Submitted by ThrowRA_SR5 t3_10qdqus in relationship_advice

Throw away account, my last post was deleted. As the title says, I (19F) really need some advice on setting a boundary with my boyfriend, Jay (20M). We've been together for just under a year and I'm the happiest I've ever been with him but the recurring problem we keep running into is his childhood best friend, Logan (20M). Fake names all around. It's a long story, TLDR at bottom.

For background, I was great friends with Logan's girlfriend, Rose (18F), before they ever started dating. She was a fun person to be around, and we did a lot together until she met Logan, and then I hardly ever saw her anymore. If I did, she had Logan right by her side. Rose was homeschooled and stunning, like the sweetheart in an old western film, but because she missed a lot of dating opportunities, she quickly became codependent in her relationship with Logan who consequently took that power and abused it. One example is that he'd go through her phone and listen to her phone conversations to prove that "if she has nothing to hide, there's no issue with it." And Rose was fine with it.

I'd try to convince her to hangout -just us two like old times- and every time, Logan would tag along. By now he regularly talked over Rose and grossly sexualized things she did (for example, eating sticky buns at a cookout. You can guess where he took that conversation). On three specific incidents I can remember, Logan either directly smacked my rear as I walked by and either played it off as a friendly gesture or "I moved too fast for him to get my shoulder." Rose watched this and laughed. It makes me feel gross thinking about it. He also brought alcohol to my house when I specifically said not to because it's illegal at our age and my parents were there, yet he did anyway. He'd taken to obsessing over my dating and intimate life based off of information he got from spying on Rose's phone, and I started to butt heads with him and keep that information private. These are just a few incidents of many. Eventually, Rose told me that she couldn't talk to me anymore if I was going to be "difficult" with Logan, because even if I didn't like him, he was her boyfriend (which I'm sure was scripted by Logan).

Cue about a year ago. It was Rose's birthday, and I was surprisingly invited so I went, knowing Logan would be there. They introduced me to Jay, who was Logan's friend throughout their school years. I obviously hit it off with Jay and I think that really upset Logan since he wasn't expecting it, and I was now off the harassment menu. For months, I'd get glares and jabs about my past exes whenever we were all together in a group setting from him. Near the 5-month mark with Jay, Logan told him that I was treating Jay like a disposable, second option since I didn't spend every waking second with him like Logan and Rose do. I snapped and Logan and I had at each other's throats, to which Jay said he was no longer Logan's friend, and he wasn't welcome to say things like that.

It was peaceful for 6 months when out of the blue, Logan started texting Jay again. Him and Rose got engaged and Jay is invited to be the best man at their wedding sometime in the upcoming future (I don't know the date). I, of course, am not invited or even told of the news since I'm fairly certain Rose has been told to not contact me under any circumstances. I believe in second chances, but he's had many chances to apologize, and I've made it clear exactly what he did that needs apologizing for. He's tried his tactics with Jay in the past as well and we're both sick of it (ex: tried to get with Jay's ex INSIDE Jay's vehicle, ditched him countless times on outings, etc.).

I don't know what to do! If I tell Jay he can't go, then I am the crazy, controlling girlfriend. If he goes, I don't think I'll be able to get past the resentment because I know if our roles were reversed, I would not attend the wedding of someone who repeatedly harassed and treated him awfully. But I know ultimatums more likely than not end up not working in relationships. I miss my friend. We are so young, and she's too far gone, and the same person that manipulated her is trying to get his hands on my boyfriend under the guise of being old friends.

Jay has told me this because he doesn't know what to say. We're going to have a serious conversation about it tonight and I need help with what to say. I know that allowing Logan to have this one thing will only lead to him pushing further and further, like he always does.

TLDR: My boyfriend's old friend we cut off for repeatedly harassing me is engaged and wants him to be a part of the wedding, while making a point to exclude me. I don't know what to do.

I will do my best to answer questions and clarify things, I am writing this emotionally charged and I apologize for any mistakes.

