Should my bf still be allowed to wingman? M28 F27 (relationship of two years with a baby together)

Submitted by secondaccount22223 t3_10pyhd5 in relationship_advice

TL

Friday night I caught my boyfriend lying to me. I want to make this short and to the point as I believe I have the facts straight now because he was honest after getting caught. Friday my boyfriend and his newly single best friend (his bestfriends fiancé just called off engagement because of his infidelity) told me they were going out to the bar to shoot pool. No problem at all as my boyfriend is a great dad and spends everyday with us I knew he needed a break. I woke up around 1 am to realize he still wasn’t home, I gave him a call and he said he was still at the bar however when he answered it was pin drop quiet (not like bar setting) and I heard a girls voice in background and a dog barking. I FaceTimed him and quickly saw he was in an apartment complex and told him to come home immediately as idk why he was lying. He proceeded to show me he was with his buddy on the ft and another girl and said he was coming home now. Fast forward and we talked things through and he told me he lied because his buddy was talking with that girl and they went back to her unit so she could walk her dog and he lied because he didn’t want me to worry as he knows I can be very insecure and not always trust guys(this is true). His buddy called when he got home (on his phone) and told me he was sorry and that he was dragging around my bf to stop there and not be mad but as soon as we got off phone I realized my bf had deleted all of their messages to each other. I thought this was suspicious and he also came clean and said him and his buddy were texting earlier and had intended to meet with a group of girls and my boyfriend was going to just wingman for him and my bf was saying “that they better be hot” so that’s why he deleted his messages. My boyfriend has never been caught lying to me before and so this has all been shocking and I’m trying to figure out how to appropriately handle my emotions about this as we have a daughter together and I don’t want to distrust him or think he would cheat on me. Moving forward he said he doesn’t think it’s wrong to be a wingman however because of this friends own infidelities that ended his engagement I worry this friend could be a bad influence and I don’t know that I feel comfortable with them going out late as we are all almost 30 years old why does a grown man need a wing man? I feel like being a wing man is a good excuse to just talk to other girls when you go out. If you read this long I appreciate it, what would your thoughts be on this situation?

140

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

miasmum01 t1_j6mrqy8 wrote

Sounds dodgy to me .. why did your bf have to go back to the girls place? If his mate is 30odd .. surely he can chat up a women by himself

374

secondaccount22223 OP t1_j6nbfcn wrote

They were coming back to our home after and went to let her dog out

17

sairha1 t1_j6nkze2 wrote

Your man should have parted ways and came home at this point though. That is really immature on his part.

145

hereforcatsandlaughs t1_j6o0368 wrote

They being…your bf and his friend? And the girl? If your bf is being a wingman, letting his friend go back to the girls place ALONE is the best thing a wingman could do? Something definitely doesn’t add up here.

121

Kyuthu t1_j6o98n9 wrote

Yeah this very much. Like what... 0 reason to go to a single girl's house your friend who is trying to score with her. Leave the friend to go alone man. Who's walking there dog at 1am anyway. An excuse for the friend to hang out with her longer and them to keep the night going.

Also OP if you read this... Exactly what he is doing, this is what causes you to mistrust in the first place... Someone lying and breaking your trust. He's has now likely caused you to doubt him, check in more and just more hassle. If you want an easy life, this is not the way to do it. He needs a big talk to understand why he's causing himself more, not less problems and just not respecting you by lying.

It's up to you to decide if you're happy with his actions, not him to hide it so you never get to decide. If you over react or in a way he thinks is excessive for the situation, it's up to him to talk to you about it. Lying does nothing but cause small betrayals constantly that break down the relationship more than he realises. It's not worth it.

If you can't see eye to eye on these situations, you aren't compatible and lying won't change that.

That being said, he did answer the phone and face time, so tbh... besides just saying he was somewhere else, he did not really try to hide it. I really think anyone cheating would be trying hard to hide evidence because they know they are doing something wrong. He sounds like he didn't care enough to, because he probably didn't think it was actually wrong, but lied to get himself out of possible trouble... and on doing so caused trouble.

Big big trust conversation should be incoming here. But I actually think that's probably the brunt of it, unless there was other girls there. And if there's going to be hanging out with regular girls on nights like this, and going to their place etc, you should be invited.

13

Own-Writing-3687 t1_j6o2y4b wrote

He says you're insecure- so his solution is to lie and therefore prove to you that you should be insecure?

Plus I don't buy his BS he was a wingman where the plan is to meet up with women.

Did he buy anyone a drink?. Did he sit next to the same woman? Did he dance with that woman? Did he know the woman in advance? Are they connected by social media or texts?

Inform him his lie destroyed your trust. Now he has no right to say "trust me". He's now made himself a liar.

