[33M][34F] How do I tell my gf that I am unhappy with our sex life?

Submitted by ThrowRASexTalk_ t3_1000ibw in relationship_advice

My gf and I have a great relationship, but I feel like our sex life is very one-sided. I do all the things she wants but she doesn't prioritise what I want.

About 3 years ago when we first started going out, she told me she had tried PIV sex in the past but couldn't go through with it because it was too painful. She said she really wants to do it however.

I was relieved because PIV sex is important to me and I told her that. She said it'll take time for her to get over it and to please be patient because the pain is stress-inducing. I was completely on board. I suggested we'll take it slow when she's ready and go to a gynaecologist if we need to.

A year and half later we try sex for the first time. I go about an inch in and it hurt for her. So we stopped. We tried a couple more times with the same result.

About six months after this, I suggest a gynaecologist visit to rule out vaginismus or any physical issue. The gynaecologist examined her and said her stress is causing her to tighten up her vaginal walls and recommended dilators. She didn't buy them. She said we can try PIV now that there's nothing physically wrong with her.

I sometimes suggest PIV during foreplay but she tenses up when I suggest it. It makes me feel like shit and kills the mood. I don't want to pressure or coerce her. The few times we try it, it hurts her and we stop.I have checked with her multiple times if she really wants PIV and she says "Yes, it's just a mental block". I've told her I'd like her to bring it up in bed but she doesn't.

So our sex life is pretty much mostly foreplay and oral. She's satisfied with the oral but I'm not. I lose my boner with her blowjobs and have never come. I have tried telling her what I want in a blow job but she gets tired quickly and looks disappointed that I'm not getting off on it. I feel pressured to enjoy blow jobs.

I also have a much higher sex drive than her. So I get told no 80% of the time I initiate. It's disappointing. I talked to her about initiating more and to her credit she does that in the beginning of her visit (we're in a long distance relationship).

However, sometimes I'm focused on work (I wfh) and tell her "how about after some time". She waits a couple of minutes and initiates again saying "she's trying to distract me". I oblige because I don't want to kill the mood the few times we get to do it. But I feel like my "no" is not respected.

TL;DR:

  1. How do I talk about wanting PIV with my gf without adding to her stress? I don't want her to feel pressured into PIV to save our relationship.

  2. How do I tell her I want my "no" to be respected but not kill her desire to initiate?

  3. How do I say "I want our foreplay to be more two-sided and less of a performance for me" without hurting her feelings and ruining it for good?

0

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

dwells2301 t1_j2eppi9 wrote

Dating is a time to decide if you are compatible. This doesn't sound like you are.

7

ThrowRASexTalk_ OP t1_j2eqygx wrote

We are compatible in almost every other way. It's this place where we're just stuck.

I am hoping we'll make a breakthrough here.

−1

dwells2301 t1_j2erprp wrote

Well the doctor gave her a possible solution and it appears she had no interest in trying. If she doesn't want to take the steps to correct the problem, can you live with bad sex the rest of your life?

2

quickcalamity t1_j2eqh3k wrote

I mean this doesn’t sound like you’re compatible at all and she does not sound very generous even in the blowjob department. Her inability and utter avoidance of sex could be due to trauma or childhood abuse of some kind? You can have the conversation but it’s not going to change anything. Unless you’re looking to marrying your own right hand (or left hand?), then it looks like you need to reassess.

2

ThrowRASexTalk_ OP t1_j2er5in wrote

I want to talk to her first. I just need to know the right approach for it.

I'm sure there's no abuse or trauma.

1

quickcalamity t1_j2esnbh wrote

People on this sub always ask, “how do I tell them?” “How do I say…?” These sorts of conversations are never easy, but you have to say the words. “Hey, we’ve been together X amount of years. I love you and desire you but I’m not feeling that in return. If things don’t change, I’ll have to rethink the relationship.” There might be a guy out there for her , but you’re not him.

1

ThrowRASexTalk_ OP t1_j2euad3 wrote

Thanks for the template. I think I can word it around that.

> There might be a guy out there for her , but you’re not him.

If it feels like we can't move past this, so be it. But I want to try all options first. I'm very invested in her and she feels the same way.

1

AutoModerator t1_j2eou0c wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1