[30M][31F] Husband won't communicate

Submitted by Panic_Pixie t3_10pxk1g in relationship_advice

I'm at my wits end, and I am really hoping you all have some advice to help me with my marriage.

My [31F] husband [30M] has put up this wall blocking communication in our marriage. It is the primary stressor and complaint I have. I have asked him to go to therapy,as I myself go to individual therapy. He won't make the appointment.

He doesn't listen to what I say, he just answers with what he thinks he hears. This is multiple times a day and it makes me feel worthless because I'm not worth really listening to. For example, I asked him "do you have time before work to run the robot vacuum?" His response was "I don't like to run the vacuum when I'm not here." I responded with "I know. That's why I asked if you had time before work." It's little things like this that add up to a feeling of worthlessness in me.

When we are supposed to be spending quality time together, he is glued to his Facebook feed scrolling mindlessly and posting memes multiple times a day.

He has some hearing loss, but even when I am standing beside him and ask a question or say something, he'll often just stand there and stare at his phone or whatever he's got in his hand, and not even acknowledge I said anything. This is frustrating because I can't tell if he heard me and just won't acknowledge me, or if he genuinely didn't hear me. If I repeat, he angrily responds "I heard you!" How was I supposed to know if he wouldn't acknowledge I'd spoken?

We had a couple's communication class through a therapist once in the past, but he got angry and frustrated with it.

I just need an outside perspective. Why is he so opposed to taking a communication lass? What can I do to help? I am so exhausted, and my therapist has suggested we take a break if he continues to refuse to be present and work on our marriage. I'm here for suggestions or approaches I haven't tried before it gets to that.

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Boredandsleeps t1_j6mnabi wrote

Then do as your therapist suggested and take a break but don't go back to him if he starts to make pretty promises. Let him know that he has to put the work into the marriage and himself if he wants to even have the chance of getting you back. If he doesn't then your marriage is effectively over.

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gordonf23 t1_j6musux wrote

“Honey, I’ve tried everything I know how to do to fix this situation and improve the communication between us. I’m willing to try other things, but you’re not even willing to pay attention to me much of the time, let alone make the effort to repair this relationship. I love you, but if you want to stay married to me, we are going to start seeing a couples counselor twice a month. Let me know by the end of the week what you decide, and whether you’d like to make the appointment yourself or if you’d like me to do it. I’m not going to ask you about this again, so if I don’t hear back from you by Friday, I’m assuming you want a divorce and I’ll make plans to move out.”

You should also contact a divorce lawyer NOW to find out what your options are. It doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce, but you would be foolish not to at least know your options and be prepared if it comes to that.

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[deleted] t1_j6n01f1 wrote

[removed]

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gordonf23 t1_j6n06v2 wrote

Yes. Very good point.

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6n47hi wrote

What was the good point? It was deleted before I could see it.

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gordonf23 t1_j6n4kvo wrote

To email or facebook it to him, too, so he can’t claim later that he didn’t hear you.

(Also: why does everyone fucking delete everything all the time?? It’s really fucking annoying.)

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6n4rqp wrote

Thank you for sharing the advice.

And I have no idea. I agree it's annoying.

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jabmwr t1_j6mtef0 wrote

Your husband is emotionally stunted and has poor communication skills. This could also be compounded by some other mental illness or unresolved trauma. Regardless, he can’t even apply himself in a simple class, what are you realistically going to be able to do to get him to change?

Nothing. You’re doing all you’re able to do. I don’t know what else Reddit can suggest; listen to your therapist. Actions speak louder than words.

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Stellaaahhhh t1_j6n2380 wrote

>I am so exhausted, and my therapist has suggested we take a break if he continues to refuse to be present and work on our marriage.

Is that feasible? Like do either of you have either the funds to pay for another housing situation or have someone you could stay with? Because honestly it's good advice. It sounds like he's isolating himself while enjoying the advantages of you being there to take care of things. If he wants to be isolated, let him see what that's actually like.

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6n43rz wrote

The reason I've been reluctant to take that jump is it's really not feasible. He makes about half what I do, and can't afford the rent on the apartment without me. And I really can't split my pay between a hotel and the apartment. Neither of us have family in the area, so that's not really an option, either.

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Stellaaahhhh t1_j6n4q9i wrote

Ugh. In that case, maybe figure out an informal break. Clean your own space, fix your own food, do your own thing. And leave him to do the same. I'm not saying don't even talk, but try to step back. Let him know what you're doing though.

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6n5a1p wrote

I will try, but we are in a one bedroom apartment, and there's really not much space. Thank you for the advice.

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hideousfox t1_j6o4st8 wrote

That's perfect then. He believes you won't leave. Prove him wrong so he wakes up and realises he needs you.

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kvetcherkit t1_j6nhqvz wrote

Honestly, I'm not one for ultimatums, but at this point it seems like you have done everything to try and communicate but you can't go any further if he won't put in his half of the effort.

