[25M] [25F] Wife wants me to be intimate with other women

Submitted by SatoriSeven t3_1000m2z in relationship_advice

At first, I was skeptical. Then we both dove deeper into why she would want this and she put an end to my skepticism. To summarize, she believes that no matter how commuted I am to her, as a guy it’s in my nature to want to have intimate time with other women.

To give a little more context on our relationship and intimacy, I am a very high drive and intimate person. If it were up to me we would make love multiple times every day( realistically 5/7 days in a week). I’m also very free minded and for lack of a better word kinky. My wife on the other hand is more conservative and most of the time not in the mood. This isn’t because of anything I’m doing or not doing but rather because of sexual trauma and her personality.

I adore my wife and honestly never thought about sleeping outside of our marriage until she brought it up as an option. She isn’t the jealous type, she completely trusts me, and our relationship is great tbh according to both our standards.

I’m looking for advice on navigating this situation. Are there any red flags that I’m unaware of in proceeding on this path? Also, how does a married man even find partners who would be okay with this dynamic?

I’ve been out of the “game” for almost 10 years and even when I was single women came far and few so I’m not a playboy. I’m not bad looking but I’m not gorgeous. I’m fairly wealthy but I don’t want to be put in a situation where I’m being used for my resources.

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PixieOnAcid t1_j2eq827 wrote

I truly think before you even try to do this, go to counseling with your wife. Make sure this is something she really wants you to do and not just something she wants you to do because she feels inadequate. Encourage her to be completely honest.

And then use those counseling sessions to discuss rules, if it does turn out that she is okay with you doing this. What are the rules for intimacy? Can you develop feelings for another person? What about protection? Are you going to require your partner to have a clean STD test before you get intimate? Where are these moments going to take place? Does your wife want to know when it happens or does she want to remain blissfully unaware? Does she want to know what they look like or what their name is?

What are her stipulations for still keeping your marriage alive? More date nights? Scheduled intimacy with her? What happens if she suddenly grows uncomfortable with this, are you willing to quit immediately? What happens if she decides eventually she wants to see other people too? Are you okay with that?

There's a lot of stuff to discuss that could be much easier to talk about in a safe space like with a therapist who can help you see stuff you might not otherwise due to your relationship.

As for where to find people, you could always use a dating app.

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Lichenbruten t1_j2eqzr6 wrote

I like this strategy a lot. I don't know that I could/would follow through on something like this, but at least everything is discussed beforehand in detail regardless of if you do it or not.

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Violated_Norm t1_j2evr86 wrote

Not all therapists understand nonmonogamy, if op costs to do this route they should look for a therapist with experience with nonmonogamous couples. I've had an open marriage for a long time.

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Now_Villager t1_j2eqs5n wrote

Well, you sound like you've made up your mind to do it, so not sure if you're open to other views, but I think you should be very cautious as this seems likely to make your wife's trauma worse. Even with her permission (which maybe she feels she has to give to keep you happy) it's still a betrayal of your marriage vows.

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SatoriSeven OP t1_j2erzdl wrote

I appreciate you’re honesty. I am not fully one way or another yet. It’s more coming from a place where multiple people have told me it’s a no brainer(mainly guys) but my main goal here is to have a prosperous family. If doing this doesn’t lead me there then it’s a no. My vows are also another important thing that I’ve considered but as for her doing this from a place of insecurity, I don’t think so because her personality type which is usually well thought out and free minded in many ways.

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Violated_Norm t1_j2evh5o wrote

Married 20+, open about a decade

Sexual incompatibly is one of the most generous reasons a spouse can offer to open a marriage. She loves you enough to want you to have hot she doesn't give you. Understand how selfless that is of her. My advice is to take it slow, give your wife time to make sure she's ok with this. Talk to each other about it as much as possible and before you progress to me levels.

>how does a married man even find partners who would be okay with this dynamic?

You make a profile on OkCupid, it allows you to state you are married and nonmonogamous. If you don't know how to make a dating profile read up on it, there are a few subs here that will give feedback on your profile. Be prepared to take some time to find someone. My gf has success on FB dating as does her husband but I've never used it so I can't tell you firsthand.

No one person can fulfill all of someone else's needs, let alone wants, and think how much pressure that is to put on a person. Ethical nonmonogamy fixes that. Here's a non sexual example. My gf's husband is getting them dance lessons for her birthday. I was happy because I hate to dance.

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