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are you sure its the same person?

Same age, race & occupation. Has likes from the restaurant they were at and I asked him for the information above

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Uhhh, I think it was weird that you would demand that she delete some rando. It’s controlling and possessive. She shouldn’t have lied about it though.

I never demanded it, she mentioned that she deleted it when I told her I was uncomfortable with it

And why be uncomfortable with it unless you don’t trust her to be faithful? You’re insecure and she lied to placate you.

Because he was hitting on her, we’re in a long distance relationship & she has cheated on an ex in the past. Yeah, I am insecure about this, but why lie to me rather than just remove someone?

The fact is she lied to him in the first place. Feeling weird about your gf saying she did one thing and then finding out she lied is going to bring up questions. He didn’t question their relationship until she lied about this.

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Yikes. You’re in a long distance relationship with a woman who you don’t trust and who doesn’t respect you enough to tell the truth 🚩

I don’t blame you for not trusting her, but these are not the foundations of a healthy relationship

She did him a favor. He should move tf on

Confront her about it. If she doubles down on the lie or doesn't have a satisfactory reason then you should let her go.

I think that’s the bare truth of it. I understand how important trust is, but when stuff like this happens it goes all out of the window so to speak. I can’t speak on why she’s done that but whatever reason it is isn’t a good one for me

You don't let this go you let her go

You being played

Run for your life. Don’t invest any more of yourself into whatever this arrangement is

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You ask about this calmly and from the position of "Isn't that the guy who was hitting on you?" If it is him, let her explain the rest.

Don't let her deflect or try to change the subject. It's small, but a fundamental breaking of trust, an outright lie, but why?

Update: I confronted her and she doubled down until I gave her evidence, then she said she lied because she didn’t want a “conversation like this”. She said she told him that she had a boyfriend, so at least she wasn’t planning to cheat.

But, to avoid "a conversation like this," all she had to do was delete him. Yet, she kept him knowing that "a conversation like this" could ensue.

Doesn't it seem most likely that in reality, whatever value she sees in him is worth her 1) risking "a conversation like this;" 2) being okay with lying to you to your face the first time; and 3) clinging to her lie, again to your face?

I'd say this guy seems pretty valuable to your GF.

Whether you have that much value to her, only you can evaluate that.

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She says I got mad with the way she wanted to handle the situation (I did, I hung up on her when she told me and came back when she told me about how she felt safer this way) and that she only kept him so she could explain the situation when she was ready. She said she lied to protect herself and later acknowledged it was a mistake and that she wants me to be able to trust her. I don’t know what to do.

I know I can get irrational and messy, im only a person. I still have growing to do, and I shouldn’t have acted prematurely. So some portion of blame is definitely on me. But can I forgive her? Is it a bad idea if I do? Or can only I answer that?

You are being played here. Yes it does sound like you may have handled it a bit immaturely but it doesn't change that she's playing you.

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Assuming what she said is true about why she did it and the apologies that followed why is she still playing me? Am I just too blind to see it? She could be genuine and this is just a mistake from her. I know I’m sounding like I’m grasping for straws but the truth is I’m lost here.

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Long distance relationship, plus she has cheated before and now she's keeping potential side dudes on IG? Do you want some more red with that flag?

Woman here telling you... Run for the hills.

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She only confessed to you because she realized she was caught. She did not do it because it's about trust or because she wants you to trust her more, or she would've brought it up initially or when first confronted.

You specifically mentioned she originally doubled down. Then, when you revealed evidence/proof, she was lying suddenly she was lying to avoid having that conversation with you.

As the other person said. If you hadn't confronted her about this she would've been fine and happy lying to your face about this.

I'm not saying she would've cheated on you or not. But she wants you to trust her when she blatantly lied to your face multiple times. She's playing you.

It's like someone stabbing you in the back. You turn around and they have a knife in their back and they tell you to turn around. They promise they won't stab you again. It doesn't make sense.

Btw the more I read it your did handle it very immaturely, but it still doesn't change that she's playing you.

I’m trying to figure out how this explanation makes any sense. Why is it so complicated to not stay in contact with people that hit on you? It’s not complicated.

Yeah. I was one of those people who was childish and insecure, it was a very instant reaction and I regret it, because the reason why I was mad about her handing it to him in the first place had a perfectly fine explanation I was okay with.

Telling him that she’s got a boyfriend, but then keeping him on the hook and lying to you about it does not mean she’s not going to cheat.

She may not, but she lied and lied until you confronted her with the truth. Then blamed you. None of this sounds good.

Why lie unless your doing shady shit?

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Sorry, OP. I posted this originally in the wrong place.

These events feel confusing and tense OP, so you are OK feeling discomfort.

In the light most favorable to everyone, on her side she used indirect dishonesty with the other guy. One example was being ambiguous to him--she stated she had BF, but she acted available in exchanging IG. She also acted indirectly dishonest to you both in failing to delete him. So again seeing most favorably, she used indirect dishonesty to avoid the discomfort of telling him a full, "no thanks." I see this as emotionally violent because it is steamrolling her false view on another.

She has been directly dishonest to you in the ways everyone has pointed out: the lie, the double-down, and the several acts of gaslighting. I think you are on to something in acknowledging you could have showed up in the ick of aggro demeanor or whatever. Bigger picture, she used dishonesty to avoid stating her feelings of discomfort around you. As above, I see this as the emotional violence of using dishonesty to steamroller over your feelings, to invalidate you, and attempt to silence you.

I think your only way forward if you want to try repairing things, is to see if you both can agree that you each need to work on emotional communication. If you both do agree, then the toolkit for both of you is the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Each of you should Amazon a copy, study it, and implement changes under its teaching.

At the very least, you should buy a copy and study it. By the way, she has to buy her own copy. It puts her skin in the game.

If she won't buy the book, or if she buys it but can't be troubled to make time to read it, you will have another thing you will have to evaluate for what it means in relation to your life.

Hope that helps!

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Thank you. The kind words mean more than I thought it would.

I will also look into the book.

Here’s the thing: it isn’t true. It doesn’t make sense and “I wanted to avoid this conversation” just means “I don’t care about your feelings.”

You are very welcome OP, happy to help. If there is anything further you felt you could want to ask, please feel free to DM. Either way, a lot of us here are pulling for you no matter which of the various outcomes develops for you.

Cause she kinda wants to fuck him and doesn't think you two are going to last forever. And you're 22 so if you're trying to settle down then you should find someone e who is also trying to do that.