How can a 26F convince 24M that its not always about him.

Submitted by thetroubledlady t3_10pwejo in relationship_advice

Me (26F) and my bf (24M) have been dating for 2 years now. Everything is great except for the part that he is horrible in communication (we are in ldr) and wants everything to be about him. If I tell him I have had a bad day he'll reply by saying that he's day was worst than mine. If I tell him he's hurt me he'll tell me that I have hurt him too. If I tell him he's not giving me enough time(after work hour) he'll point out a busy time of my day and tell me I'm not giving him time too. It's been very hard to make him understand that it's not always about him. And it's not always about me too btw, cause whenever he tells me he's had a bad day I'll talk to him about it. If he's sick i send him funny pic and videos of myself to make him feel better. If he's stuck with anything in terms of his career I help and guide him and I want him to do the same but he says I'm asking for too much.

As you might have guessed I'm lost and my thoughts are not in place. Cause the one person from whom I need the most support in life hardly gives me moral support and when I tell him that he just says I'm being too arrogant and egoistic. Please help me solve this.

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yellowdog898 t1_j6mhdgb wrote

You are dating a boy lol . Umm honestly let him go , it would be better

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triaxisman t1_j6middf wrote

Google conversational narcissism and defensiveness in relationships as that’s what he’s doing. And google emotional support skills, conflict resolution skills, active listening skills, and the importance validation in relationships as that’s what you want but aren’t getting. To be honest, trying to explain this to people like your bf doesn’t work. Those behaviors arent something that change with just an explanation, they’re usually pretty hardwired and don’t change unless they get therapy and years of it and even then it’s no guarantee it gets better. And even when they work on it, while you wait, you’re continually made to feel unimportant and less than by their single focus on themselves and that can cause or worsen any mental health issues you may have. Best thing to do with someone like this is tell them what you need that they aren’t giving you and leave. Find someone better suited for you, and hopefully if he meets enough people that point out the problem he’ll be motivated to fix it at some point, but hopefully he’ll do it while he’s single so he doesn’t hurt more people while he figures his shit out.

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thetroubledlady OP t1_j6nbx6i wrote

Thank you so much for the list. I'll definitely Google and check them out. I am giving him time to grow as I still feel he's young and might need some time. But like you suggested if there's still no improvement, I'm going to bail our of this relationship.

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BoomTheBear86 t1_j6mi8dt wrote

Next time he does this (flips the script when you bring up an issue or something) just end the call / means of communication abruptly.

When he asks what happened, just straight up say “I wanted to talk to you about something with me, and you are turning my attempts to seek support from you into a focus instead on yourself. It doesn’t make me feel supported, and as that’s what I wanted from you, I figured the conversation wouldn’t help me.”

If he defends what he did with any “but you” then end that communication again, repeating the same reason if he asks.

Unless you give him consequences for when he does this, he won’t learn.

It’s okay to use our own experiences to empathise, but you should usually do some form of acknowledging the others experience first, and then making it clear why you’re about to offer your own analogy. Downright dismissing your experiences as “not as bad as mine” is actually a manipulative tactic often employed by gaslighters and the like (reversing the script and swapping who is the offender and who is the victim).

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thetroubledlady OP t1_j6ncbm4 wrote

That's a good suggestion actually. Thank you so much. Usually when something like this happens I start defending my point which makes things worst. I'm going to apply this method for a week or two to see how it works and decide my step forward.

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