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Theo73pdx t1_j6nd295 wrote

Reply to comment by According-Witness-41 in My (22M) girlfriend (22F) lied about deleting the socials of a guy who hit on her by [deleted]

But, to avoid "a conversation like this," all she had to do was delete him. Yet, she kept him knowing that "a conversation like this" could ensue.

Doesn't it seem most likely that in reality, whatever value she sees in him is worth her 1) risking "a conversation like this;" 2) being okay with lying to you to your face the first time; and 3) clinging to her lie, again to your face?

I'd say this guy seems pretty valuable to your GF.

Whether you have that much value to her, only you can evaluate that.

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According-Witness-41 t1_j6nfglo wrote

She says I got mad with the way she wanted to handle the situation (I did, I hung up on her when she told me and came back when she told me about how she felt safer this way) and that she only kept him so she could explain the situation when she was ready. She said she lied to protect herself and later acknowledged it was a mistake and that she wants me to be able to trust her. I don’t know what to do.

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Theo73pdx t1_j6nooee wrote

Sorry, OP. I posted this originally in the wrong place.

These events feel confusing and tense OP, so you are OK feeling discomfort.

In the light most favorable to everyone, on her side she used indirect dishonesty with the other guy. One example was being ambiguous to him--she stated she had BF, but she acted available in exchanging IG. She also acted indirectly dishonest to you both in failing to delete him. So again seeing most favorably, she used indirect dishonesty to avoid the discomfort of telling him a full, "no thanks." I see this as emotionally violent because it is steamrolling her false view on another.

She has been directly dishonest to you in the ways everyone has pointed out: the lie, the double-down, and the several acts of gaslighting. I think you are on to something in acknowledging you could have showed up in the ick of aggro demeanor or whatever. Bigger picture, she used dishonesty to avoid stating her feelings of discomfort around you. As above, I see this as the emotional violence of using dishonesty to steamroller over your feelings, to invalidate you, and attempt to silence you.

I think your only way forward if you want to try repairing things, is to see if you both can agree that you each need to work on emotional communication. If you both do agree, then the toolkit for both of you is the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Each of you should Amazon a copy, study it, and implement changes under its teaching.

At the very least, you should buy a copy and study it. By the way, she has to buy her own copy. It puts her skin in the game.

If she won't buy the book, or if she buys it but can't be troubled to make time to read it, you will have another thing you will have to evaluate for what it means in relation to your life.

Hope that helps!

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According-Witness-41 t1_j6npovz wrote

Thank you. The kind words mean more than I thought it would.

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Theo73pdx t1_j6nr659 wrote

You are very welcome OP, happy to help. If there is anything further you felt you could want to ask, please feel free to DM. Either way, a lot of us here are pulling for you no matter which of the various outcomes develops for you.

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According-Witness-41 t1_j6nfnyr wrote

I know I can get irrational and messy, im only a person. I still have growing to do, and I shouldn’t have acted prematurely. So some portion of blame is definitely on me. But can I forgive her? Is it a bad idea if I do? Or can only I answer that?

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Bryanormike t1_j6nh3ax wrote

You are being played here. Yes it does sound like you may have handled it a bit immaturely but it doesn't change that she's playing you.

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According-Witness-41 t1_j6ni7cb wrote

Assuming what she said is true about why she did it and the apologies that followed why is she still playing me? Am I just too blind to see it? She could be genuine and this is just a mistake from her. I know I’m sounding like I’m grasping for straws but the truth is I’m lost here.

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Bryanormike t1_j6nl5f2 wrote

She only confessed to you because she realized she was caught. She did not do it because it's about trust or because she wants you to trust her more, or she would've brought it up initially or when first confronted.

You specifically mentioned she originally doubled down. Then, when you revealed evidence/proof, she was lying suddenly she was lying to avoid having that conversation with you.

As the other person said. If you hadn't confronted her about this she would've been fine and happy lying to your face about this.

I'm not saying she would've cheated on you or not. But she wants you to trust her when she blatantly lied to your face multiple times. She's playing you.

It's like someone stabbing you in the back. You turn around and they have a knife in their back and they tell you to turn around. They promise they won't stab you again. It doesn't make sense.

Btw the more I read it your did handle it very immaturely, but it still doesn't change that she's playing you.

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According-Witness-41 t1_j6nm7yl wrote

Yeah. I was one of those people who was childish and insecure, it was a very instant reaction and I regret it, because the reason why I was mad about her handing it to him in the first place had a perfectly fine explanation I was okay with.

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dEftPunk_ t1_j6nkvi2 wrote

Long distance relationship, plus she has cheated before and now she's keeping potential side dudes on IG? Do you want some more red with that flag?

Woman here telling you... Run for the hills.

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Lord_Swaglington_III t1_j6nr498 wrote

Here’s the thing: it isn’t true. It doesn’t make sense and “I wanted to avoid this conversation” just means “I don’t care about your feelings.”

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Has422 t1_j6nltag wrote

I’m trying to figure out how this explanation makes any sense. Why is it so complicated to not stay in contact with people that hit on you? It’s not complicated.

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