Submitted by ThrowRASexTalk_ t3_1000ibw in relationship_advice
My gf and I have a great relationship, but I feel like our sex life is very one-sided. I do all the things she wants but she doesn't prioritise what I want.
About 3 years ago when we first started going out, she told me she had tried PIV sex in the past but couldn't go through with it because it was too painful. She said she really wants to do it however.
I was relieved because PIV sex is important to me and I told her that. She said it'll take time for her to get over it and to please be patient because the pain is stress-inducing. I was completely on board. I suggested we'll take it slow when she's ready and go to a gynaecologist if we need to.
A year and half later we try sex for the first time. I go about an inch in and it hurt for her. So we stopped. We tried a couple more times with the same result.
About six months after this, I suggest a gynaecologist visit to rule out vaginismus or any physical issue. The gynaecologist examined her and said her stress is causing her to tighten up her vaginal walls and recommended dilators. She didn't buy them. She said we can try PIV now that there's nothing physically wrong with her.
I sometimes suggest PIV during foreplay but she tenses up when I suggest it. It makes me feel like shit and kills the mood. I don't want to pressure or coerce her. The few times we try it, it hurts her and we stop.I have checked with her multiple times if she really wants PIV and she says "Yes, it's just a mental block". I've told her I'd like her to bring it up in bed but she doesn't.
So our sex life is pretty much mostly foreplay and oral. She's satisfied with the oral but I'm not. I lose my boner with her blowjobs and have never come. I have tried telling her what I want in a blow job but she gets tired quickly and looks disappointed that I'm not getting off on it. I feel pressured to enjoy blow jobs.
I also have a much higher sex drive than her. So I get told no 80% of the time I initiate. It's disappointing. I talked to her about initiating more and to her credit she does that in the beginning of her visit (we're in a long distance relationship).
However, sometimes I'm focused on work (I wfh) and tell her "how about after some time". She waits a couple of minutes and initiates again saying "she's trying to distract me". I oblige because I don't want to kill the mood the few times we get to do it. But I feel like my "no" is not respected.
TL;DR:
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How do I talk about wanting PIV with my gf without adding to her stress? I don't want her to feel pressured into PIV to save our relationship.
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How do I tell her I want my "no" to be respected but not kill her desire to initiate?
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How do I say "I want our foreplay to be more two-sided and less of a performance for me" without hurting her feelings and ruining it for good?
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