Me (F27)and my autistic boyfriend (M27)

Submitted by DigPsychological7128 t3_10q8ul9 in relationship_advice

I am sorry if this is not the right place to ask this question, but I asumed this is the place where people will have the most experience.

My autistic boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship for 3 years. We were "planning" for me to move to his country, because he said he would never manage to learn my language and adapt to it. Since the beggining of our relationship I realised that he is not showing his emotions that easily, and that our communication is bad. Its always me trying to initiate talk, and rather then talking to me, he is playing video games and barely even listening to me. I tried to be understandable for him, but I also found out that when we started dating (our first year was totally online due to Covid, we started traveling to each other after that), that he was flirting with other girls online. We had million fights about that and somehow I was over it when we started seeing each other irl.

A month ago, I found out that not only he was just flirting in our first year together, he tried to date a couple more of them, while also dating me. Through our first year of relationship he also really liked and wanted to be with his friend, while again, being with me. After he realised that all the other girls didnt wanted anything, he visited me in my country finally and we started seriously planning our life together.

There is that, thats just one of the problems. Second is that, due to our circumstances, I need a visa to live with him. A visa that requires him to have a stable income and a financial requirement. He is currently working for 10 years on the same job, thats not full time and pays the minimum wage. He lives with his sister that is cleaning and cooking for him.

Because the financials he is not able to sponsor me, and he refuses to get a better job. He is telling me that he will get one, but for a year now he didnt even made a CV. I know I would be able to support us once I move there and get a job because I have higher education then him. Its just, we cant start our lives together and close our gap if he doesnt start working on that.

I read online and I saw that its really hard for autistic people to do any changes, so I dont know anymore do I expect something impossible from him? Our communication is weak, he refuses to talk seriously about our future and we recently had a fight and we are not even talking for a week.

On the end of all, I dont know what to do. He was unfaithful on the start, he refuses to act mature, he refuses to take initiative about our relationships future and get a better job. All he does is being passive and play video games all day. Is this really all a symptome of autism, am I expecting something that he cant possibly do or?

I dont expect anyone to read this bible of a text and I apologize for my bad English. I also posted this on an autism subreddit.

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Demons_EnthusimQueen t1_j6okb9g wrote

>He was unfaithful at the start, he refuses to act mature, and he refuses to take initiative about our relationship's future and get a better job. All he does is be passive and play video games all day. Is this all a symptom of autism, am I expecting something that he can't possibly do?

Autism is different in everyone. Everyone who is autistic has similar symptoms but not all of them. I'm Autistic, and I have poor communication skills but I understand right from wrong.

His actions are speaking louder than his words. He cheated, you're a second option, won't take initiative, won't look for a better job which can be a symptom of autism because it requires change but with the right support and whatnot, it can be done.

I honestly think he's looking for someone to replace his sister. From your post, it sounds like he doesn't even do chores or helps his sister out.

You are asking for the bare minimum in a relationship, in which he refuses to provide or comes up with excuses. Think really hard about this relationship, because I think you'll become a replacement.

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DigPsychological7128 OP t1_j6ooei3 wrote

Thank you. I also told him that his actions tell me what he thinks about our relationship. I am aware that I was pushing him maybe too much, to get a job and try to move out, but if he wants a life with me like he says he does, he should do it. My family who has less money then his is ready to help us financialy and get a loan for the visa, and I just feel embarrassed how inmature he is acting about that.

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Vlophoto t1_j6olg5h wrote

I believe you may need a better understanding about having a relationship with a person with autism. Each person is unique and if you have met one person with autism you have only met one person with autism. If the relationship isn’t for you then don’t stay in it. Understand who this person is and either accept it or not. I would not anticipate a lot of change

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DogsandCatsWorld1000 t1_j6omgzx wrote

He is 27 years old and this is how he has been for the last three years. Doesn't matter if how he acts has anything to do with autism or not. This is how he is. If this is how you see the rest of your life then stay dating him. If not, then continue to not talk and get on with your life.

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sugarmag13 t1_j6oo76e wrote

3 years! This is who he is! How he is and how he will be.

Do you want to be in a long-distance relationship seeing each other a few days a year for the rest of your life?

Thats what is going to happen. At 27 and a higher education you should be fully aware of that. Since your obviously aren't it's scary/

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DigPsychological7128 OP t1_j6opbb2 wrote

I know. I also told him that long distance cant last forever and that with this tempo it looks like it will stay like that. He is wasting my money and his money, our time and nerves on our visits for no reason if he has no intention for us to live together

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