Submitted by Mean-Slice-6217 t3_10q0zu0 in relationship_advice

So my fiancee recently went to her hometown for 3 days to celebrate her best friends birthday, shes not one to keep secrets and ive never been worried about her cheating. I watched the baby and worked while she enjoyed a couple days off. The night before shes supposed to come back she gets really drunk and calls me but cant really explain how her night led up to this point, wont really tell me whos with her (besides her friend) and then tells me shes been buying their drinks all night.

The next day she is hungover and waiting for her flight home and is going over her night with me, she explains her best friends ex boyfriend bought their drinks and hungout with them. I asked why she lied about them hanging out with some guy and she got very defensive, now many days later ive just been uneasy about it, its very unlike her. So in shameful fashion i checked her phone and she told her best friend "Im not gonna tell him about Guy1 and guy2 since he got so mad about me lying about hanging out with guy3"

Dont know how to feel, weve been togethor 4 years and have a daughter. Lemme know what yall would do.



You must log in or register to comment.

AutoModerator t1_j6n55aq wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.


YourRAResource t1_j6n6b69 wrote

I wanted to try to rationalize everything, until the last sentence of the second paragraph. It's even possible nothing happened beyond drinking and hanging out with them considering how she worded that message. But it's still a problem that she lied to you.

So where you go from here is you talk to her. I'm the first person to come on here and say I don't condone snooping. But what's done is done. You did and you saw what you saw. The fact that you snooped doesn't make reality any less true. So you can either keep pressing the issue until she opens up, or you can just be honest that you saw the texts. As it stands, she's trickle truthing you.

She'll likely turn things around on you for snooping, but again, that doesn't change reality. So hold firm and talk this through. I don't want to sit here and just jump to the extreme and say she's cheating and you should leave her. I don't know if she's cheating (and right now I honestly assume she isn't), and I don't want to jump to ending things because if no cheating occurred, if she just comes clean, this is something you should be able to work through, and then of course you have a child together.

I would, however, suggest you don't rush to get married until this is all sorted out. Because if ultimately you decide you can't trust her, then at that point you shouldn't be in the relationship, let alone consider making it legal. Good luck.


spiteful_rr_dm_TA t1_j6nh106 wrote

She is lying and hiding things. You need a serious discussion where she needs to come forward with the full, verifiable truth, and she needs to explain why she felt the need to lie


biopticstream t1_j6ni6bg wrote

bro, chill. You got some serious trust issues goin' on there. It's not like your girl went out and cheated on you or anything. Shes just havin' a good time with her friends, no harm no foul.

But I feel you, if she's lyin' to you about who she's hangin' out with, that's not cool. You got a right to be uneasy about that. But you also got to remember, she's just tryna have a good time with her friends. She's not tryna hurt you or anything like that.

So what you gotta do is sit down and have a real talk with her. Ask her why she's lyin' to you and why she's being so defensive. Listen to what she has to say, and then you tell her how you feel about it.

But you can't just go checkin' her phone bro, that's not cool either. You gotta trust her and give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's lyin' to you, she's lyin' to you, and that's on her. But don't go lookin' through her phone, that's just whack.

In the end, you gotta remember why y'all got together in the first place. You got a daughter and 4 years together, that's not somethin' to just throw away. You gotta work this out, together. And if she's not down to work it out, then maybe y'all just ain't meant to be. But don't give up on her just yet, give her a chance to explain herself.


castaway47 t1_j6nkc10 wrote

You know you can't trust her.

Do you really want to marry someone you can't trust?


IllVast4743 t1_j6nuexb wrote

Sounds like It’s time to stop being that passive boyfriend and find your backbone. She should have just been downgraded back to just gf. She clearly does. Not respect you at all. You are going to have some self respect and lay down some boundaries in your relationship.


Help24-7 t1_j6nzshf wrote

You need to talk to her and listen

Sounds life she was hanging out with her old friends. You sound incredibly jealous. I mean she tried talking to you about it while she was drunk and you freaked on her. You then doubled down again the next day.

Again you snooped through her phone instead of talking to her about it days later. What if you hadn't found anything?? And was it the first time you've snooped through her stuff because you felt suspicious?

You keep reacting irrationally. She has reason to be defensive and withhold telling you stuff if you're going to be volatile about it. And I doubt it's the first time you've been like this.

You need to communicate with her. And yeah she's going to be upset you went through her phone so please don't use it as excuse to make it okay because you think you found something. Trust runs both ways and there are issues on both sides.


fubar_68 t1_j6o0zke wrote

Finding out early you can’t trust them is usually a good thing. Too bad it was after the kid. Then you gotta think is it my kid. Because now you know she has no problem lying to you. It’s a slippery slope when you lose trust.


Mean-Slice-6217 OP t1_j6okthz wrote

The more i read your comments and turn this over and over in my head the more i feel like ive made a mistake, shouldve probably left it alone. I wouldnt have proposed to this woman if i really didnt feel like i could trust her, and if anything you guys are right she probably just trying to save herself a frustrating conversation since she knows how i am and how possessive my nature can be. Feel like i learned something nevertheless so thanks yall. Lets try and work on being less insecure and more encouraging about bouts of honesty, responding the right way and having a sense of perspective.


Eastern_Effective_87 t1_j6ora7q wrote

I would send that text message to her from your phone while she's sitting next yo you and tell her to start talking. Then, after she tells her washed down version. I would call the friend and tell her that gf told you everything and you want to confirm with her exactly who was with man 1 and 2. Hopefully, you get their names.

Then, if the relationship is over, you make an exit plan. It is workable you find a therapist to help navigate the road to trusting again


SnubbedPeen t1_j6ou5pc wrote

Totally easier said than done but I'd just be honest with her. Maybe try to create a talking space to just open up about all of what has transpired. If things get to a point of no repair, definitely suggest seeking out an attorney to discuss your options since you have a kid with her.


biteme717 t1_j6ovodv wrote

She wouldn't be my fiancee or my GF after I read those messages, IMO. She was cheating


pacodefan t1_j6pfjfc wrote

Adios. No choice here. Gotta keep that self respect.