This is a big deal. People divorce for lost trust as often as adultery.

Only he can rebuild trust. What's his plan? He can't say "trust me". At a minimum, to save his marriage he should volunteer : no more going out to a bar with the single friend, and 100% access to his phone and social media accounts.

47

silly-tomato-taken t1_j6p9d5a wrote

>If his mate is 30odd .. surely he can chat up a women by himself

34 here, nope, not at all. Don't make assumptions.

−6

Limp-Outcome3164 t1_j6nlb7k wrote

You do know why your insecure right? It's because you have a bf who lies to you.

Edited to correct spelling.

235

Tower-Junkie t1_j6oa5sy wrote

It will never cease to amaze me when people think “they’re insecure and have trust issues. I know! I’ll just lie and hide more stuff. That’ll make them trust me more!”

Given the details, I think he’s full of shit and just manipulating the OP. But it’s something people do a lot. If someone has no qualms lying either by omission or straight to your face about something small, they’ll absolutely keep big things from you.

72

triaxisman t1_j6mrs46 wrote

It’s not wrong to “wingman” if he makes it clear he’s taken, and he’s honest about doing it. Hard to trust him now since he lied. And his excuse doesn’t even make sense, he lied to you so you wouldn’t worry? Lying just increases worry and distrust, it doesn’t solve anything. If he really wasn’t doing anything wrong there shouldn’t be a need to lie about it.

138

Baddecisionsbkclb t1_j6nlqd6 wrote

Agree. It sounds like OP's bf wants to chat up hot women and relive his single days, using wingman status as an excuse for the ego boost. He may have zero intentions of cheating but putting himself in those kinds of situations is using questionable judgment. (I would argue lots of people don't intend to cheat but their bad choices make it easier.) And lying about it, deleting texts? He better grovel like hell and put in the work in required to regain lost trust. OP, I'd be super hurt and I think you're honestly being super chill (maybe too chill.) What if the situations were reversed and you planned to hang out with a bunch of hot guys? Bet he wouldn't be ok with it

48

CoachJW t1_j6oi62n wrote

It’s fishy to wingman for someone with a very recent history of infidelity. Were I in OP’s shoes, I’d be very concerned over what went down that night and would need much better defined boundaries going forward we’re I to trust him.

There is no excuse for the lying nor even really for going to the girls house or for deleting the texts. He couldn’t be more suspicious.

23

Captcha_Imagination t1_j6n0y6f wrote

I'm a man. It's not the fact that he is acting as a wingman. It's who is acting as a wingman for (infidelity).

If it were some friend who was super lonely who really needed help meeting someone, it would be an act of kindness.

But his buddy sounds like he doesn't need a wingman at all, and he could get in him in situations where he makes a life-changing mistake after too many drinks. Like if she had a friend that needed to be entertained.

If his friend wrecked his own relationship, how careful do you think he will be with someone else's?

100

WRose287 t1_j6ov03l wrote

Exactly this.

Also OP, he actively chose to lie and chose his friend getting laid over your feelings and comfort.

20

cheezboorgir t1_j6nm3af wrote

Okay sorry but if he was really trying to wingman your friend, why would he join them to go back to her house? Surely at that point he'd let the friend go home with her to let the dog out and return to you, otherwise he's sorta cockblocking him? Could be looking at this all wrong but maybe he was gunning for a threesome?

Also, why should the women "better be hot" for him to wingman his friend? Why does it matter to him whether the women are hot if he's not trying to get with any of them?

Idk, I'm a woman so I'm not gonna pretend like I know how guys speak to each other privately but the whole thing seems sketch af.

91

Shelly_895 t1_j6o00z0 wrote

Guys, help me out here since I never was a wingman or had a wingman, but doesn't that usually end at the bar and not in another person's apartment? Wouldn't your job be done as soon as your buddy and the girl leave the bar together?

75

WRose287 t1_j6ovavy wrote

I wingwomaned some friends and have NEVER in my life passed the bar stage. When they leave, they go alone because I do not want to see them have sex or even interact with them.

It's inappropriate imo and it seems like they want a 3some.

27

fubar_68 t1_j6n07pj wrote

birds of a feather flock together. If he’s hanging out with a cheater he’s cheating too.

69

noelle588 t1_j6nrjru wrote

Nothing about your bf’s story rings true. He lied over and over again, idk that I would be able to trust him after this.

66

grissy t1_j6p2x1t wrote

My thoughts are:

  1. He's still lying to you.

  2. This entire story is shady and unrealistic as hell.

  3. He's not just "being a wingman," he and his buddy are picking up women together. There is zero reason for the wingman to actually go to the friend's girl's place, he would just be in the way. That story is absolutely another lie.

