I(19M) am kind of traumatized by the fact that my girlfriend(18F) liked being touched on the face by her crush before me.

Submitted by Personal_Change_7949 t3_10q88t6 in relationship_advice

I(19M) am kind of traumatized by the fact that my girlfriend(18F) liked being touched on the face by her crush when she was single.

Last week, I came across her chat with her female best friend from March last year in which she said that her crush held her whole face in his hands and she liked it. For context, me, she and her crush were in the same school at this time. We were not in a relationship at that time and were both single. This crush of her, however, had a girlfriend.

We have been in a pretty much healthy relationship for 6 months but I am being unable to trust her ever since i found this out. I confronted her about this and she said that he touched her face for applying glitter on her face as they were playfully doing it with other friends too. I know she is not lying because I remember her sitting and playing with a group of friends that day while I was busy elsewhere.

I totally understand that it is completely normal for her to have crushes while she was single and feeling good about him touching her playfully(not romantically) on the face but I just cannot stop thinking about it. I really dont want it to but thinking about this incident is making me question her loyalty towards me.

I completely understand that this comes across as ridiculous but even I know that. I just need help tackling how I feel about it.

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gcot802 t1_j6ofah4 wrote

Im sorry, but this is ridiculous. I am not trying to be mean to you, but if this is how you think then you are too immature to be in a relationship.

She liked someone before you, and obviously liked getting attention from him. How exactly has she broken your trust?

This is not “traumatizing.” It’s deep seated immaturity and insecurity.

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razzledazzle626 t1_j6of1wy wrote

This is honestly absurd. You need to focus on how outlandish and absurd you’re being and remind yourself that this is not something to care about.

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trishsf t1_j6offww wrote

This. And possibly seek help around your trust issues. Traumatized? That’s a big word that you are using when nothing happened and it was before you.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6og8sp wrote

Yes. I understand that it is absurd. I feel pretty bad about myself for giving this small incident all this attention in the first place. But that is why i posted this. I need advice on how I should normally be thinking about this. Maybe examples can help.

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treehead726 t1_j6of9gz wrote

Stop the immature snooping of your girlfriend's private conversations & grow the fuck up. Hope that helps!

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dcm510 t1_j6ofm6h wrote

You’re “traumatized” that your girlfriend enjoyed someone touching her before you two even started dating?

This is pretty absurd. There’s some amount of unhinged jealousy / insecurity going on here.

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wickednymphet t1_j6og6je wrote

"Traumatized", are you serious? No, you're jealous over absolutely nothing. You can't trust her over something that happened before you were dating? You don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship from the get go.

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KitPipin t1_j6oits4 wrote

If that's the same girlfriend as the one from his previous post, then I'd suggest running away from him as fast as possible.

He's already way too needy, way too exhausting and expects her to bend to his whims and insecurities.

However, if asked, he'd deny it as fiercely as one can.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6ogngy wrote

No. I did not say that I am not trusting her from now on. She is still my girlfriend and I absolutely trust her. What I am saying is that this incident, even though i dont want it to, is making me question her loyalty towards me. I DONT want to think like this cos i know i can do better

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wickednymphet t1_j6ohjtz wrote

Her getting her face touched by a crush from before you dated, has NOTHING to do with you in any way, shape, or form. She was single, she owed no one any "loyalty" whatsoever. You're taking a miniscule event and making it about you rather than some fleeting thing she experienced. Frankly, it was none of your business that it even happened. You need to let her know how much this event has effected you and talk it out with her. You seem to be dealing with some jealousy.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6oi7gn wrote

Sike. Now i realise how patient she is being with me. I talked to her about it and she clarified everything patiently. I do not understand why on earth i am being jealous.

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wickednymphet t1_j6ojv2b wrote

Probably bc you're immature as fuck, your post history is pretty revealing.

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PoorCorrelation t1_j6og0pp wrote

If this is traumatizing for you you shouldn’t be dating while you receive professional counseling. If that’s hyperbole you might be able to work through this insecurity yourself.

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Love-tea t1_j6ohfsp wrote

Firstly you didn’t just come across the conversation you were looking through her phone. Which is a huge issue with privacy. You have no right to read her conversations.

Secondly I can see how you are trying to make this a trust issue because her crush had a gf at the time. But she didn’t tell her crush she just admitted to her friend that when he touched her face applying glitter she liked it. This does not make her untrustworthy. It actually makes her very trustworthy because she clearly didn’t act on how she felt.

And thirdly this is not traumatising. Please look that word up and learn what it actually means. This is you being insecure for absolutely no reason. You may want to work on this element of your personality otherwise being in a relationship is going to be very hard for you

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6oiy9m wrote

Thank you so much. This helped a lot. First thing tomorrow morning I'm going to apologise to her for checking her phone. And..it is already being hard for me to maintain a healthy relationship. I really dont want to, but i get riled up at the slighest thing. I really want to work on this but have no idea how to. Can you maybe give some advice on that too? And thanks again.....your answer helped a lotttt

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KitPipin t1_j6ojufg wrote

Oh my gooood.

