What is the nature of this clinic?

Even though the doctor generally has a higher "status" than a patient, it can definitely happen that a professional doesn't know what to do and how to deal with both being professional and having feelings (positive/negative) that get in the way.

If I were you, I'd be happy to have had the courage to bring it up, the rest is just your doctor showing that she is also a flawed human being. Nothing bad, just uncomfortable.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over it and face the future with just another bit of experience under your belt.

psychosomatic - basically psychotherapy and organical checks combined. I was there for high functioning depression and a chronic organ disorder (reddit didn't let me keep making the post with mentioning this) - she was a doctor and a psychotherapist.

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unfortunetely obsessing over human behaviour and analysing every detail is part of my problem especially combined with deep feelings and my goal was to relieve myself and not causing more problems, I am also having a hard time to understand how I might have irritated her, since I tried to hide it and I think I managed to do that very well and I was looking as intensely and enquiring at her as I did with everyone else.

Things without logic are very hard for me to let go and I have to admit I am a bit hurt by it and I know I have the courage to these things. It's not hard for me, normal things are though. And I am beating myself up, because I am emotionally unstable. She also praised me for having the courage but then contradicted herself by making me insecure with her behaviour.

Thanks for reading my long post though!

It would be extremely unethical for your doctor to pursue a relationship with you because you are her patient. She may be a cis woman and uncomfortable with another women desiring her. You have also put her career in jeopardy. No wonder she is standoffish.

She probably feels very awkward around you because she doesn't want to undo any progress you have made during your stay at the hospital. It's probably best to forget about her and move on.

Honestly I would just try and let this go. At the end of the day no matter how much you liked her or thought she was personable, it’s her job. I’m sure there’s strict rules on developing even friendships with patients, and her job just isn’t worth the sacrifice. I’ve had many friends say they wish they could befriend their therapist, I think it’s just the nature of having somebody listen to you unbiased, offering advice and reassurance. We all want our friendships and our partnerships to be like that, it’s an attractive quality. I know you said it’s part of your condition that you over analyze these situations but truthfully you are better off just moving past it. I also wouldn’t doubt yourself, if you felt there’s a connection there may well have been, but the likelihood is just that you truthfully were reading into it. Hope you’re feeling okay!

It's not uncommon for patients to "fall in love" with their doctors and this is even more of a factor in the mental health field. Most of the time physicians can maintain their professional composure and they're trained in how to handle these situations. But it sounds like she finally reached her limit and has allowed your persistence to break her patience. She should probably take a vacation to regain her ability to cope with this kind of thing.

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I am curious of what you mean by persistence? I didn't persist on anything, like I said I didn't have any illusions and I didn't want her to feel narrowed by it or intruding. I just told her the last week because I thought it actually is kind of of advantage if you tell someone about it so you can work on why this is occuring or deal with how to cope with it, which I had hoped for. I didn't try to make her laugh with intention. She just did. She started acting "different" from that day on. And she wasn't stressed because of me, her job was taking a toll on her, because she had to do it all by herself and maybe something was going on in her private life?

There was another patient openly talking about her feelings with her therapist. There were more people than just me who had a crush on one of their doctors or therapists.. and they either were allowed to be in awe or talked it out with their therapist and their "caretaker" handled it all really professional.

Thanks for answering :)

She's a therapist and doctor at a mental health clinic. I think it's pretty common to have feelings for your "caretaker" when you develop somewhat of a doctor - patient relationship with them. It's more common than you think. How did I put her job in jeopardy. I didn't do anything?

Why? I could openly talk about this topic and we are all grown ups and am I not allowed to deeply appreciate a person?

She also chose to build a group with me, in a circle with 11 other patients. How is this supposed to be awkward around me. If she was she would have chosen other patients to sit in a group with. It was just me and two doctors.

I am trying. Do you have any advice how?

Btw.: Cis woman means identifying with the sex Hetero would be the sexuality

I don't think there was a connection romantically. These are just my observations I made and I was hoping for people to talk me out of it :) I feel more sad and confused about her getting irritated by things that weren't meant to be seducing or in any way romantically and I hate that I might have made her feel uncomfortable, but so did she in the end after I disclosed myself. I expected nothing to change, but she changed her behaviour and for example denied my request she had agreed upon prior to my disclosure but then when she saw me being hurt because I had specifically requested to talk about the topic (during the lesson) for my sake to gain more knowledge on it - she was overly nice to me (all within 1 hour) which inevitably caused confusing on a basic human connection.

I think I am hurt in a sense that for one I might have gotten on someone's nerve with my mere presence and even showing someone my appreciation is annoying., secondly it's all a facade and you get treated nicely as a patient but in the end she doesn't "like" me, I am also very sensitive if people change behaviours towards me, I am a instable mind of state, so it's not good.

I want to let go, but it became so much more difficult now.

It’s also completely possible that her irritation was to do with something in her expansive life outside of her job. Maybe she was having family issues, or financial troubles, or relationship troubles. There’s no telling if you were the root cause of her irritation.

I don't think I was cause of her irritation. I do think she had issues in her private life which makes me feel really bad because I gave her presenta at the end and I wanted to thank her for her awesome work and what she did for me (she did basically do everything I wanted for me) and show my appreciation without becoming romantically, instead I got really nervous and had self-doubts that this was too much and proceeded to make those presents about me instead of her because in both rooms were people listening so I couldn't say what I wanted to say as it was still a level of very deep emotions but I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea and jeopardising her job. She turned from being fondly to a harsh goodbye and I am so sad I didn't get to tell her what a great person she is and how much I appreciate her work since I think she didn't get enough praise for that - also at work from the staff side and patientd and she had to deal with a lot of complaints from other patients which she couldn't do anything about.

2 days before Christmas (earlier before my release) I had to complain about something because the male leading doctor above her had done really bad things and I had to complain about it. It almost made her cry even though she was trying to suppress it. I went back to her and gave her a Christmas present (chocolate) and told her she was very smart and I didn't doubt her.

I am just totally upset and sad about not telling her how awesome she is and make her feel better about herself.