  4. You can tell a lot about a person's values by who they choose to spend their time around, and in this case your shady lying boyfriend is choosing to spend his time with a guy who cheated on his fiancee.

40

Wonderful_Site_1056 t1_j6p6wzt wrote

He called you insecure after he.... lied to you, deleted messages, and made plans with his single bf and other women without telling you... You know how backwards that is, right?

35

pokegirl3714 t1_j6p9m6w wrote

You make a good point here. He hurried up to point to her insecurities and make her question her own sanity.

12

versacek9 t1_j6nq7w0 wrote

He’s friends with a guy who cheated on his fiancé.

Good people don’t stay friends with people who cheat.

31

AllForMeCats t1_j6oz87i wrote

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I had a friend who cheated (we’re no longer friends for unrelated reasons) and staying friends with her didn’t make me think cheating was ok. I definitely didn’t go to her for any relationship advice though 😂

4

versacek9 t1_j6p41k6 wrote

It’s kind of like, would be friends with someone you knew was racist?

It doesn’t make you racist, but racism isn’t a deal breaker for you /:

5

Aggravating-Plum8147 t1_j6o25z4 wrote

I would be worried. I wouldn’t trust what his friend said, as he’s a proven cheater and liar himself. Also the fact your bf hanging out with someone with no morals would be a red flag. You are who your friends are most of the time.

23

SJoyD t1_j6odxc5 wrote

"I lied to you because i knew you'd be mad, but now I'm gonna try to convince you that what I did should have been okay anyway so that I can deflect from the fact that you caught me lying".

He's out with his friend who got dumped for cheating and he lied to you. That's a lot to process. And he wants you to believe you have the "whole truth" now. Ha.

16

Significant_End6011 t1_j6oc920 wrote

He already proved himself to be a liar

He broke your trust and deleted the texts (this tells me this isn't the first time he has done this)

He is going out with this friend and meeting hot girls as he requests them to be

He is staying out late at night in unfamiliar locations

He is friends with a known cheater

He is leaving you and your baby at home while he is doing all this.

I would say suggest going out with the friend and your bf and help wingman (females can help too).

I am not buying the wingman story. Either the friend is a bad influence or they are covering for one another. I wonder if the friends ex knows more or has seen anything from your guy.

15

ZeroTicktacktoe t1_j6owi58 wrote

I lied to you because you don't trust me....

That is funny.

14

motodamax t1_j6o732t wrote

Doubt a man confident in showing he’s taken would be the least bit worried about attractive women he’d be around, let alone lying about his whereabouts.

Nothing wrong with being a wingman, but when you lie and instill doubts in your partner you become questionable yourself.

People who cheat don’t need wingmen, that friend clearly showed that. Your insecurity is boiling because you have lying partner who seems to be trickle truthing.

13

filifijonka t1_j6nhq00 wrote

Listen, I think that this essentially boils down to if you trust your partner or not.

He is 28 - nobody gets led into bad behaviour that they morally wouldn’t engage in by a friend a 28.
At twelve? Yes. As an adult though? no.

From what you described, to me his behaviour checks out.

If I were you the one thing I would ask him to do would be not to lie, conceal or modify his behaviour to placate you.

If what he does is likely to worry you, then he can explain himself and reassure you.

You can build trust - what he did is the one thing that is sure to destroy it.

11

Eastern_Effective_87 t1_j6ogqvt wrote

Your bf cheated. He went on a double date with his friend. You deserve better. I would get in Touch with the friends ex and find out how often your bf was with this friend when he was out cheating. There's more to the story here.

10

taketheredleaf t1_j6p574v wrote

So we’ve established:

  • He’s perfectly fine with lying to you
  • he’s friends with dishonest cheaters
  • he wasn’t just wing manning, THEY were going to meet girl*s (plural)
  • he went back to her place… makes me wonder who was wing manning who

Your bf is cheating on you, or he’s enabling others to do so, at the very minimum his actions are extremely inappropriate and 100% of questionable moral character. If you think that doesn’t matter, I mean that’s the difference between people who cheat and people who don’t

10

biteme717 t1_j6otcc8 wrote

Just reading this, I don't trust your BF. I also don't believe him, and I personally would tell him that HE needs to move out.

8

WRose287 t1_j6ovtps wrote

This would be unacceptable imo.

He chose his friend getting laid over you, your feelings and your comfort. He chose to lie FOR HOURS and maybe more (because they agreed to meet a group of "hot girls").

Also, his friend doesn't seem to have problems getting laid since that is what caused the end of his relationship.

For all you know his friend could be lying too, he is a known liar and cheater. And your bf sees nothing wrong with it and followed his lead in lying, who's to say he didn't do the same with cheating? Why would you believe his friend or him?

