My (23f) boyfriend (23m) and his friend (23f)

Submitted by Cait_2000 t3_10phgh0 in relationship_advice

So me (23F) and my boyfriend is (23M), have been dating for a month after knowing each other for almost 4 years. He has a friend (23F) that he has only been friends with 3 months prior to our relationship as they happened to get the same student accommodation and are living together with some other people. The first time I met her she was cold, unwelcoming and barely looked at me whereas she was lovely to my friend (also 23F) who came with me at the time. Any time I try speak about her to my boyfriend he always gets so defensive over her and it generally leads to an argument as he always takes her side. I have noticed that he also seems to think about her first. I have been through similar situations before and so far my gut has always been right. I feel like I trust him but I don't trust her and it bothers me he doesn't seem to listen. Should I be worried or just walk away? I don't want drama over a girl in my relationship ever again, whether I'm right or wrong about this one. Opinions/thoughts of any kind would be so welcome.

UPDATE: We had a long chat about it, he eventually lost his temper and began listening to me and we sorted it out as I felt like he listened. I encouraged him to go out tonight with his friends (the 23F friend included), he did and has been horrible to me over the phone since going out. So I'm done 🥰💕 thanks everyone for your support x

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roomshka t1_j6khzph wrote

If he is willing to prioritize someone else over you, his girlfriend and someone he has known for much longer, then it is something to be worried about.

Given that this relationship is only a month old, do you believe that the situation is going to get any better? If your bf doesn’t even try to listen to your perspective over something like this, don’t count on him respecting your thoughts/feelings/opinions later on.

I don’t want to jump the gun and say leave him, but just know that if your gut is telling you something is wrong, you should probably listen. Especially if it wasn’t wrong before, might I add.

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6kipp3 wrote

Thank you for your reply 💕 I honestly don't see the situation getting better but I also know I'm just done with drama and might be a bit harsh about it, hence this post. Having known him for so long I didn't get the impression he was like this and bless him he's so great about everything else but I truly can't be defending myself against someone he barely knows.

I have caught one ex cheating before and I just had a gut feeling so I went over and another ex I could tell from day one his friend wasn't good news and sure enough she was sneaky and tried him multiple times haha. Funny world.

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roomshka t1_j6kliyc wrote

I just want you to know, that it is okay to put yourself first. No relationship is worth screwing your mental health over for. If he doesn’t budge, tell him you won’t either and end it at that. You simply have a boundary that is being crossed and he is ignoring it, defending against it, even.

It’s one thing to be insecure about him having female friends which clearly seems to not be the case here, but it is definitely not a good sign if he is willing to defend her against your very valid concern without even taking it into consideration.

I am sorry you went through all of that. Being cheated on is a very hard thing to emotionally recover from. I wish you the best, OP❤️

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MckittenMan t1_j6kgl5t wrote

The waters spicy on this one.

Given this is a month old relationship. Might be best if you just go back to being friends.

Things like this tend to become reoccurring theme in relationships

  • You're going to perceive it as a threat
  • He's just going to side with her
  • You're going to be battling your insecurities
  • He will continue giving you reasons to be insecure
  • You will always be uncomfortable with things

Realistically, the only path to resolution is you befriending her.

The alternative is find a different relationship where none of this is a factor. You can focus solely on the relationship, and not have to burden yourself with the potential upcoming drama.

I would have a tough time with that myself, GF living with a new guy friend and is protective over.

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6khscz wrote

Thank you so much for your response, unfortunately I know that pattern all too well. I have tried to be so nice to her but she seems to just shrug me off. The first thing she said about me to him is "don't get your heart broken", which? I'm sorry but when my friends get into a relationship I'm excited for them, I don't tell them to be careful without even knowing the person. So I don't think friends is an option.

It's early days in the relationship and I know we work well as friends so I think I'm siding with the idea of just being friends with him. Again thank you.

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MckittenMan t1_j6kicsq wrote

>don't get your heart broken

Ooooh. She don't like you like you.

Yeah... that is no go in my book.

To me, that sounds like she is potentially jealous of you, and jealousy usually means one thing... Feelings.

Which your BF is either oblivious to, or kindling.

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6kj55z wrote

I feel like he is oblivious to it but I have tried to point it out to him, saying she's had his full attention for four months and now I'm in the picture all of these small little things have started happening. He did mention when he first met her he fancied him (which was max only 4 months ago haha) so I know he finds her attractive. I don't think he's the type of guy to do anything untowards but accidents can happen and that'd be the end of it for me anyway.

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MckittenMan t1_j6kltoc wrote

Yeah, fuck that noise.

He gave you an indication of subtle interest at a point.

Even though he is in a relationship, and protected by the "we're just friends" label.

I bet her attention feels good to him, even if it is on the smallest level possible.

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6kng8p wrote

That right there, you've hit the nail on the head. I appreciate you! Needed to hear that honestly.

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MckittenMan t1_j6ko4oh wrote

r/relationship_advice has your back.

Take care now.

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Boysenberry1919 t1_j6kj4or wrote

>I trust him but I don't trust her

You don't have to trust her. You're not in a relationship with her. Simple as that. If it turns out you don't actually trust him around her then perhaps re-evaluate why that is.

>it bothers me he doesn't seem to listen.

Ignoring your concerns outright isn't cool. That's probably a bigger concern. But I would try to address that with him first before deciding where the relationship ultimately goes.

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6kjil6 wrote

You're right, clearly I mustn't fully trust him. I am certain he wouldn't do anything intentionally but I'm not certain something accidental won't happen.

I'll have a chat with him tonight and see how it goes. Depending on his response I'll give it some time and lay out a boundary that if she becomes a reoccurring theme in our relationship I'm not interested. It's just difficult because I do work in the same place as him and 100% would have to find a different job haha

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SmileSong t1_j6kpoqs wrote

>they happened to get the same student accommodation

Oh dear 😅

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6kq05h wrote

Yup 😅 haha

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SmileSong t1_j6kqgg5 wrote

Oh well who cares. If he’s the type to take another girls side in the argument it prob wouldn’t have lasted anyways.

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Cait_2000 OP t1_j6kqm0a wrote

Honestly you're right. Just gotta brush it off, it's simply q good learning experience for me 😋

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