[50F][27F] I’m (50F) half Chinese and my niece (27F) is white. She made a racist Asian comment on a professional phone call right in front of me and hasn’t properly apologized or contacted me (very unusual) How do I talk to her about this in a constructive way?

Submitted by Complete-Lettuce-941 t3_1002zr6 in relationship_advice

I’m not a/the parent but the cool aunt (50F, half Chinese). My niece (27F Caucasian) made a racist and sexist joke on a professional work call in front of me. She hasn’t (truly) apologized and has not contacted me since, which is unusual. I’m pissed and heartbroken and don’t know how to proceed…

For the holidays this year I flew my niece across country and drove over 2500 miles round trip in 5 days to surprise family. It took a lot of coordination (plus money) and keeping the secret was really really tough. I was so damn happy that I pulled it off, with the help of a lot of people.

On one leg of the drive my niece needed to take some work calls, so we (there was other family in the car with us) were privy to her side of the conversation. Overall I wasn’t impressed with her casual tone but it’s not my workplace or my work so I wasn’t going to say anything until she said good-bye and thanks to her co-worker with “Me love you long time.” -if you’ve ever had the urge to slam the brakes on your car because someone said something really stupid then you know what my body and mind were going through. 75-ish on the highway didn’t seem like the right time but it was really f-ing tempting.

With every ounce of strength I had I slowly turned to her and said, “Not only was that wildly inappropriate for work but it was ridiculously racist.” Before I could get to “we will talk about this at a better time” she got defensive and blurted out in a whiny little girl voice with that damned vocal fry at the end “I’m sorry! I didn’t know!” (Not unexpected, but that was it. Not a peep since then)

Our next stop was family; I left just 36 hours later, and never had alone time with her.

Let’s be clear: She is an adult; She has multiple degrees; She works in healthcare with underserved populations; She used a shitty Asian accent; The co-worker is a POC; She had just spent 3 days with my Chinese father.

We all know cool aunts don’t have kids. I had planned on leaving her the bulk of my estate but I am now taking steps to change that.

The anger is the easy part, I’ve got that down. It’s the heartbreak and future conversation(s) that I am really struggling with. I know we shouldn’t talk while I’m really really pissed but beyond that I’m lost. How can I have a constructive conversation with her? Also, how can I lead her to more knowledge about the Asian American experience? I’m not asking for resources, I’ve got those, I just don’t think I should have to do the all work for her to find them and I have no idea how to not just do all the work for someone.

TLDR: Niece (WF27) made racist Asian comment in front of me (1/2 Chinese F50); hasn’t truly apologized and I don’t know how to talk to her about it.

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lynxtosg03 t1_j2f6q4t wrote

I think the first step is to spend more time with her doing anything. When she's opened up more to you then bring up the subject privately and let them know how it hurt you. I'm sure your niece is upset and embarrassed as well. She's young, and probably needs to sort herself a bit on this issue. Keep being there for them as best you can.

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Complete-Lettuce-941 OP t1_j2fi0ih wrote

Thank you, I agree that she is embarrassed and I do want to give her some room. I appreciate the advice on spending time with her and being there for her and it makes sense because this isn’t about punishment (ok the inheritance part is but I can’t let her have the assets my immigrant grandparents left for me). Again, Thank you.

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HatsAndTopcoats t1_j2f7z2y wrote

I am really curious where she even got that "joke" from, because I'm a decade older than her and even to me it's antiquated. A thought I have is that she and her friend may have picked it up from some show or video that was using it ironically and they don't even realize the original context. I would start by asking her where she heard it, and then explain why you found it so offensive.

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PiddleAlt t1_j2fbfhq wrote

It's from Full Metal Jacket. A few people have seen it.

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Complete-Lettuce-941 OP t1_j2fjd9p wrote

It’s really not “from” full metal jacket. It’s a line associated with sex workers during the Vietnam War. Full Metal Jacket (and rap) pushed it into the pop culture of the time. I’d like to believe she didn’t know but 1. it’s said in a disparaging Asian-American accent. 2. I refuse to accept “not knowing’. Racists say stupid antiquated crap all the time.

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Flat_Lengthiness_319 t1_j2f7dhh wrote

It’s up to you if you want to repair the relationship or not. If you do I would type a heartfelt email (or just write up points you would like to bring up and do it on the phone) and explain to her how her actions were harmful and how her response was also a problem, that you understand it isn’t easy to be told you said something wrong but she still needs to take accountability. If she can take that like a mature adult in a way that satisfies you, then maybe you’re on the road towards a stronger relationship, if she gives you more of the same, then it might be best for you to distance yourself. I’m a white woman and her age and I certainly know better than to say something like that, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions and to take this as a learning experience. She might not have intended any harm but she is an adult with family who are affected by her comments, and she needs to be more cognizant of what she’s saying.

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Complete-Lettuce-941 OP t1_j2fkitj wrote

Thank you for your comment. Especially the part about accountably. I know that’s something I hope to get from her. Besides being a big one it’s our first situation even close to this bad. The suggestions you gave me are great and help me know that I have options and that can handle this, if that makes sense.

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