Perhaps it's time to tell him that it's time for therapy to help fix this issue or else you're done. No more of this, "I'll try and do better but I don't want to go to therapy with you" nonsense. He either goes or you go.

Especially since by the sounds of it he isn't providing much in the marriage or bringing anything positive to your life. You don't have to stay with someone and be unhappy. It doesn't have to be extremely toxic and abusive for you to leave. You're allowed to leave because your needs aren't being met and you aren't satisfied or happy anymore.

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keltik7 t1_j6na2xw wrote

Sounds like he’s not interested in being with you but doesn’t want to be the one to break it off. This taking a break, if you can’t physically leave the home, maybe just cease to engage with him and act like he’s not there, do your own thing. If he carries on regardless, it’s time to let it go, if he realises you’re taking a break and makes an effort, good. But it just sounds like he’s trying to waste your time.

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Tower-Junkie t1_j6of5t5 wrote

Often times it’s not that the person doesn’t want to be with you, they just want to reap the benefits of being with you without putting in the work to make you happy as well. I’m sure he’s just fine with getting his needs met and being cared about. He just doesn’t care enough to give back. People have mental and emotional issues that cause problems with communication, but that’s what therapy and classes are for. He refuses to do those.

Just a PSA for anyone in a situation where you’re asking something of your partner and they put you off or outright refuse: If they wanted to, they would.

If they wanted to take you out more, they would. If finances are the issue they’d find a way to do a cheap/free date here and there.

If they wanted to be more open and honest, they would. They’d get the therapy. They’d take the classes.

If they wanted to fix the issues, they’d do whatever they could to try and fix it.

If you’ve had repeated conversations with someone and they’re aware of the thing and they still won’t do the thing, they just don’t want to.

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schecter_ t1_j6oj2jl wrote

Been in a similar situation with someone with poor communication skills, spoiler alert: Doesn't worth the trouble.

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Mr_Donatti t1_j6p1d93 wrote

It’s probably a combination of lack of consideration for you, hearing loss and being completely brain dead and enslaved by social media and his phone.

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Bitter_Syllabub t1_j6p2rao wrote

You can’t force a person into therapy they have to want it for themselves for it to work. You are desperate to save this marriage but it doesn’t seem like he shares that desire.

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r_coefficient t1_j6ngau3 wrote

What do you gain from being in this relationship?

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6nhavm wrote

The standard answers. I love him. Our good days make me happy. It's nice to not be alone...

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hideousfox t1_j6o502r wrote

I was in a similar relationship and I left. I felt alone and lonely all the time while in the relationship. I'm single over a year now and I don't have these feelings any more.

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6o5d1y wrote

I do feel lonely, even when we are together. We were watching a movie and he was staying at his phone for most of it just scrolling through Facebook.

I just want to feel wanted...the only time he shows interested in me is when he wants to get physical, and I am just not interested with this emotional gulf in the marriage. And he thinks that's the main problem...

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hideousfox t1_j6o5pjk wrote

That's the main problem because he only cares about stuff that affects him. I mean you can try and make him realise he's at fault, but it seems like he's entirely unresponsive and does not want to work on the relationship. The longer you stay, the more time you waste.

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6o6gdd wrote

He twists everything to find a way to no be at fault. I woke him up one day last week because he was supposed to go get important papers while I worked from home and he was oversleeping. I tried three different times to shake him or say his name, but nothing was working. So I went in and said louder (not screaming but slightly louder than my normal talking voice) "Husband Name, if you were going to get the documents, you need to get up and get going". His first words to me once he was up were "I've told you before how to wake me up. You have to be nicer." He was mad I 'go straight to yelling" when I wasn't even yelling and he didn't hear me when I tried to be quiet...

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hideousfox t1_j6ocr5k wrote

Girl, you know this is not normal. He's doing it on purpose and this example proves it unfortunately. He feels secure and like you're never going to take any action against his behaviour. He will not change... I know it's not what you want to hear, but it would be best if you did not waste your life on this man

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Panic_Pixie OP t1_j6odj9g wrote

Yeah, I know. I guess I was hoping for some magic solution. Thanks for the reality check.

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hideousfox t1_j6odvad wrote

It's definitely not easy to leave but it's 100x times fulfilling than staying in a dead relationship. I never regretted leaving. I hope you'll find strength

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r_coefficient t1_j6nhyf6 wrote

But you're not "not alone" if you don't communicate. And in a healthy relationship, you don't have to count the good days.

I left my emotionally abusive partner after what was wayyy to long, and am now in a very happy marriage. One thing I learned: You can't be open for a great relationship when you're hopelessly trying to fix a bad one.

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biteme717 t1_j6p3gjd wrote

Grab his attention and tell him that you want to separate from him and that you are thinking about ending this marriage. If he doesn't talk to you, then he IMO has emotionally checked out. Pack up some stuff and tell him that you will be back for the rest and walk out. Or you put your hands on the side of his face and tell him that you are leaving him, make him HEAR you.

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