8

treacle1810 t1_j6p9ds8 wrote

he deleted texts i’m guessing your boyfriend is still lying to you unfortunately. when his friend comes round ask to borrow his phone and check the chats between them!

7

Destroyer2118 t1_j6paaru wrote

>his bestfriends fiancé just called off engagement because of his infidelity

And your BF is still best friends with this person? And is putting himself in these situations?

Sounds like the best friend’s fiancée discovered something you’re about to find out the hard way.

Nothing wrong with being a wingman. There is something wrong with being wingman to your best friend who just broke off an engagement due to him cheating, lying about where he is, ending up at some random girls apartment with a best friend that you know condones cheating, and flipping it around on you that his lying is ok because you’re insecure.

You really don’t need to read the tea leaves here. He is best friends with this person for a reason, he thinks his actions and lying are ok for a reason. You know the reason.

7

HiFructose_PornSyrup t1_j6obptb wrote

Ummm if my best friend cheated on their fiancé they wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. Fuck liars and fuck cheaters. If their own fiancé can’t trust them then no one else can either.

The fact that your boyfriend apparently has no problem with his best friends infidelity is concerning to put it lightly. Birds of a feather flock together.

Also if he is willing to lie to you about small things he is 100% capable of lying to you about big things. If he wasn’t doing anything wrong, why did he lie? Why did he delete all his texts? He’s so full of shit dude. Innocent people don’t lie and delete texts. Don’t listen to anything his best friend says either bc he was capable of lying to his fiancés face no problem.

Honestly I would be surprised if your boyfriend hasn’t already cheated. He’s already admitted to lying to you about his location, deleting texts and talking about wanting to hang out with hot women (wtf? If you’re not trying to cheat why do you care what they look like?). And that’s just the shit you know about. And you only know about it bc he got caught. He admitted the hot woman talk thing bc he thinks if he admits to something a little bad you’ll stop looking and won’t find out the really bad thing he did. This is a common tactic with cheaters.

And for what it’s worth, if my boyfriend went bar hopping with his best friend and ended up at a girls house at 2am I wouldn’t think much of it because we like to party and stay up late and sometimes end up in weird locations. We’re 27 and 29 btw. We would never hide this from each other though or be weird about it bc we aren’t shady and have nothing to hide. 🤷🏻‍♀️ We have a large mixed gender group of friends and I’ve hung out alone drinking with male friends at 2am and it’s not weird in my circle. However if anyone in my group cheated on their fiancé they would immediately be shunned and ousted by everyone bc that behavior is not acceptable. None of the taken men or women in my friend group would ever talk about wanting to hang out with hot members of the opposite sex bc that’s gross and shady. Not sure how relevant all this is bc I know every social circle is different but I just wanted to give my 2 cents on all aspects of your post.

6

NoNipNicCage t1_j6ot8tp wrote

When I'm a wingman for my friend, I just talk him up to women. There's no reason to go back to her house

6

DisenchantedMandrake t1_j6p6vfr wrote

His best mate is a cheating pos- red flag number 1

He lied to you about his location when there was absolutely no reason to. =red flag number 2

Blameshifting - red flag number 3

He deleted messages with his best mate - red flag number 4

Trickle truthing about their conversation- red flag number 5

Still seeing nothing wrong with being wingman to a cheating pos- red flag number 6

As you stated, he's never been CAUGHT lying, does not mean he hasn't been lying. I honestly think they went out to hook up and your fella has likely been cheating on you as well, birds of a feather and all that. There are far too many red flags and excuses in your post that scream trickle truth. Go through his phone and socials. I bet you find an army of red flags there, check all his contacts.

5

thelastanonymouse t1_j6pcicr wrote

Being a wingman is one thing. But your boyfriend's actions seem to go beyond talking up his buddy. This is likely poor judgment. At the very least, your boyfriend is putting himself in situations where he is likely to cheat.

3

aeiou-y t1_j6pglvd wrote

Your bf screwed up by deleting those messages. If you trust him it’s okay to let him wingman for his friends. It doesn’t have to be untoward, it is just a way to support a friend. Even if other woman are involved, he doesn’t have to do anything wrong to help out. As long as you are okay with him carrying on normal conversations.

That being said, the deleted messages are a bad look (even though he is probably telling the truth about what they said), it was a boneheaded move.

2

AutoModerator t1_j6mr541 wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

WRose287 t1_j6ovxc7 wrote

UpdateMe! Please

1

Serious-Ad-9936 t1_j6oy11x wrote

Next on how I met your mother Barney persuades Ted to be his wingman leaving Robin at home…

1

pokegirl3714 t1_j6p8y5f wrote

Why don’t you ask him to go talk with his phone company so they can recover the deleted messages? That way you can read them

0