[30f] [31f] [39m] How do I stand by my friend while she’s trying to blow up her life?

Submitted by [deleted] t3_zzw2t1 in relationship_advice

I (30f) and “Maddy” (31f) are co-workers but have also been close friends for over 7 years. She is normally a kind, caring and principled person but currently acting so out of character and also against my principles. She was amazing support when I lost my mum and I want to help her but I don’t know what to do and our relationship is being impacted.

She recently split with her partner after he was cheating on her. She was devastated but had, I thought, come through it. She bought a house and focused on work - actually getting a well deserved promotion. She said she didn’t want another serious relationship for a while.

She’s now having a fling with a married co-worker in the same department as her. I found out because she couldn’t stop talking about him in every context “Ed thinks…”, “Ed did this today…”. I asked her and she admitted it.

Worse, she’s more senior and while not his line manager she is part of the committee that reviews performance ratings and pay rises.

He also has a reputation for having done this before.

When I talk to her, she agrees it’s wrong but is sticking her head in the sand that no one will find out. His wife won’t be hurt because she won’t find out, it won’t cause a problem at work because they won’t find out, she won’t be hurt by gossip because no one will find out. I’ve told her it’s not who she is and she says she doesn’t know who she is.

She thinks they’re being discreet, but I don’t think they are and if I can work it out, others will. I’ve heard slight comments about them but nothing concrete. If I say anything, she works on being more discreet.

It’s like she’s an addict and can see the potential harm but can’t stop herself.

I am so against infidelity but I’m trying to be supportive. I’m now not sure if I can do anything but I want my nice generous lovely friend back and this woman who has taken her place gone.

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[deleted] OP t1_j2dvtkw wrote

[deleted]

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e16c5 wrote

Thanks. I will. I have said this type of thing but I only thought of this as I was typing it out. It’s worth a go.

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crazzymomof5boyzz t1_j2dvwms wrote

She needs therapy asap. She's not okay! She's doing to some poor woman what was done to her. She's gonna get caught, she's gonna get fired, and depending on how small the network is for her profession, she's gonna have a bad rep as a home wrecker, which will make it seriously hard for her to find another job.

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e0uex wrote

I know. I’ve told her all this and she keeps saying they mustn’t get caught. Even if she was an uncaring sociopath, which she’s not, it’s so unlike her to take these massive risks. She’s normally so strategic.

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crazzymomof5boyzz t1_j2e1ylq wrote

Her ex said thought he wouldn't get caught either. Eventually, she's gonna get busted and feel so ashamed of herself. I don't think she's really thinking of how bad this will be for her personally. His wife will probably go scorched earth, and from other similar situations I've seen in the past, will make it her life's mission to destroy your friend. It's one thing when the other woman didn't know he's married. It's a whole other thing when she does. She's risking her career, personal reputation, and very possibly, her families respect for some scandal d*ck. She's clearly lost her mind and needs to get in therapy today!

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e3qes wrote

I can’t disagree with you and all that is why I’m so worried. And I hadn’t said in my post but her parents would be horrified by this. I don’t know about therapy though or how to access it. I don’t think it’s really that common here (UK). I might be wrong and will try and look but I can’t drag her there.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_j2dxbhd wrote

Tell her what you said here. Ultimately, it’s her life and career to blow up and her friendships to lose. But you can certainly tell her how you feel and that if this continues, you’re going to have to reevaluate the relationship. You can also tell her you don’t want to hear about him anymore.

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e11jb wrote

Thanks for answering. I have said it to her. I think I will have to reevaluate soon, I just hope I can get through to her before I do that.

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DogsandCatsWorld1000 t1_j2e321i wrote

> but is sticking her head in the sand that no one will find out.

Try pointing out that the guy who cheated on her also didn't think anyone would find out.

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[deleted] OP t1_j2e42te wrote

She “knows how she caught him, so will not do that!” Really. I think she’s gone insane. It like she’s addicted.

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Web822 t1_j2e41yi wrote

now i have to ask

Are you sure your boyfriend is cheating on her?

this relationship may have been going on for a long time and the promotion you think her deserve in career may be the result of her relationship with your boss.

she is not a nice person and you are supporting cheating by pretending to be a bystander.

please find the evidence, inform hr. Both affect the lives of other people at work, and they may threaten the social lives of other people in the future.

the rest is up to your conscience, you can find excuses and watch silently.

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[deleted] OP t1_j2ee7nd wrote

I’ve known her a long time and I do believe what I said in my post, that she was cheated on, that she earned her promotion on merit and that this current relationship is new. She isn’t like this normally.

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biteme717 t1_j2f5akp wrote

Sge needs therapy and you need to tell his wife. Your friend doesn't give a rats ass about his wife or herself. Tell the wife and wake your friend up!

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