Continued: He told me I don’t have anything to worry about and reassured me angrily and tried guilt tripping me to not being up his past. But I tell him bc it hurts me and I feel not enough. And that I need reassurance. And that I hate that he doesn’t regret it. I asked him that tonight, he said no. I wanted to die. He thinks I want this now. Truthfully yes and no. Would I actually do this- no, not at all. I’m extremely jealous, I wouldn’t risk losing him, i can barely have sex as it is, I love him, we have an amazing sex life. But I can’t get over that he had done that and has that experience, I feel insecure in my abilities. He brought up how I told him in my past I thought I was bi and how with one my one ex I was open to that shit, and it bothered him. Tbh, I think I wanted that bc my ex had a small penis….I feel fucked up saying that too.

He said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and that I don’t trust him. I told him we have to talk about this now. We did and it continued with him saying what if the tables were reversed I’d have to deal with it and trust you. I said it’s easy for him to say that bc he had that experience and thought it was hot and consented to it. He was like yeah I consented to it, I thought it was fine. I said yeah it’s not a problem with consent it’s a problem that you liked it and didn’t question it or get up and leave or say something. Idk if he’s lying about how it all went down or what.

Yeah, I was jealous that he got to do that but REALLY realistically speaking- I don’t want that at all. I’d rather k!ll myself than thinking of doing that with him. Male or female with him, going thru an actually threesome.

The love we share is immense. But idk how to get over this. And before I get judged, first I’m extremely fragile rn, and two yes I know this is all fucked up and incredibly unattractive the way I feel, but being a survivor of sexual abuse and being unsure of my sexuality and than having my bf say he did something I wanted or thought I wanted and having the ability to have sex PERIOD. It’s incredibly frustrating and jealous and makes me insecure and I don’t feel enough. How am I suppose to trust he won’t want it or will cheat on me and do this. It’s so easy for him to have said “well you wanted those things” while THE FUCKER DID JUST THAT. It’s so unfair. I fucking hate this. I hate everything. Why couldn’t he say he atleast regretted it. No he doesn’t have to but Jesus Christ.

He just keeps saying it’s not a big deal, I told him it’s fucked up for him to say that and he should care about my feelings. To diminish how I feel. He continued to guilt trip about how “our relationship was going so well”

I’m angry and I’m hurt and pissed at what he said. I wanna pull my hair out. He told me to be straight up and tell him if I want those things to tell him bc we’ll break up bc he doesn’t what those things. I ofc would rather not, not ducking ever lose him to some other pair of titties or cock. But he doesn’t believe me now. I know deep down he doesn’t and deep down I don’t believe he doesn’t want another woman in the room. I wanna die. Idc if I’m being immature. I’m asking for help rn. I love this man so much. But I feel like a baby saying it’s unfair. And I don’t even want to have a threesome or be with anyone else.

He kept saying I don’t have anything to worry about but idk. Idk why I couldn’t stop crying and thinking of him having sex like that. Fuck- I can’t remove the thought in my brain. I wish he said he regretted it. All he kept saying it was before me and that he didn’t know me than.