Submitted by [deleted] t3_10q7med in relationship_advice
[deleted]
Comments
DeadlyJelly18 t1_j6p9a29 wrote
Well i just found out that she still has a nickname with heart emoji on him in her contacts since they dated. It's really stupid detail, but it's details like these that make me overthink. Thanks for your advice though!
trishsf t1_j6obnpc wrote
You say that you absolutely trust her but you don’t. Other people’s intentions don’t matter if you trust her. Someone in a committed relationship doesn’t regularly communicate with an ex with the intention of seeing them at some point.
DeadlyJelly18 t1_j6ot2ao wrote
I mean i did admit that the issue is in me, what I'm asking for is advice about how to communicate it without her feeling like i want to put restrictions on her
trishsf t1_j6ov14f wrote
It’s actually fair to ask a partner that you are in a committed relationship with not to speak regularly with an ex or make plans to get together.
Nurse_Hatchet t1_j6oeeyq wrote
Fellow majority guy friend-having woman here. I think you’re likely overthinking here, and lying to yourself a bit. You say you trust your girlfriend not to cheat, but you don’t seem to trust her to be smart enough to see when a guy is trying to “seduce” her and not fall for it.
I liked what you said about having respect for your partner. When my husband and I started dating I was very much running with the boys, spending lots of time at sports bars chatting people up, etc. I felt free to be friendly with whoever, including exes that ended on good terms, but my personal boundary was about respect. If I caught any whiff of a guy trying to slide in through the friend door or if anyone tried to undermine/sow doubt/disrespect my boyfriend or our relationship, they were gone immediately. After seeing it happen a time or two by boyfriend got much more comfortable because he really did know he could trust me.
If you’re worried about exes being friends, maybe this will make you feel better: I was always able to be so friendly with them because I was never really that interested in them romantically. It was more of a buddy that I tried dating for a second only to find it was a bad fit and we were better as friends. Most went for the friend route initially. The ones that were real friends stayed in my life, the ones that were just hoping to get back with me eventually drifted away when their best efforts only got the friend version of me. I knew what they were up to the whole time but found that just waiting them out was the best way to live drama-free. Your girlfriend could very well be using a similar strategy.
DeadlyJelly18 t1_j6p912e wrote
yes i get what you are trying to say. From what I know about her she has experience with men trying to get something from her. And also, it happened few times when we were in bars/clubs that when some men approached her and made a move on her she froze and wasn't able to do anything about it. I'm not blaming her for anything because she has been through some traumatic stuff and that's why she freezes up. But that makes me even more worried, what if he makes a move and out of fear or something she won't be able to defend herself? I know I'm probably just overthinking, probably I'm just overprotective. idk
Nurse_Hatchet t1_j6pahgu wrote
Sorry, but if you’re going to try to protect her from every potentially scary/uncomfortable/dangerous encounter with men, be prepared to be her 24/7 body guard. That’s life for women. If she’s not asking you to protect her, I doubt she’ll welcome you constantly stepping in and doing it of your own volition.
I feel like you’re scratching for justifications to tell her not to talk to certain people. Bottom line, if she hasn’t given you a reason to mistrust her and she isn’t asking you to run interference between her and other men, don’t do it. She will not appreciate it.
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MckittenMan t1_j6og91i wrote
Hey man, I think your feelings are completely fair to have in this situation.
When I read this, I can understand how someone can arrive at that conclusion; Trying to build up an impression again. Finding things to connect over:
So, its okay to feel uneasy about a lot this. Same thoughts would run through my head.
The issue thing is... we don't know if that is the reality.
That is just a theory.
And until we know what's factual, you're going to need more information.
You can be open with your partner and express how you feel. She could provide you with reassurance, and there is a chance she might even see your side too.
I know for myself, I have no desire to maintain an ex friendship because I know the potential metal battle that comes with it. I don't want to force my GF to deal with that mental load. Your GF might see it that way too, who knows.
But anyways... until you have more evidence. You have to stand by this:
>I'm at peace with that fact because I trust my GF and I know she wouldn't cheat on me.
Trust your GF until she gives you a reason not to.
And if you discover that he's making romantic advances, and she doesn't put space as a result... you have your first reason to explore your suspicions.