Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fkrll wrote
This might not be the problem you think it is.
It actually might be a lot worse.
Does he defer to her judgment a lot? Does she like you, treat you well, or does she undermine your relationship, even a little bit, or in ways that your bf can’t or refuses to see?
Because I’m order for your relationship to work, and for living together to be a happy venture, you two need to be on the same page. Even if you have different ideas about life in general, your relationship can be complementary and great, but living together requires the same outlook on some things, including independent thinking, money management, and chores.
Has he always intended to save up before moving in with you? If yes, are you the one who is just trying to alter the plan to suit your perspective of how things “should be?”
Because I agree that having 30k saved up from a job he hasn’t even started yet is an overly cautious approach, and it means waiting at least a year. On the other hand though, if you’re not good with money management in the real world, that year might make a difference between starting the rest of your life off really well, and moving back home in 18 months, after breaking up.
Having some savings is the smartest thing to do. Not sure that 30k each is necessary, though.
So the information you’ve given could go either way, honestly.
Either there’s no good reason to wait, meaning his mother is incredibly controlling and he’s ok with it, which does not say anything good about your future (see r/justnomil for stories you might see her in) or…there’s a good reason to wait, and you’re ignoring it.
What’s your reasoning here?
the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fl9z4 wrote
I find that he does change his perspective on things based on what his mom tells him. We originally planned on saving for 6 months which I find very reasonable. I’m not an impulsive spender and primarily just pay for my car, food and gas, etc. I’m ready to fly out of the nest but for some reason he isn’t, and I think it’s because his mom gives him outrageous advice on things.
Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2flx3p wrote
Ah that, my friend, is a problem.
Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fn83q wrote
How long have you been together?
If he’s going to always defer to his mother, you’re not going to have the adult relationship you think.
If he’s the type to snap to it and grow up when he chooses, then great. If he’s the guy who’s just learned to let his mother run the show, you could be in for a nightmare. He might just always let her decide for him. He might expect you to make all of those decisions for him. He might expect you to do EVERYthing his mother currently does.
Including cook, clean, manage the household, and live vicariously through your children.
Does this all sound like a situation you want to fly into?
If I were you, I would gladly wait six months and take every day of it to study my bf for the kind of man he intends to be. And I would straight up tell him so. “I’ll wait six months, like we agreed, but after that, I’m moving out. If it’s not with you, it’ll be a roommate. Then for us to live together it’ll be a whole other approach. Maybe I won’t want to move away from my roommate.
But I need for you to step up and show me that I’m waiting for my adult bf. I will not be your surrogate mother, I will not let you move in without paying rent, and if you quit your job right after you move in, with the expectation of living on your savings for a year while I go to work every day, I’ll move out within four months.”
Yes I know it seems dramatic, but you’re setting up an ugly picture with his mother’s influence. These men often wind up incredibly dependent and resentful. Just be careful.
the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fnylk wrote
Our 6th year anniversary is tomorrow. We’ve been together since age 16. He is a wonderful man but I feel is still emotionally dependent on what his mother tells him to do. She does seem controlling, but he doesn’t see it, and when I point it out he gets offended.
Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fpcs5 wrote
Oh girl.
Throw this one back.
I mean, I guess you have a slim chance. I’m being really serious here. If he’s offended by telling the truth about his mother, it’s not a good sign.
For your own self, if you haven’t already, I’m repeating the advice to read r/justnoMIL.
Read a lot of stories there, sort by best, and read the histories of people with lots of posts.
JustnoMILs are shockingly alike. And their sons have very few variations - there are basically three types: the ones who never bought their moms bs, the ones who bought it until they grew up and realized that mom’s not as right as she thinks, and the biggest group is the ones who never break free of that storyline.
Unfortunately, it seems that if bf doesn’t break free of her web early on, it gets less and less likely to happen with any meaningful changes.
Im really serous that you need to protect yourself from her, and if he won’t do it now, he might never do it. But don’t take my word for it, read justnomil for literally hundreds and hundreds of stories that start out exactly like yours.
Good luck, internet stranger. You have some choices to make, and a lot of hard honesty with yourself coming in. Do not get pregnant with this man unless he likely and vocally sides with you. Do not accept anything less, and do not subject children to the mess she will create with them.
Go. Read. Be careful.
the-friendly-squid OP t1_j2fpk5e wrote
Thank you so much for the heads up and I will check out that subreddit. Those 3 descriptions sound accurate because his brother is the type that never bought the BS, whereas he is the one that takes it to heart.
Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2fq4k9 wrote
Hugs from a rando little old lady who wants to see you live your best life.
[deleted] t1_j2fmidb wrote
[removed]
Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j2flta5 wrote
And I’m gonna add that I don’t think that starting out your life and making major decisions should be anything remotely like “well all of my friends do this, so I want to,” or “this is what adults do so I need to do it to be an adult.”
That’s just…not the way life is lived well.
If your relationship is stable, dependable, and predictable, then waiting a year won’t mess it up. Living together doesn’t flip a switch into adulthood, you have to make adult decisions to do that.
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