(43m)(34f)

Submitted by ThrowraImportant_ t3_10pz7aq in relationship_advice

My partner and I separated in Oct. We have two children and we still talk to manage parenting and things related to our kids. As time has passed we have started talking more on phone and we are spending more time together. She is the one who decided to separate and I have wanted to work things out from the start. I have been working on things in therapy and trying to address the problems we have. I have been watching videos related to breakups and separations from all kinds of coaches. The confusion is really coming from the idea that all of her behavior seems to point towards someone who is not done but her actions don’t match her words. We spent holidays and birthdays together,we have dinner together once a week. If I ask her to stay over she leaves if I ask her to leave she stays. If I ask to hold her hand she refuses but the next day will extend her hand to me. If I discuss how we are to get back together she shuts the convo down,but she refuses to say that it’s over and gets angry if ask her for closure. When I expressed to her that things like weekly dinner plans felt like small steps towards reconciliation she said it doesn’t mean that for her. When I said we should stop meeting up like that if it’s not what it means then she follows up next week asking if we are getting together for dinner. Any time we spend together she says is for our kids to see their parents getting along. I agree this is important but if it’s not going to work out with us why should our kids get used to sitting at a dinner table together? Of course I want to show our kids a United front. It just feels like every action points towards working it out but she verbally she won’t admit it. Would someone who is that unsure about getting back together still maintain so much contact? I know if it was over for me I would not be talking or spending as much time together. I would move on and try to maintain a positive relationship for our kids.Is it true in most cases that when your done,your done? Or does this grey area mean we still have a chance ?

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ProfessionalPudding4 t1_j6mvlx0 wrote

I wouldn’t hold my breath about it OP. Seems like she is just stringing you along. Set clear cut boundaries w her or you are going to end up hurting yourself holding on to hope. If she can’t be straightforward then you decide for yourself

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ThrowraImportant_ OP t1_j6mw80x wrote

I agree but my question would be is she stringing me along with intention to work it out in future or stringing me along to eventually call it quits? Even with her mixed signals I have decided that she is not done.

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ProfessionalPudding4 t1_j6mwq0z wrote

Nobody knows her intentions but her. At this point everyone is an adult and should know how to communicate what they want. Are you leaving the decision to be together or be apart solely up to her? If so, why? What she is doing is manipulative and emotionally abusive

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ThrowraImportant_ OP t1_j6mzeyy wrote

I agree it’s unhealthy to be hot and cold. It’s toxic to maintain this type of contact without clear intention to what she wants in future. I also have said that I have feelings and boundaries same as her. It’s not solely up to her but the ball is def in her court as she knows I want to work it out. It just feels like she wants to work it out,spend time together ,start to open up but then pull back and enforce the idea that she is unsure and focused on herself

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AllInkalicious t1_j6nbayj wrote

You agree it's unhealthy so must agree it's also unfair, yet you still give her the ability to control it all. Where is your agency? And do you really think this dance isn't somehow affecting your children?

Take a firm stand. You make the choice. It doesn't need to be the end of anything other than this back and forth on her terms. It needn't be unkind or brutal, but come from a place of love and friendship.

I know you want to reconcile, but that takes two and a lot of work, and right now you have a co-parent who decides daily whether they're in a dating mood or not.

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IllVast4743 t1_j6nxwnt wrote

Man brother she has you on lock. Try and find your backbone and take back some control. She is never going to really be back with you , if you are a weakling. You are playing the pick me dance, kissing her butt. Stop that! It never works, it only serves to reinforce her opinion that you are spineless and will be waiting around to take her when she is done torturing you. Find your spine again and move on already.

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ThrowraImportant_ OP t1_j6o3qno wrote

Yikes! It’s tough because your right. I have tried to take some power back in this dynamic. I’ve told her that I also don’t know if it’s going to work out with her. That unless she works on certain behaviors I don’t want to get back with that person. But overall I still have been there for her and it could be seen as kissing her butt. When ever I put distance between us in any way she responds by chasing me,and I let her back in.

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