[32M][32F] Is my wife a manipulator?

Submitted by throwRAhazza590 t3_zzv10j in relationship_advice

I don't know what it is, but my wife seems to always need to do/feel the opposite of what I am doing/feeling. If I make the bed a certain way, she has to make it a different way, then when I make it her way, she will switch to my old way. When I am feeling happy and cheerful, she has to feel sad and miserable, then when she has brought me down to her level and I am miserable, suddenly she cheers up, singing around the house and being nicer to the children. This is not a coincidence because it happens the same way every time. It drives me absolutely nuts and I think she knows it. I am starting to think that she is a manipulator, as she has told me her mother was.

Also, when I am happy, she doesn't take care of herself. She doesn't shower, she doesn't get out of her pajamas all day, then when she has succeeded at bringing my mood down, suddenly she starts to take care of herself again. Rinse and repeat. What's worse is that she always acts so miserable (she makes sure everyone knows how miserable she is) but if she isn't taking care of herself, who could be surprised? It's like self-inflicted misery to get sympathy.

Does anyone know what this is? Is this some kind of manipulation tactic?

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Transmutagen t1_j2dtruf wrote

Yes. Whether she’s doing it deliberately or whether it’s some subconscious mechanism - it is manipulative. Another word I would use here is “abusive”.

You need to have a frank discussion with her about this behavior. It is clearly not healthy for you. If you can’t resolve this issue between the two of you in a manner that leads to her not abusing you it would be a good idea to seek professional assistance with a therapist - jointly and individually.

You deserve better.

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throwRAhazza590 OP t1_j2exr65 wrote

She won't hear discussion. She will deny and get hostile, as is tradition.

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Transmutagen t1_j2f7ljo wrote

Oof. That right there is a big red flag. I stand by my previous statement - you deserve better.

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pbblankgirl t1_j2eni15 wrote

>Does anyone know what this is?

I think the term is 'contrarian'

>Is this some kind of manipulation tactic?

Yes. Looks like your wife learned from the best.

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throwRAhazza590 OP t1_j2ep9xn wrote

The "best" in this case being her sociopathic mother, whom my wife despises, but still shares many behavioural traits with.

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Noetherville t1_j2e18am wrote

If you are completely unresponsive to her tactics, as in grey rocking. Will she up the ante? Will she continue and intensify her manipulation until she gets a response from you?

It does sounds like some type of attention seeking behaviour, or histrionic type personality.

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