Submitted by L0V3LY-SAVV t3_10q14l9 in relationship_advice

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. For some time I've struggled with lashing out at him over the smallest things that do not matter whatsoever and just being irritable with him in general. This is my first real serious relationship, and his as well. I love him very much and I want to be better, he doesn't deserve any of the mean comments, outbursts,etc. I lash out at him and I do not know why. Does anybody have any advice on how to better myself and how to be kinder to him? Or even why I would be lashing out without knowing why?

TLDR - I'm mean to my boyfriend and I don't know why, I want to be a better person for him.



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_DemonSemen_ t1_j6n6jtm wrote

You need to talk to a specialized therapist and unpack your anger issues. Right now your boyfriend is in an abusive and toxic relationship. y'all are both young and this could ruin his and your mental health. it seems like you're wondering why you lash out at him and strangers on reddit wont be able to tell you why. Anger issues stem from somewhere, talk to a therapist so you can figure out what happened to you and after you do that, then you will have to spend years unpacking those issues. then once you become a kinder person thats when y'all should consider dating. but as for now get therapy.


trishsf t1_j6n6ngg wrote

I think we all have stuff and the sooner we address it, the better life is on every level. I would ask a therapist these questions. Maybe it’s what you witnessed growing up or it’s a defense mechanism. A therapist would help you figure out why and help you to change your behavior.


Missfantasynerd t1_j6n6sdq wrote

I get incredibly annoyed about everything all the time. I’ve found if I vocalize why I am truly upset in a situation so we can talk about it, it helps. Like “I’m getting really frustrated that you’re talking to me about this when it’s your turn to do the laundry and you haven’t done it yet.” Instead of “I don’t give a shit about Star Wars”. I try to get to the root of why something he’s doing is bothering me and it’s very rarely the thing itself (except when he walks around the house loudly singing the one line of a song he knows over and over. That’s objectively annoying). I also practice some deep breathing and physically removing myself from his presence if I think I’m about to wig out. Not storming away but saying “I’m not mad I’m just going to take a minute to collect my thoughts”.


L0V3LY-SAVV OP t1_j6n8pvn wrote

Thank you so much for this, I'm honestly so quick to get upset and have a bit of a hard time vocalizing what's bothering me, I think just taking a deep breath and giving myself some time to think/collect my thoughts before anything else would help a ton, I will be keeping your comment in mind the next time I feel myself getting irritated ❤️ thank you again


michuru809 t1_j6nfe5g wrote

You really need to get to the bottom of the "why", and while you're young and still have the rest of your life ahead of you this would be a great thing for you to learn to control. Therapy to learn these tools is great, but here's an idea to maybe give you direction. If you don't know where you're going you won't know when you get there.

My mother has a borderline personality disorder, which among other things includes what I've heard referred to as "adult temper tantrums". She'd have one of these temper tantrums when she was angry, when she didn't get her way, or when she hurt herself. Like if she'd stub her toe (mild ouchie) she would get VERY angry, scary angry- she'd shout every swear word she could think of, stomp her feet, possibly break things or hurt me out of sheer anger.

I grew up and was in my mid 20's before I realized that was not normal, or ideal to emulate. My reactions were much milder and really only related to pain- like a 5/10 whereas my mom was a 10/10- but a few people including a colleague gently mentioned that it seemed like an overreaction, and the danger was that in a chemical environment (chemical plant) it could be perceived as a larger emergency. It also wasn't attractive. Ooh, that hit me, and I started to think about why I was like that and my mother came to mind. So I started keeping an eye out for a better reaction to emulate, and settled on The Family Guy method of dealing with an ouchie: the long, slow, drawn out series of "owwwwwww" and "ooooooooh".

If you can imagine how hard it is to control yourself in general- imagine dealing with pain stimulus, and having to learn how to control your outward reaction... it was a very conscious effort of change, and it wasn't easy- but I am proud of my improved reaction which is much more reasonable. You may have a mental illness that somewhat prevents you from being in control (borderline personality disorder?), or you don't know the tools to control your outward reaction.

You'll need to:

  • Be aware of your emotions at all times. Do frequent "check ins" on how you feel.
  • Your mouth may be reacting quicker then your brain- give yourself time. Focus on breathing, give yourself at least one good breath in/out before you react to be sure you're landing on the appropriate reaction.
  • Imagine a wheel like in Jeopardy, but with emotions- instead of you taking the time to become aware of how you truly feel, are you relying on "spinning the wheel" and exhibiting whichever emotion comes up?
  • Once you become aware of your actual feelings and can pause your irrational anger to "check in"- then it's time to familiarize yourself with how to bring your feelings up to a higher/more desirable level. Check out the Emotional Guidance Scale by Abraham Hicks, it's a 1-22 scale where #1 is Joy/Appreciation / Love, and #22 is Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair. If you're feeling angry (#17) you can't get to #1 by snapping your fingers- you can however nudge yourself gradually up the scale to #11 overwhelmed, then up to #7 contentment (for example).

