Five Year Relationship Ending - M41 F 35

Submitted by ThrowRA-AManHsNoName t3_10q2hwj in relationship_advice

I will try to keep this as brief as I can while still conveying the details:

Met a girl, moved in together, got engaged, lived in several different places, the relationship started showing cracks before getting married, the wedding kept getting postponed, and recently I got pretty fed up after a particularly bad argument, and decided to move out.

She keeps trying to get me to come back, is crying, apologizing, and trying to convince me to work things out. I'm not sure that I should, and feel terrible. I don't want to just quit trying, but I feel like the relationship no longer has a future. Here are the issues, from my perspective, that make me want to end this relationship:

Bad things about her

  • I don’t like her negative, brooding personality which is present in more than half of our interactions over time.
  • She has bad moods for long periods of time resulting in me not wanting to be around her.
  • There is no trust which prevents me from socializing and making friends (I have not cheated).
  • She ruins every trip or activity with her attitude by not comitting, being negative, argumentative, and unhelpful.
  • She does not truly enjoy the things I like (boating, camping, fishing, cycling, snowboarding).
  • She does not have her own activities outside of work.
  • Anything she owns is hers, anything I own is ours including housing and vehicles.
  • She does not share things that are hers.
  • We have had heated discussions where she stated that she wants to merge finances and applying “group decisions”, but I feel that she is using that to control my finances. (We currently split expenses by our ratio of relative income which is 35/65 with me earning more)
  • She almost never apologizes. Does not own up to bad behavior, and instead blames me whenever confronted regarding any bad behavior.
  • She shows a lack of care for my things
  • 30 days ago she was diagnosed with ADHD which has been related to several of the issues above.

Good things about her

  • She is at least starting her own career
  • She cooks dinner
  • She is nice to talk with when she’s in a good mood
  • She is very pretty

TLDR; breaking up because I'm fed up with her constant attitude.

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Comments

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trishsf t1_j6nept3 wrote

Seriously? You don’t even like her. A lot of people are pretty and can cook. Plus. Stellar remark about her thriving career.

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jabmwr t1_j6niq9v wrote

Bad things about her: 12

Good things about her: 4

I think you should move on.

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Billowing_Flags t1_j6nngdr wrote

And one of the "good things" about her is that she is "very pretty". Ugh!

OP:

  1. Looks don't last; no one is "very pretty" forever.

  2. She shouldn't get any kudos for good looks. She received those through the genetic lottery it required no effort on her part!

  3. People should be judged on the effort they make to grow as well-rounded mature people - not the superficial aspects over which they have no/limited control (big bust, broad shoulders, height, pretty eyes, "very pretty").

Here are the aspects over which she has control

  • her personality - no interests of her own and not interested in yours
  • her intellectualism - nothing listed
  • her emotional development - she's negative, brooding, argumentative, shirks responsibility
  • finances - finally starting a career at 35yo; what's she been doing for the last 1.5 decades? She's selfish and unwilling to share; she wants you to be her wallet
  • So, 25% of her "good points" are that she was born attractive while 92% of her "bad points" are things over which she has control; but chooses to ignore. She's too lazy/selfish to make significant changes to herself which are necessary to be in a mature relationship with another adult partner. This woman is NOT the best partner you can find for a long-term relationship. It's a new year; treat yourself to a better relationship with a MATURE person who will pull at least 1/2 the load with you!
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jabmwr t1_j6nno5w wrote

I started typing what you said, but I didn’t have the energy lol

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ThrowRA-AManHsNoName OP t1_j6npyab wrote

This answer is very helpful for me, thank you. This is hard.

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Billowing_Flags t1_j6o6gpp wrote

It IS hard, but you will find (almost immediately) upon breaking up and no longer living with her that you will feel happier, lighter, more hopeful, interested in things/people/events. When you break with her, you should make it 100% (her and all her friends/relatives on all social media) and permanent.

Those of us who've left unfulfilling long-term relationships were surprised to find how quickly we felt immensely better. Best wishes on a great 2023!

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tercer78 t1_j6nixxc wrote

You wrote a damn novel on things to not like and less than 20 words on things to like including one with a huge caveat compared to the negative list.

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quickcalamity t1_j6nhn9l wrote

This sounds like a no go to me, absent any admission or ownership on her part. She has to own up, take responsibility for her decisions issues, get into therapy and also couples therapy with you. But honestly, my guess is it would not lead anywhere. Even her pluses are lame. Basically, she cooks and she’s pretty. If you marry someone for their looks and how that translates to your own self esteem you’re in for a world of hurt in the future. Good on you for putting off the wedding and good god do NOT merge finances.

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Background-Cow8401 t1_j6nlqqo wrote

Move on, and don't let her guilt you into trying to fix it. You have had 5 years and nothing has changed. There are many other women who are single and a better fit for you.

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