How do I (f29) enforce boundaries with my husband (m25)?

Submitted by Ok_Tumbleweed7912 t3_10pptpo in relationship_advice

How do you enforce boundaries when married?

The title pretty much says it. I realize there are some boundaries that would be enforced by leaving the marriage but I'm talking about smaller things. For example, "you cannot swear at me in an argument". Similarly, if there's an offense, and a commitment to not do/do that thing again, what is the solution when it keeps happening? Again, not talking about divorce worthy issues. And we already attend therapy.

Edit: It's interesting to see the responses criticizing having boundaries. As someone who was abused as a child, aggressive swearing is not something I want to subject myself to. If someone sees that as "manipulating" or "controlling" I hope you're also able to attend therapy someday. Boundaries are important in every relationship.

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_j6ls6qo wrote

Just go BZZZZT!!B every time he repeats the behavior. You'll have to explain, the first time, that this is what will happen when he crosses one of your boundaries.

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Curious-Duck t1_j6lufp5 wrote

Boundaries are VERY important!

To be honest, I am not ever marrying for this reason. If someone is being controlling/abusive/disrespectful then I want the freedom to leave when I want, without paying 7 million dollars to divorce.

And I’m in a VERY HEALTHY relationship of 11 years, but I digress.

There’s no other boundary to set other than “if you continue to swear at me, I will make sure I’m not around to hear it”. If you don’t want to go the whole “leaving them” route, then you can at least DISTANCE yourself when it occurs. I’m sure after a couple of hotel nights your partner will realize he’s headed for divorce if he continues that behaviour.

What is he aggressively swearing over? If my SO is even a bit off base in his response to me I say “try again” and that’s enough to correct and apologize. It doesn’t happen often at all, because he knows that’s the response he will get or I will actually get in my car and leave (maybe 2 times in 11 years this happened).

So yeah, remain consistent and predictable and react in a way that doesn’t condone the behaviour. Removing yourself from the situation would be best, because he already KNOWS you don’t put up with that shit, so if he tries he can’t say he doesn’t know why you’re leaving…

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Ok_Tumbleweed7912 OP t1_j6lujlr wrote

Thank you for the understanding and thoughtful reply.

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Curious-Duck t1_j6luvhc wrote

You’re welcome, make sure he’s aware of your boundary and ALWAYS pull through with the consequence- as a teacher I am telling you this is extremely important.

He swears aggressively- stay overnight at a friends. Doesn’t matter how much he apologizes and begs for you to stay, if you give in then he knows he can continue that behaviour.

Just be calm “I have told you my boundary, you crossed the line- I’m going to be staying away tonight and I’ll be back tomorrow to discuss this”.

It would be tough but I doubt you’d have to do this more than 1-2 times before it’s a very, very real boundary that he won’t cross again.

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Mobile_Prune_3207 t1_j6lrozj wrote

If you attend therapy, ask your therapist for a way that suits your needs/ style as a couple.

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