If you can't control yourself- no one else stands a chance of doing it either. I hope these tips help!


biopticstream t1_j6nhnca wrote

Listen, sometimes we lash out at the people we love the most without even realizing it. Maybe you're feeling stressed, or there's something going on in your life that you're not even aware of that's causing you to take it out on your boy. You gotta figure out what's causing the irritability and find a way to deal with it.

Here's what you do, you sit down and have a real talk with yourself. Ask yourself what's been bothering you lately, and try to figure out what's causing you to lash out. Once you figure that out, you can start working on ways to deal with it. Maybe it's therapy, maybe it's finding a hobby, maybe it's just taking a break from each other for a little bit. Whatever it is, you gotta do something about it.

And remember, you love this guy, and he loves you. He's there for you, and he wants to help you. So, be honest with him, tell him what's going on, and see if he can help you figure out what's going on. He's your man, and he's got your back.

And don't forget to say sorry to the guy. You owe him that much. He deserves an apology for the way you've been treating him. He loves you, and he's sticking with you through all this sh*t, so the least you can do is say sorry and start being a better person for him.

TLDR: Chill out, figure out what's causing the irritability, have a real talk with yourself, be honest with your man, apologize to him, and start being a better person for him.


bumblebeequeer t1_j6o2cf1 wrote

If you’re having trouble emotionally regulating to the point you are being abusive to your partner (and yes, what you have described is emotional/verbal abuse) then perhaps you aren’t mature enough for a relationship.

Do the right thing and break up. Work on yourself while being single. He should not be a casualty of your personal growth.


zbornakingthestone t1_j6oa0lo wrote

You're abusive. If you care about him at all, you'll end it and walk away. But you won't. I can already tell that about you.


IncomeFundManager t1_j6omubr wrote

You probably need professional help

Just understand that there is no chance on earth that this relation will last longterm so now is a good time to start working on these anger issues


ghosts-on-the-ohio t1_j6onbqa wrote

I would suggest seeking help from a professional therapist if you can find one and if you can afford it. They can teach you how to manage your impulses and how to communicate in a healthy way. I also would ask yourself: what do you get out of lashing out at him. If you weren't getting some kind of reward from it, you wouldn't be doing it. Then ask yourself is the reward greater than the harm you are doing both to him and your relationship?


Bernard245 t1_j6onjbr wrote

As a wise human adventurer once sang

"Empathy, empathy, put yourself- in the place of me."

The golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."


Chaoticgood790 t1_j6oqbxi wrote

Right now you’re abusive. And if you loved your bf you would let him leave this toxic dynamic. You need serious help and you need to do that by yourself


Azilehteb t1_j6owspa wrote

> Does anybody have any advice on how to better myself and how to be kinder to him?

On this, you can take note of things he enjoys and spend some effort learning about them and/or doing them together…


> Or even why I would be lashing out without knowing why?

You MUST figure this out as your number one priority. Nobody is going to be happy in a relationship with someone who abuses them, no matter what nice things they do when they’re not being abusive.


_Spicy_Lemon_ t1_j6ox91w wrote

Is your boyfriend the first person you realized you have been lashing out on or have there been other people? Do you lash out on friends? Family? Coworkers? Teachers/professors?

What do you mean by "lashing out"? Can you give examples please? When you lashing out, do you acknowledge it with them or do they have to bring it up? What do you do to apologize and own up? Have you tried anything to control your emotions and actions?


JakTheGripper t1_j6p22bk wrote

Tell him you'll give him $20 every time you lash out at him, and hold to your end of the deal. In fact, hand him $100 cash up front, and tell him to give back whatever remains at the end of the month. You'll stop or go broke.

Edit: See, right now there's not enough incentive for you to change in a hurry because he hasn't walked out on you. You can take your time working on changing because you're safe, and he's tolerant. You gotta make it hurt, gotta make it really uncomfortable for you to be mean to him. Put up some money.


zbornakingthestone t1_j6pgss9 wrote

She isn't. She's coming here because she wants to hide her abuse better. If she wanted to stop being abusive, she would walk away, but she won't because she doesn't. She shouldn't be enabled to remain because she's a woman. She's an abuser.


Miserable_Bug_5671 t1_j6ph4pf wrote

I can highly recommend Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Very good on how to express needs in a gentle way.


ringringbananarchy00 t1_j6phlpo wrote

It’s great you’re figuring this out at such a young age. I had some issues like this as well, and for me it all stemmed from anxiety. Therapy helped me out a lot, as well as SSRIs. Good luck!