You checked her phone?

That was so not "came across".

Jezuz, you went so far as to violate her privacy.

Why is this not in the post? Oh, maan.

Pathetic.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6ok5nq wrote

She did check mine a month before that so...

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KitPipin t1_j6okd24 wrote

Given your previous post, I'd boot you out, not check shit.

Again, going through someone's stuff is not "come across".

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6oks55 wrote

I'm sorry....what does boot you out mean?

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KitPipin t1_j6okynn wrote

Break up? Say goodbye? Throw away? Send back to your nanny?

Pick any. Or use Google, ffs.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6ol3nj wrote

Why on earth would she break up with me over my previous post?????????

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KitPipin t1_j6olo33 wrote

No, over your behaviour as per se.

You are not ready to stay committed to a single porn genre let alone to a mature long-term relationship.

Geez.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6olxxw wrote

How does me thinking seriously about my future and hers make me not ready for committment?

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KitPipin t1_j6omgpo wrote

You had no business thinking about your girlfriend's future when it involved her compromising on her education.

Especially only 4 months in.

Just like here - keep your nose out of her "incidents".

God forbid she shat in the same public toilet as her crush. Gosh, what an incident of all incidents would that be.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6omuq8 wrote

COMPROMISING????????

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KitPipin t1_j6oob4b wrote

And what that supposed to mean?

That was yet another of your "incidents" and you were already bitching and moaning about her lack of interest regarding ... distance between two colleges?

Seriously? "Mah beliefs were shaken". And then crying in the comments that she's not thinking about you together. All this while expecting what exactly from her? Moving closer to your college? Or what? Was this drama for drama fake crying?

Bruh.

Are you in drama class?

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Love-tea t1_j6p4q01 wrote

I’m glad you can see where you have gone wrong. That’s a good starting point. I’m also glad I could help even a small amount.

In getting help, go to therapy. Figure out why you think the way you do. Figure out why things rile you up. Once you have figured out the why you will be able to work on staying calm and not over thinking things.

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theycalledhermorlock t1_j6ogo8p wrote

So, no one was even supposed to touch her before you got together?

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6oh1hb wrote

NO. I did not say that. I made it clear in the post itself that I understand this was a completely normal incident. The problem I need help with is the overthinking it's causing.

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KitPipin t1_j6oi0lz wrote

What incident are you talking about?

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6oj3ri wrote

Her crush touching her face and the fact that she liked it.

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KitPipin t1_j6ojg3a wrote

Do you... do you know what the word "incident" means?

She was single and had a crush - none of this is your damned business.

Just like her plans for college. You know, we can see your post history.

That's not an incident. Her getting with you was an incident.

Her dealing with your shit is straight up tragedy.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6ojurg wrote

Can you please elaborate "Her dealing with your shit is straight up tragedy"?

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KitPipin t1_j6ok0dp wrote

You violated her privacy, you are controlling, you are insecure, you are straight up immature.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6okb95 wrote

What all I should not be doing and what all I should be doing instead? I realise i was being a big time dick.

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KitPipin t1_j6oknhq wrote

Yeah, boy, thumbs up. Mature as your behaviour.

What are you going to whimper about next?

We got a post about "future" and "further education".

We got a post about times when she was freaking single.

What's next?

Just wondering...

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6okwp8 wrote

Dude can you maybe calm down

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KitPipin t1_j6ol7xu wrote

I'm having fun.

This is the first time in my life I saw someone calling a single girl being touched by a crush "an incident".

That's bizarre and I'm all for it.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6olfsh wrote

Posted this up for advice and now im in the middle of this god knows what

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KitPipin t1_j6olsz9 wrote

My advice is to grow up.

And stop calling someone being touched "an incident".

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Israel_Madden t1_j6ogql2 wrote

Oh my god, the older you get the more you’ll need to realize that partners WILL have experiences that they enjoyed with other people in the past, that’s just a part of figuring out who you are and what you like as you develop as a person. Be happy that she’s comfortable enough with herself that she’s able to explore herself and understand what she likes. You need to relax, she didn’t do anything wrong and you should apologize for reacting with a “confrontation” and snooping on her private conversations

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judgejudyOG t1_j6ooc8c wrote

This is why children shouldn't be in "serious" relationships. You will end up damaging this girl if you don't deal with your insecurities.

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Personal_Change_7949 OP t1_j6ootw5 wrote

Oh my god. I really dont want to do any harm to her. Can you please advise me on how I can work on my insecurities and what harm it might cause to her if i dont?

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