Should I (36F) apologize to someone I bullied in middle school (37F)?

Submitted by SeaworthySwarth t3_10q0k91 in relationship_advice

All the way back in the 6th grade I met this girl, Sara. I actually really liked Sara the moment we met and we became friends immediately, but there were these other, popular girls in our class who bullied both of us, and the ringleader told me that if I joined in on picking on Sara with them, they'd let me be friends with them instead. So I caved and joined in on bullying Sara instead.

Eventually the other girls stopped messing with Sara but they still egged me on because I guess they thought it was funny, and although I never hurt Sara physically things escalated to the point that her parents sent her to a different school in a neighboring district to separate us.

We still ran into each other sometimes after that and we were always friendly. In college, Sara emailed me and asked to hang out sometime, but at the time she was more successful than me and doing better in life and I felt resentful of that, so I kind of lashed out and said I would like to see her but only if she really wanted to be friends and didn't just want to rub her success in my face. We never spoke again.

In the years since then I've been in and out of therapy dealing with stuff that goes back to my childhood and college years, but when I would think about what I did to Sara I always struggled to think of a way I could apologize to her without mentioning what was going on in my life and making excuses.

Recently another friend of mine (who is younger) got spontaneous apologies from two of her childhood bullies, and I've realized I'm at the point where I could write a good apology for Sara without making it about me.

The thing is, it's been so long since all this happened and since we last spoke, I'm not sure if she would want that apology now or if I would be dredging up bad memories for her. Would you want to receive an apology from a bully after so long? Should I just leave it alone?

TL;Dr - I picked on a girl in school and we haven't spoken in 20 years, but I'm thinking of reaching out to say I'm sorry for how I treated her then. Should I do that, or just leave her alone at this point?

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DeepTh0tt t1_j6n5mr6 wrote

You should reach out and apologize, but don't expect her to accept it. She doesn't owe you forgiveness, but at least you can try.

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SeaworthySwarth OP t1_j6na1e0 wrote

Thanks! I'm really not looking for forgiveness. I've moved past feeling guilt about it through my own efforts. I just want to offer her an apology if it might help her in some way

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spotH3D t1_j6nov1t wrote

If you do anything assume you will get no response and understand you are owed absolutely nothing from her.

The second you reach out a 2nd time you are harassing her, which by the way you on the edge of doing just contacting her at all.

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SeaworthySwarth OP t1_j6p5rid wrote

Thank you. I wouldn't expect or even necessarily want a response. I'm still undecided on reaching out and on top of that she doesn't seem active on social media so even if I did message her she might never see it.

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_j6nae6c wrote

I would not want that apology. Leave her alone. You would just be an annoying insect in the serenity of whatever adult life she has attained.

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I_say_upliftingstuff t1_j6nkqzd wrote

Assuming you were bullied, would a letter something a lot the lines of this be SO bad?

“This isn’t about me, but I was unkind to you back in (x) and I want so badly to apologize to you for my cruelty. It was never an issue with you, but it was born my own shortcomings. You don’t need to respond to this message and I’d understand if you don’t forgive me. I sincerely wish you well.”

Would that really upset you? Is that really a statement from “an annoying insect”?

Seems kind of shallow

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_j6odbjq wrote

I guess there's nothing I can say in reply to your post, that doesn't make me look kind of shallow. Ironically, I feel a little bullied here.

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I_say_upliftingstuff t1_j6oikni wrote

I’m genuinely sorry that you feel bullied. Not my intent at all.

Just challenging the narrative that someone who feels genuine remorse for their pst actions would be reduced to “an annoying insect”

That’s all.

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