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sugarmag13 t1_j6pf1p3 wrote

take off those glasses

YOUR bf is just as bad as his friend.

he allowed his friend to treat you like that

making this all about the other couple says a lot about your reality meter.

He is going to be in the wedding of the guy who harassed you.

All this at 19!

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KJM31422 t1_j6pg4qa wrote

OP, I know this seems complicated, but it's actually pretty simple... you and you BF already set this boundary with Logan once. He cut Logan out for 6 months. He can do it again. You need to put your foot down and stand up for yourself - don't make it about the wedding, you can't force him not to go, but you can make him decide between being friends with Logan (who sounds like an absolute piece of shit) or being with you.

It is completely 100% acceptable to say, "No, I will not be with you if you are friends with Logan." I would absolutely do the same. Logan is playing to your bfs ego about the wedding clearly, and unfortunately, your bf fell for it, so far.

To put it simply from jsut your post, Logan has

  • sexually harassed you

  • abused his power as Jay's friend to try and ruin your relationship

  • is blatantly abusive to his gf

  • is, pretty objectively, a sexist piece of shit.

You are PERFECTLY within your rights as a normal, lovely, sane human being to issue an ultimatum to your bf. It's you or Logan. Obviously, it's easier said than done, but the silver lining is that if he picks Logan, he's really not someone you'd want to be with anyway.

You are not AT ALL crazy for not wanting this dude in your life. You're not telling your bf he can't be friends with him, you're telling him he can't be friends with Logan AND date you.

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MckittenMan t1_j6pgahs wrote

I feel most awful for Rose in this situation. She is going to be the biggest victim out of all of this.

At least you and Jay have to awareness about everything... Rose, is walking her way into a miserable marriage and has no idea whats in store

I am happy for this.

>He's tried his tactics with Jay in the past as well and we're both sick of it (ex: tried to get with Jay's ex INSIDE Jay's vehicle, ditched him countless times on outings, etc.).

I don't know what the play is here.

Ideally, I would like to see Jay reject the wedding entirely. Not sure why he still is keeping him around as a friend. And the cherry on top would be confessing to Rose, why he is cutting Logan out and refusing best man. Its a wedding her cannot support.

Crazy this type of drama is surrounding you at 20.

Okay. My play is this.... after you execute u/KJM31422 comment

Jay, this is what Logan has done to me in the past. I cannot accept how you are in support of keeping him around. This shows me where your priorities are. I think we may need to consider if this relationship is a good fit.

Next... Rose, hunny. This might be one of the last few times we speak to each-other. But I cannot go silent. This is what I think of your relationship. You're going to be leading yourself into a trap. Logan is abusive to you. I am sorry but I cannot stand around and watch you dive into this marriage. It'll be hard to watch. I broke up with Jay because he is keeping Logan as a toxic friend. Before I go on my way, I just wanted to let you know my final thoughts.

And leave. Never look back.

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JustAnotherMaineGirl t1_j6pgvtf wrote

OP, I think it's fair to point out to Jay that Logan is being his old manipulative self again, and quite possibly trying to break you up by inviting Jay to the wedding without you. Tell Jay that he has to make up his own mind about this, but if the roles were reversed, there's no way you would agree to be Rose's maid of honor if your BF was excluded from attending the wedding.

If he doesn't already know, you should also tell Jay about how Logan used to flirt with you before you and Jay met, how he would pry into your personal life (based on snooping Rose's phone) in ways that made you uncomfortable, and how in your opinion he's never been a very good BF to Rose. Remind him about all the times that Logan has messed with him personally, and about how peaceful the last six months have been without having him in your lives.

Finally, tell him what (if anything) will break your relationship if he decides to be Logan's best man, and Logan manipulates him into a compromising situation with one of the bridesmaids or some other woman - which he will likely try to do. You're not being a crazy controlling GF by explicitly stating your own relationship boundaries, and then following through if they are violated. If strict monogamy is one of them, make sure Jay understands that before he accepts Logan's offer.

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