(F34) finally together with my situationship (M33) but I'm feeling like third place!

Submitted by ThrowRA_Triceratop t3_10qd6dh in relationship_advice

TLDR: He asked two others if they wanted to be his girlfriend hours before me.

I (F34) left a 10-year relationship a year ago. At the same time, I became incredibly close with a friend (M33) I have known for the last 6 years and he quickly became my best friend. It then became a situationship with close physical contact. Two times I asked if we should take the talk about dating and twice he rejected me, on the grounds that he doesn't see me romantically. Still the physical escalated (him every time) and slowly it became a struggle for us not to have sex. We lost the battle this year after 6 months.

He has a lot of bad experiences with dating and I could feel how he fought against a relationship with me. In the last two months he has been trying (several times) to start a serious conversation about us and then changed the subject midway. I gave him space, reassured him and just waited. He finally wanted the talk and now he is all in.

My only problem is that I feel like a third place. Before he asked me if we should date, he asked two other female friends. Both rejected him. He told me this before asking me, because we have an open communication. Today he said that I'm not normally his type (physical) but he knows I'm trying to lose weight, and he likes my personality. We agree on values, the future and we really know each other, good and bad stuff.

I don't expect him to say he loves me from day one, but I want him to choose me for who I am. I'm aware of his insecurities about being rejected, which means he might be holding back on showing me how much he cares. But how do I avoid feeling like a placeholder and a safe choice? His actions are triggering an insecurity I normally don't have and I'm afraid that he will leave me as soon as a younger and prettier girl wants him.

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Traeyze t1_j6pc66i wrote

>He told me this before asking me, because we have an open communication.

Was he open about the fact he was pursuing other women?

Why was it only now, after all this time, that he was actually open about his feelings about you and what he considers the prospect of the dynamic?

Like honestly, I don't think you were open on what was a really huge topic. And he exploited that, he would initiate contact despite being aware he didn't really want more. You assumed it was relationship trauma, but it comes across more as opportunism to me.

Which is gross. You deserve more than that. Sure, if his trauma is making him hold back then that's something worthy of compassion but really it only cements he probably isn't capable of being the kind of partner you need him to be. Honestly, I think he failed as a friend as well.

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ThrowRA_Triceratop OP t1_j6pcuic wrote

Yes he was open about it and a while back i tried dating others as well. I will think about what you are saying because it's a good point

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