She regularly threatens to commit suicide whenever she finds my father interacting with his side of the family or socializing with his colleagues. My father always asks my mother to go with him but she always refuses. My mother also used to tell me [28M] and my sister [35F] that we along with our father have ruined her life. I know my father. He is a great dad and a very serene guy. I have never seen him abuse my mother. Of course, there have been fights, but only when my mother with her acid tongue pushed him over the edge. As far as my sister and I are concerned, she never provided us with love and warmth. When my sister was a teenager, she was naturally concerned about her appearance (like all teenagers do). She would dress up, buy new clothes to look pretty and my mother would call her a transvestite. And this is just one of a million other similar instances. Thankfully, because of support from our father, both my sister and I are lawyers and have managed to survive our childhood. My mother also tells everyone that my father doesn't care about her health, even though my father in the last three months has accompanied her to 11 to 12 doctors. My mother never completes the full treatment and jumps to the next doctor, all the while blaming my father for neglecting and disrespecting her. A little bit of history. My mother grew up in a tough household. Her father, who was a cop, was suspended from work because he illegally killed a lot of innocent people in the name of killing dacoits. My mother was very young at that time. Most of the people from her family (she has 6 other siblings) have shown signs of mental illness and lived generally miserable lives (even though all of them have been financially very comfortable). Another important aspect is that my mother is a high functioning individual. Throughout the day, she keeps herself busy. And in front of any guest, she completely changes her personality. She becomes an adorable old grandma. It's a Jekyll and Hyde thing with her. She has had clinical depression and had been on meds for a long time, although now she doesn't see her doctor regularly. I am extremely concerned for her well being. The recent talk of suicide is disturbing me. I don't know how to help her.

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Curious_Cheek9128 t1_j2fuo4f wrote

She's using the threat of suicide as emotional manipulation. Try and feel sorry for her as this is nothing more than a desperate attempt at control when she can't manage her emotions. She is unlikely to ever act on this threat but she definately needs help. This is actually your father's role but he would need to assert himself. In the US, a threat of suicide means an automatic 72 hour hold for a mental health assessment. Not sure about where you are but you might try asking her open ended questions next time she threatens. Suggest that since her threat is so alarming that you need to take her for emergency help and assessment. In other words, call her bluff but in a helpful way. Playing therapist is beyond your pay grade and you cannot help beyond support for seeking treatment for her. Continue to live your life and put strict boundaries on how much you will involve yourself.

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essosinhabitant OP t1_j2fvas2 wrote

I have talked to her for my entire adult life, trying to make her better. I've used every argument from philosophy, popular culture, movies, the Gita. Nothing works on her. I volunteer to take her to a therapist or a doctor and she flat out refuses. Says there is nothing wrong with her. When I ask open ended questions, or try to confront her about her issues, she says that she is getting stressed out and shuts down any conversation.

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