[22F] [22M] My boyfriend is in no rush to get our own place together, but I want to move out and finally be an adult and I’m frustrated.

Submitted by the-friendly-squid t3_1004wse in relationship_advice

We are both 22 and live with our parents. I have a full time job, and he will be starting one later in January. We both want to save up some money before finding a place, but my boyfriend’s mom convinced him that he needs to save up an entire year’s worth of salary before renting. She wants each of us to save 30k before getting a place (i think that’s unrealistic and will take too much time, plus you can save while renting too.) This annoys me because I want to be an adult and be on our own and not have to stay with mommy and daddy. We’ve gone so long in our relationship with only being able to see eachother on weekends due to college schedules and such, and I just want to be able to live with him full time. It’s just another period where it will be the whole weekend thing. I don’t know what to do. I feel like he cares more about money than being able to move past the stupid childish “living with parents” stage of our relationship. I want to grow with him and finally start our lives, but it seems he is caring more about money than us. I feel like I need to give an ultimatum but I need advice on what I can say or do. I unfortunately don’t make enough to be able to afford a decent place on my own.

0

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

curly_lox t1_j2fpjwa wrote

I think that no romantic partners should live together until they have lived on their own (including with roommates) for at least a year.

7

the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fpqas wrote

I didn’t clearly specify but I currently have been staying with my brother for over a year, but I still kind of classify as it living with parents because it’s still technically family I guess, and my mom visits quite frequently.

1

curly_lox t1_j2fpyn6 wrote

Have you been paying rent and living expenses and do adult routine stuff like your laundry? If so, sounds like a roommate situation.

3

the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fq347 wrote

My brother pays the rent but I do all the upkeeping, such as cleaning, making dinner, laundry, etc. and I pay for my own car and gas and such, so yeah you’re right that seems like a roommate scenario

2

hideme21 t1_j2fnr8a wrote

Hunny. You’re 22. If you can stay home and save. Stay home no save. I think the savings might be high. But one more year at home will be a life changer for your future. Don’t rush to be on your own. You have a lifetime ahead of you.

5

David_Westfield t1_j2fk872 wrote

You kinda just stuck it sounds like. I agree with his parent’s reasoning and obviously your thinking is short sighted BUT at a certain point you value personal space and growth more than saving money.

Their argument makes total sense on paper but living in a van is cheaper than my rent im not going to do that either.

Ultimately its his call obviously and if he doesn’t mind living at home where food and rent are free and life is easy while banking a bunch of money i cant really blame him.

If its a line in the sand then draw it and give an ultimatum but his parents are not going to like you from that point on if you stay together bc its not his choice its yours.

3

the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fkj6o wrote

The thing is that I think it’s perfectly reasonable to save for a good 4-6 months before renting, but for me a year is just too long. I’m sick of the whole only seeing eachother on weekends thing. That’s what highschoolers do. All of our friends are moved out and living on their own and we’re the only ones still with our parents and not living together. It’s sort of embarrassing.

0

David_Westfield t1_j2fl0tp wrote

So just meet in the middle? Maybe thats the right way to frame it. Trust me I totally understand your frustration. You could also just get roommate’s that are friends. Have you had a roommate before?

2

Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fkrll wrote

This might not be the problem you think it is.

It actually might be a lot worse.

Does he defer to her judgment a lot? Does she like you, treat you well, or does she undermine your relationship, even a little bit, or in ways that your bf can’t or refuses to see?

Because I’m order for your relationship to work, and for living together to be a happy venture, you two need to be on the same page. Even if you have different ideas about life in general, your relationship can be complementary and great, but living together requires the same outlook on some things, including independent thinking, money management, and chores.

Has he always intended to save up before moving in with you? If yes, are you the one who is just trying to alter the plan to suit your perspective of how things “should be?”

Because I agree that having 30k saved up from a job he hasn’t even started yet is an overly cautious approach, and it means waiting at least a year. On the other hand though, if you’re not good with money management in the real world, that year might make a difference between starting the rest of your life off really well, and moving back home in 18 months, after breaking up.

