I (24F) don't know if I can trust my boyfriend (30M)

Submitted by Valuable_Zucchini_97 t3_10q43af in relationship_advice

My boyfriend has a female coworker who used to send him nudes. He told me they both were in a bad place at the time and they both used each other to feel better about themselves. He assured me that it has stopped and that they both agreed it was bad for their friendship. They both go by each other's office and talk often and I've expressed how uncomfortable their relationship makes me.

Anytime I bring up their friendship he gets very defensive. He tells me he isn't doing anything wrong and that his friendship with her means a lot to him and so he will continue to be friends with her. I've tried my best to be ok with it even tho it really upsets me. It's also important to note that he cheated on his ex-wife with me and they got divorced in August. So my trust for him is very shaky.

Well, one night he got very drunk and his phone fell out of his pocket. I picked it up and saw a Snapchat message from a girl. I know I shouldn't have and I've apologized for it but, I went through his phone. He had just re-download the app that night and when I opened it up he not only friended the lady from work but he also friended about 5 other girls. I got very upset and I blocked the friend from work. I also checked their text messages and they had all been deleted. I didn't want to talk about it that night because of how drunk he was but when I tried to leave he asked why and I told him. He got very upset, compared me to his ex-wife, and said all women are the same.

The next day we tried to have a conversation about it and I apologized for looking through this phone and that I wouldn't do it again. He said he was sorry for talking the way he did to me. But he continued to say he didn't do anything wrong by adding the girls and that he is friends with the girl from work so he doesn't see an issue with having her on there. I tried to explain that it makes me uncomfortable and that I'm not asking him not to talk to her at work I would just appreciate if he didn't talk to her on there and outside of work given their history. He told me nothing is going on and I needed to trust him. I told him I don't understand why being friends with her on there was so important to him and if it would help me feel more comfortable, what is the issue with not having her on there?

Well a few days later I asked him if he added her back and he said yes. I asked him 2 separate times to please have a conversation with me before doing something that he knows will hurt me. So when I found out he added her without talking to me it made me very upset. When I brought up that I had asked for that he said he doesn't remember me telling him that. When I asked him why all of their texts were deleted he said he doesn't know. He said they either just disappeared or he deleted them and doesn't remember doing it.

All of this just doesn't add up to me. He tells me he doesn't want to be the person he was when he cheated and he would never do that again. But then he hides stuff and doesn't seem to understand why it's a problem. Am I out of line for asking him to remove her from the app or is it understandable to feel like it's inappropriate? I constantly feel like the men I'm with make me feel like I'm asking for too much when I don't think I am. Is it wise to trust him or should I not believe him when he says nothings going on?

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MidLyfeCrisys t1_j6nrjyl wrote

>Anytime I bring up their friendship he gets very defensive.

Red flag

>he cheated on his ex-wife with me

Red flag

>He had just re-download the app that night and when I opened it up he not only friended the lady from work but he also friended about 5 other girls.

Red flag

>He got very upset, compared me to his ex-wife, and said all women are the same.

Red flag

>So when I found out he added her without talking to me it made me very upset. When I brought up that I had asked for that he said he doesn't remember me telling him that. When I asked him why all of their texts were deleted he said he doesn't know. He said they either just disappeared or he deleted them and doesn't remember doing it.

Red flag

>But then he hides stuff and doesn't seem to understand why it's a problem.

Red flag

I mean, seriously, what else do you need?

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Valuable_Zucchini_97 OP t1_j6ntfp6 wrote

A new brain I guess lol

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MidLyfeCrisys t1_j6ntlj6 wrote

I'm so sorry. He's obviously doing bad things.

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Valuable_Zucchini_97 OP t1_j6nuayg wrote

Yeah I guess I just have a hard time trusting myself. And when he tells me he is being truthful with me I want to trust him, even tho it doesn't add up.

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DerrickDeposit t1_j6o089o wrote

He is going to cheat on you. He isn’t even hiding his shadiness. Leave him and find someone loyal.

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Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j6nph0i wrote

​

Info: where did you meet him?

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Valuable_Zucchini_97 OP t1_j6npkwk wrote

At work 🙃

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Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j6o12d4 wrote

Well then, you’re perfectly aware that he has a pattern of behavior.

I’m not going to shit on you for being the other woman. I’m sure plenty of other people will, and whether you deserve it or not isn’t for any of us to say. I’m not here for that, I’m genuinely hoping that you learn something and protect yourself.

The fact is that he’s repeating a behavior.

You know it, he knows it, and maybe she knows it. What she knows or does is totally irrelevant, what matters here is what you do, and what he does.

You have to first understand and truly accept that cheaters cheat. Liars lie. Everyone thinks that because they’re aware of it, they can’t become a victim of it, “I know they lied to you, but they won’t lie to me.”

All bullshit. We tell ourselves this for some reason, but it’s not beneficial, or true.

Liars lie. Cheaters cheat.

He’s already treating you the way he probably treated his ex. This cycle has started for him, and it’s unlikely to end.

You can’t stop it. Why? Because there’s nothing in the world that can keep a cheater from cheating. They’ll find someone to have sex with, and if you deny them access to one person, they’ll only go find another.

Because as the other woman, we love to tell ourselves that they would otherwise be a perfect partner, but they just found their true love with us, and their old relationship was simply not enough, right? We’re so uniquely connected that it was only right for him to come to you.

And the realization that he doesn’t think the same way, we’ll that sucks for you.

But the point is, there’s nothing you can do to make a faithful man cheat, and nothing you can do to make an unfaithful man faithful. There’s no one so beautiful, so cool, so accomplished, that they can’t be cheated on. There’s no level of control that will keep a cheater from cheating.

You’re fighting a losing battle. Stop fighting. There’s nothing like insecurity and attempts to control that will drive away a cheater faster.

If there’s nothing to worry about, then nothing you do will change anything, and if he’s going to cheat, then nothing you do can stop him.

ALL THAT BEING SAID:

He’s lying to you. He’s being deceptive in action. He’s verbally abusive. He’s doing all kinds of things to show you how little he cares. Why are you fighting for this relationship?

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Valuable_Zucchini_97 OP t1_j6o6ayx wrote

I think you hit the nail on the head with me feeling like he fell in love with the wrong person. So when he said he wanted to be with me and divorce her, I believed him. Well they didn't get divorced for another 2 years. And I stuck around like am idiot. Because he made me believe that we were meant to be together. So why am I fighting for this? I guess because I truly believed him when he gave me his reasons for cheating, when I told me I was all he wanted. If I could go back I would change a lot because I didn't realize how much I was being used. But then I use the excuse that it was the situations fault not his fault which is why I stuck around. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I know be isn't the person he pretends to be. It's just hard excepting that.

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Forsaken_Woodpecker1 t1_j6p1e7i wrote

You're gong to be fine, just don't forget the way you feel right now. He's going to try to convince you to stay, that things will be different, he's learned, blah blah blah. You know that you're better off without him.

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