I (21 f) love my gf (23f) but we physically abuse each other

Submitted by East_Annual3829 t3_10qe6i9 in relationship_advice

TW: Self harm, Drugs, DV

I love my girlfriend so much but I feel so sad with her. We try our best to not fight, we have conversations on how to fix things and make 1it better but we always go back to the same thing. She tells me to express myself and I try but when I do it never turns out well and it always becomes an argument. I feel like the same thing happens to her.

I hurt myself because I dont know what else to do with this feeling inside of me. I want it to work so bad because I really love her and love the way she makes me feel and just being with her forever feels like a dream. But when we talk and im trying to give my point she always asks “When? How? When did I say that? Can you give me an example” and I fucking cant! I can’t remember anything but I know it in my heart. Ive done too many drugs to where my brain feels like mush sometimes and I can’t remember things but when I try and talk to her about them is because I am sure. I hate when she says “You see you cant even remember” because yes I can but when you ask me like that I wont be able to.

And it gets worse. Ive hit her and she has hit me. Ive hit her more and worse than she has hit me but we forgive eachother and love eachother. I dont know how to let her go. I dont want her to go. She doesn’t want me to go either. We love eachother but we hurt eachother. We know we can be good but we just need to work on ourselves and find a way to get this madness to stop. I dont want to hurt myself anymore but I dont know what else to do. I dont want to do drugs anymore but they make me feel so good when I dont feel well. I want to be with her forever and marry her one day and have a family but I dont know how this will happen when we make eachother so sad sometimes.

Please help me, what should I do? How to I become better? I want to be better, I love her and dont want to lose her.

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yowen2000 t1_j6ph3yo wrote

Check yourself into substance abuse treatment.

If both of you, or even one of you is doing drugs you cannot be in a functional relationship. So get clean.

If you can't afford treatment, meetings are free (NA or AA will work). There's just one basic rule, DO NOT show up (heavily) under the influence of any substance. Other than that they can help you figure it out from there.

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DplusLplusKplusM t1_j6ph8ix wrote

First know that getting so enraged that you lash out physically at someone is by definition an impulse control problem. This isn't normal nor acceptable regardless of (what you might feel is) verbal provocation. It sounds like she's got the same problem. These things don't fix themselves and if you're self medicating with drugs you're only making your mental illness worse. Both of you need some intensive therapy (and possibly medication). Go get some help before you wind up in prison.

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dianaprince76 t1_j6phnjl wrote

Love and compatibility are two different things. You two clearly are not compatible because if you were, you would be more peaceful. If you find tho that you are angry at everyone, maybe you just have anger issues that need to be resolved. But seriously, you two need to to just be apart.

Edit to add, you really need to get help for your drug use. What have you done about that? If you really want to see change in your life, that is a great place to statt

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SheBeeMe t1_j6pi4pw wrote

Find an NA meeting and go ASAP. Get treatment. If you are serious about getting clean, there are resources to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to want to get clean and sober and healthy more than you want your girlfriend. Do this for yourself and for your future. Ask her to get help too. Being apart while you get sober may be a good idea for both of you.

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Therisemfear t1_j6pi6tx wrote

Both of you need to get your shit together before continuing in a relationship.

Love is not the only requirement of a healthy relationship. Love and abuse are not mutually exclusive.

If you have an ounce of care for her and yourself, you need to separate now and work on your respective problems. Get clean and get into therapy.

At the very least, you need to be physically separated from each other so you won't be able to hurt each other. DV is serious and you might end up permanently injuring her or getting into jail.

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