[43 F] [40M] Would you take back someone who cheated?

Submitted by GardenGnome4551232 t3_zzaysy in relationship_advice

We dated for 5 months so really new.

We broke up because he cheated with a friend/coworker of his after a night out bar hopping while I was out of town. We didn’t have any major issues, and were pretty happy together.

He told me the first night I got back. He was really sorry, said it would never happen again, and that it was a bad decision made while drunk. We broke up.

Fast forward 6 months. We’ve spent the last month talking about getting back together and how to rebuild trust that got broken so quickly in a relatively new relationship. He is swearing up and down that he will never do anything like that again, he knows how much he hurt me, and he wants to put in the work to heal and rebuild our relationship. From what I can tell, I don’t think he’s been dishonest about anything he’s said, but how do I really know that?

Prior to him cheating, I saw long-term potential with him. I’ve talked to some friends and my sibling about this - all are saying not to take him back. But I want to. Am I just setting myself up to be hurt again?

Tl,dr: Boyfriend cheated and we broke up. Now he wants another chance. Should I give it to him?

Edit: He is not friends with the coworker anymore. They do see each other at work from time to time, and he said he’s polite but not friendly and doesn’t interact with her unless he needs to.

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pretty_lady11 t1_j2aihpn wrote

You are definitely setting yourself up to be hurt. You are both old enough to know right from wrong and if you can't trust someone, it is very hard to have a truly productive and healthy relationship. Find someone who wouldn't even consider cheating an option let alone do it.

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MossValley t1_j2aijts wrote

Has he ever cheated on anyone else?

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KandyMasta t1_j2akhfa wrote

No, why would you. You now know for certain that he's someone who can cheat. If 5 months into a relationship, what's supposed to be the easiest time as you two learn about eachother and the prospects of building a life together he can't keep it in his pants what makes you think down the road when things actually get difficult he's not going to have another drunken accident.

Also dudes 40 there really is no excuse for this kind of action and I find him claiming it was a mistake is kind of ridiculous. if he didn't want to cheat he wouldn't have

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thebellferrel t1_j2ako9y wrote

No, I could not. I wouldn’t be able to trust them ever again. Cheating is such a huge violation of trust to me and I know that I wouldn’t be able to forgive them. And he did this after only dating for five months?! You are being given a rare gift of finding out who your partner really is early, which usually doesn’t happen.

After I was cheated on, I got into a relationship with someone that is truly the most respectful, amazing, kind person and I would have never met him if I had spent my time trying to make something work with my ex that cheated. This man betrayed you within five months - find someone that actually deserves you.

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Mr_Broda t1_j2aopnp wrote

If you take him back he WILL cheat again and think that he wont be punished then either

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Mountain_Monitor_262 t1_j2apl6k wrote

Why would you want to waste time being a placeholder for someone who will jump at the chance to hook up with another young coworker that shows interest in him. How could you trust that he won’t fuck his female friends when he hangs out with them? He did it while you were out of town. Glad he told you because you would’ve never known. But he still sees and interacts with the girl regardless. All you would be doing is accepting him cheating on you and waiting for the next time that he does it. You could do something else with that time.

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CrazyCatLadyForEva t1_j2at5w3 wrote

Replying to GardenGnome4551232 (#1,197,028)

Hm, I’ve only been disappointed when taking back a cheater. Also, having such a huge issue within the first few months would make me think that it’s not worth my time and effort to invest even more into this. But you are not me and he isn’t the guys I dated.

Maybe have a look at the sub r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. You’ll find lots of resources on what is important for reconciliation there. Plus lots of people who are actively going through the process or have done so in the past/are considering it.

What’s definitely important to know is why he did it in the first place. Without that knowledge, who’s to say it won’t happen again? I’d also request to have an open device policy for both of you. Absolute transparency about who you both are spending time with and so on.. Also very important, if you decide on reconciliation you both need patience, especially him. Building trust back up properly takes a long time, so he needs to be understanding of occasional doubts or insecurities you may have.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

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giag27 t1_j2bqq4r wrote

Been there, done that, never again.

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Ok_Breakfast9531 t1_j2cex6l wrote

  1. He says he will put in the work. What’s he done so far? Read recovery materials? Learned about how to rebuild trust?

  2. Seeing her at work occasionally isn’t enough. He needs to be no contact. Do you feel safe knowing she’s there?

  3. If he’s going to blame alcohol, what’s he doing about that? Only drinking with you present? AA? Something?

His words mean nothing. Watch his actions. His consistent actions over time will help rebuild trust. Nothing else.

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