[21F] [21M] My bf refuses to meet me after I crossed the Atlantic to see him for the first time

Submitted by AdmirableFoxx t3_10013t8 in relationship_advice

I [21F] have been dating this American guy [21M] for over 1.5 years on a LDR and we tried to meet each other a few times, but nothing too concrete. He is in the army and until a while ago, I didn't have a US visa to visit him and he always said he needed special permission from the military to travel abroad.

In September 2022, big changes happened. I acquired a new nationality that allowed me to enter the US more easily and I moved to the Netherlands for college. I traveled to Portugal specifically to get my new passport so I could apply for a US visa, which was easily approved and we both were thrilled.

We started planning our trip and we chose Boston because of the cost and distance for both of us since he lives in Hawaii and I in the Netherlands. Another pro is that I have a friend from high school that lives in Boston, so if anything happened, I would have her support.

The big two reasons for this trip were that I didn't have money to pay for a ticket to Brazil AND that I wanted to meet him. So I paid for my own ticket ($400) and he paid for the Airbnb, rental car, and his tickets (~ $1500). I know he put a lot in but because he has a stable job and got a 10k bonus from the army, while I am just a broke college student (for now!!!) I thought it was fair.

I had agreed I was going to spend 3 days with a friend for Xmas and then he would fly on the 27th Dec. Everything was good until his mother passed away 10 days before our trip. We both were shocked, nobody expected and he flew to Oregon to be with his family. He canceled the trip and got a refund for everything.

I understood he didn't want to travel anymore so I suggested flying to Oregon instead to be there for him, which he refused because he didn't want me to meet the family under these conditions. Understable.

I suggested then flying to Hawaii after he was back in Honolulu (Jan 3rd) with the condition that he would pay for the tickets ( $700), at least one way ($369) and I would pay for the other half. He said he would never let me pay for anything and that he would buy the tickets instead, I just needed to wait.

I kept my hopes up despite knowing he doesn't really keep any of his promises. This is a common thing in our relationship and I can't even count how many promises he had made and couldn't and didn't want to keep. He even lied to me several times.

He said he was having problems making a bank transfer and was going to the bank to fix that. We share our locations and I saw he was at the bank. Then, the location started glitching. Sometimes he was at the bank, sometimes at his mother's house, and then in Colombia (wtf) in a spare of seconds.

I messaged him and started confronting him about that, he totally gaslighted me. Then he told me "I fixed it, the transfer will go through tomorrow". I didn't really believe that, I mean, it's 1.5 years of empty promises. I decided to give a vow of trust and I waited until the next morning.

He ghosted me for most of the day and then suddenly messaged me "Hey baby, I am at the hospital". Of course, I didn't believe it.

So I started confronting him and he blocked me on iMessage. I asked him then on WhatsApp to be upfront and honest with me, 'why didn't you want to see me?'. His response was 'I shut down and you said some pretty hurtful stuff to me, so I don't want to see you'.

Well, the stuff I said to him was while I was at the airport, ready to fly and we were having a discussion about him not wanting to see me AT ALL. I said if he didn't want to see me, I would find another man that would. Well, it was fucked up I know BUT I was so angry.

So yes that's the story. He doesn't reply to any of my messages anymore, I tried talking to his friend and even he couldn't understand why my bf wouldn't want to meet me, especially under these circumstances.

I am here in Boston now until the 9th of January. I have a dear friend of mine that invited me to her house in Chicago for a few days. I am just unsure what to do with my life.

Do I continue this relationship?

Do I wait for him and maybe a meeting will happen after?

Do I buy tickets to Chicago and let this relationship go?

Do I go to Hawaii and try to just show up there?

Any help will be appreciated.

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Mobile_Prune_3207 t1_j2ewdmv wrote

Have you actually spoken over the phone/ Facetimed him?

Do you have any proof that he even bought tickets and the accommodation?

Did you see on his social media that his mom really died?

This could the truth, that his mom died. This has not been a great year and it seems a ton of people are dying this month alone. But at the same time, this all seems very cat-fishy.

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AdmirableFoxx OP t1_j2ey3at wrote

He used to speak over FT every day. He booked the accommodation on my Airbnb account and yes, I saw the social media, his mother really died. I don't think I was being catfished, he is a real person, really works in the Army, I've spoken with his friends over FT before and when his mother died, me and one of his closest friends called me and we've spoken for over an hour.

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Mobile_Prune_3207 t1_j2fef8r wrote

OK then I think that seeing that everything is legit, you need to cut him some slack. It's not a random aunt that died, it's his mom. And around the holiday period too. His whole life has been turned upside down, he's grieving, he's vulnerable.

Go see your buddy and then see if he reaches out. Maybe just shoot him a message to say you're sorry and that you're still around for him and leave it at that.

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giag27 t1_j2f6wr7 wrote

Girl. Why are you chasing a man who clearly doesn’t want you. You’re in the US and he’s not wanting to see you. Enjoy your time with your friend, go back home, block delete and move on. This is a huge no no. Red flag 🚩, many 🚩🚩🚩. Stop collecting them.

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Correct-Sprinkles-21 t1_j2fml1w wrote

Go with your friend.

I'm sorry to say, I think you likely have been catfished. Either that or he's got cold feet, possibly because he isn't exactly who he's made himself out to be. Even facetime and seeing his social media isn't adequate to fully know a person.

Forget this dude. If he wanted to, he would.

Give yourself a fantastic vacation. Have fun with your friend. Pack in a bunch of awesome activities and make sure you go home with good memories.

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AngryTudor1 t1_j2ev0tm wrote

No, you don't continue the relationship because you have no relationship to continue.

First of all, do not blame yourself for what you said in the airport. You said nothing wrong, nothing that was unreasonable and he is totally gaslighting you on that.

Everything he has said to you has been a lie. Do you actually know, as a proven fact, that his mother died? Are you sure?

Do you know 100% he is who he claims to be and hasn't catfished you?

Either way, it's time to cut your losses. There is nothing wrong with meeting and starting as a LDR but you need to meet. 18 months down the line he has done everything he can to avoid doing that, he has gaslit you, demonstrably lied to you if you ever tried to meet him again, you already know it would be exactly the same.

The fact that he blocked you, his girlfriend, on ANY messaging platform is, IMO, unforgivable and an automatic breakup.

No, you don't show up in Hawaii. He won't be there. Go to Chicago, enjoy your holiday, go home a single woman and move on to dating real people

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PotatoBubby t1_j2eu1q4 wrote

I get feeling insecure and wanting to know what to do next but the title of this post is misleading. His mom just died. His life is forever changed. And you’re still focusing on when you two can make a meet happen— and also saying you’ll find someone else— while all of this is happening? Maybe there’s some shady shit going on but you should have been direct. Tell him you’ll be here for him if and when he’s ready. That you’re sorry for what you said. That you’d love to continue to be with him, no decisions have to be made right now. No buts. No excuses. No more focusing on you for now. And then enjoy your life until he is ready to circle back. The world isn’t on fire. You don’t have to make a decision right now.

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McSuzy t1_j2evc2g wrote

You need to talk through all of this with a trusted friend.

His mother did not die and he never had any intention of going to Boston. He is a liar, he probably isn't in the military, and he may not even be a man. You need to stop.

I think the most sensible thing for you to do would be to return to the Netherlands.

Find someone to date that you know in person.

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Ihaveacompass t1_j2ev4fr wrote

His mother just died and his brain and emotions will be all over the place. You are a pretty crappy girlfriend because you should be supporting him during this difficult time but you're making this all about you and money. Stop being confrontational and start being more supportive.

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