Having some savings is the smartest thing to do. Not sure that 30k each is necessary, though.

So the information you’ve given could go either way, honestly.

Either there’s no good reason to wait, meaning his mother is incredibly controlling and he’s ok with it, which does not say anything good about your future (see r/justnomil for stories you might see her in) or…there’s a good reason to wait, and you’re ignoring it.

What’s your reasoning here?

2

the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fl9z4 wrote

I find that he does change his perspective on things based on what his mom tells him. We originally planned on saving for 6 months which I find very reasonable. I’m not an impulsive spender and primarily just pay for my car, food and gas, etc. I’m ready to fly out of the nest but for some reason he isn’t, and I think it’s because his mom gives him outrageous advice on things.

3

Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fn83q wrote

How long have you been together?

If he’s going to always defer to his mother, you’re not going to have the adult relationship you think.

If he’s the type to snap to it and grow up when he chooses, then great. If he’s the guy who’s just learned to let his mother run the show, you could be in for a nightmare. He might just always let her decide for him. He might expect you to make all of those decisions for him. He might expect you to do EVERYthing his mother currently does.

Including cook, clean, manage the household, and live vicariously through your children.

Does this all sound like a situation you want to fly into?

If I were you, I would gladly wait six months and take every day of it to study my bf for the kind of man he intends to be. And I would straight up tell him so. “I’ll wait six months, like we agreed, but after that, I’m moving out. If it’s not with you, it’ll be a roommate. Then for us to live together it’ll be a whole other approach. Maybe I won’t want to move away from my roommate.

But I need for you to step up and show me that I’m waiting for my adult bf. I will not be your surrogate mother, I will not let you move in without paying rent, and if you quit your job right after you move in, with the expectation of living on your savings for a year while I go to work every day, I’ll move out within four months.”

Yes I know it seems dramatic, but you’re setting up an ugly picture with his mother’s influence. These men often wind up incredibly dependent and resentful. Just be careful.

3

the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fnylk wrote

Our 6th year anniversary is tomorrow. We’ve been together since age 16. He is a wonderful man but I feel is still emotionally dependent on what his mother tells him to do. She does seem controlling, but he doesn’t see it, and when I point it out he gets offended.

1

Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fpcs5 wrote

Oh girl.

Throw this one back.

I mean, I guess you have a slim chance. I’m being really serious here. If he’s offended by telling the truth about his mother, it’s not a good sign.

For your own self, if you haven’t already, I’m repeating the advice to read r/justnoMIL.

Read a lot of stories there, sort by best, and read the histories of people with lots of posts.

JustnoMILs are shockingly alike. And their sons have very few variations - there are basically three types: the ones who never bought their moms bs, the ones who bought it until they grew up and realized that mom’s not as right as she thinks, and the biggest group is the ones who never break free of that storyline.

Unfortunately, it seems that if bf doesn’t break free of her web early on, it gets less and less likely to happen with any meaningful changes.

Im really serous that you need to protect yourself from her, and if he won’t do it now, he might never do it. But don’t take my word for it, read justnomil for literally hundreds and hundreds of stories that start out exactly like yours.

Good luck, internet stranger. You have some choices to make, and a lot of hard honesty with yourself coming in. Do not get pregnant with this man unless he likely and vocally sides with you. Do not accept anything less, and do not subject children to the mess she will create with them.

Go. Read. Be careful.

2

the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fpk5e wrote

Thank you so much for the heads up and I will check out that subreddit. Those 3 descriptions sound accurate because his brother is the type that never bought the BS, whereas he is the one that takes it to heart.

2

Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2flta5 wrote

And I’m gonna add that I don’t think that starting out your life and making major decisions should be anything remotely like “well all of my friends do this, so I want to,” or “this is what adults do so I need to do it to be an adult.”

That’s just…not the way life is lived well.

If your relationship is stable, dependable, and predictable, then waiting a year won’t mess it up. Living together doesn’t flip a switch into adulthood, you have to make adult decisions to do that.

1

AutoModerator t1_j2filkx wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1