(25F) my (29M) boyfriend will break up with me if not moved in.

Submitted by Odd-Sock2486 t3_10prncr in relationship_advice

!!! I am getting notifications that you guys are replying but I can't see all the comments, I'll send a message to you if I don't see it !!!!

*small back story: I am 25 years old, I work part time at my father's company, I also have MS (multiple scrolsis) so I can only do so much at a time. My Boyfriend works in the Medical field and a pharmacy job at night.

My boyfriend of 2 years and 6 months had told me if I don't move in the next 2 months with him then he will break it off with Me, I need advice.

Since his lease on his apartment is ending in 2 months, they are asking for $1,400 if he renews it for another 12 months, he doesn't want to look for a new place becuase he can't offord it. As we all know the cost of rent has gone up sooo much.

He wants my name on the lease and split 50/50 on the bills. With my already bills and expenses, it will put me in a hole to have to put down an extra $1000. He knows my current situation and knows that I don't make as much as he does.

I do love him and we did grow alot, we have took trips, met eacothers entire family/friends and so much more with in our 2 years. It definitely felt like a shovel hit my face when he told me this altimatum. I don't just want to let it all go, he doesn't either but he can't wait much longer.

I do stay at his place probably 4 days/nights out of the week and I do contribute to essentials around the house here and there when I can. I mentioned to him about staying at his place more days, he said that's fine but it won't change his 2 month decision. I've also tried to see if there is a middle ground, but he is really stern on his decision.

Do you think he wants me to move in so badly only to pay what he can't offord? Do you think I'm being alittle bit too much by waiting almost 3 years to figure it out? What should I do? What would you do?

Bottom line is I don't think I'm ready to 100% fully move in, within 2 months from now, I will be emotionally broken if he decides to break up over this. :/

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trishsf t1_j6m0qxz wrote

I think it’s a terrible ultimatum. Awful. His reasoning was that he doesn’t want to move. It wasn’t that he loves you and that he’s planning to marry you. Think about that. I’m sorry

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sportxsport t1_j6m12z0 wrote

>Do you think he wants me to move in so badly only to pay what he can't offord?

100%.

Don't do it.

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ContentedRecluse t1_j6m2b1g wrote

Don't give in to ultimatums, it sets a precedent. He is threatening to end your relationship if you don't do what he wants. That does not sound like love, it sounds like manipulation and coercion.

Do not let him dictate terms to you. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership. He has no right to control you so that he doesn't have to deal with financial hardship. He can find a studio apartment or a trailer to rent.

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Odd-Sock2486 OP t1_j6m2lkq wrote

How can I go about this with him? I know when I told him I can't move in right now, he said he can't wait for me any longer, at the same time the "altimatum" was the first time I've ever heard this from him. I feel under pressure since i only have 2 months to figure it out wich is a big step/stroll on alot of stuff.

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GlacierView8 t1_j6m72md wrote

Consider just telling him that your finances cannot support that rent. And that you are not yet ready to take the step of living with him full time. He will then do whatever he chooses. You have to live a life that works for you.

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ContentedRecluse t1_j6mr2vq wrote

Tell him no. If he is able to threaten to end the relationship if you don't do what he wants and it works. It is likely he will use this tactic again. If he ends the relationship over this then I don't believe he loves you.

You moving in with him is in his best interest, not yours. He is being very self-centered. Everything is about him and what he needs.

His plan to spit the bills is also not fair. It sure does benefit him though. Here is a fairer way to split the bills. https://adamhagerman.com/share-expenses-living-together/

Call his bluff on moving out, if he breaks up with you over this then he doesn't love you. Don't let him put you in a position where he calls the shots because you are desperate to keep the relationship at all costs, and he can throw it away whenever he feels like it.

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Crystal010Rose t1_j6m43la wrote

There are 3 issues that I’ll address separately:

  1. His current ultimatum: Yes this sounds like he plans on using you to pay the rent, this has nothing to do with you. I wouldn’t do it. Such moves need to be planned.

  2. Money: imo it’s not fair that he wants you to pay 50/50 or actually even more than that due to electricity when he earns more. It sounds also like you currently can’t afford it. Tell him, state clearly that you can’t and won’t and you two need to figure out a fair and doable split.

  3. Moving in: Do you actually want to live with him? Do you like his current apartment? Think about what you need and tell him your needs. Do you need a home office? If yes, ask where you can set it up and see if the solution is acceptable. Same for space for your stuff, is there enough? It might happen that you both need to move to a different apartment in order to move in together.

And one important question for the issue at hand: has he brought up moving in seriously before the rent was raised? If not, you have your answer and also a lot more info on the relationship. Do not rush this. But if he seems receptive of the 3 issues above and ready to compromise then I’d say you can start making plans to move the relationship forward if it feels right to you- however not with his current conditions. Talk to him.

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Odd-Sock2486 OP t1_j6m5bw1 wrote

I will respond

Yes thank you,

  1. I agree

2.i definitely can not offord it, he lives in a 1 bedroom 1 bath apartment. They are asking $1,400 for a 12 year new lease. I still have my car payments, my health insurance, phone plan, etc. etc.

  1. Do I want to live with him right now? No, Do I want to live with him down the road? Yes, his current apartment is only fit for 1 person, not 2. He does have a full grown Sheppard that sleeps in a huge kennel (takes up alot of space) he never keeps food in his apartment, due to him working alot and never home. If I were to bring all my clothes/furniture/essentials, there would be no where to put any of my stuff. I've had a conversation with him about finding a apartment that is a bit bigger for his needs also, because he does have his family over alot and its super cramped, but ofc he can't offord anything else but where he is at now.

This is the first time I've heard him Brought up this altimatum. The first year we started dating the only serious conversation was that he wanted me to stay over more, and I did.

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tossout7878 t1_j6m0dz4 wrote

Are you planning on moving in with him eventually? You already stay there half the week so what's your long term plan or goal with this?

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Odd-Sock2486 OP t1_j6m0jv3 wrote

I eventually do yes! But can I right now? Not likely :/ I do see a future with him, and I do plan on getting a higher wage job.

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NormalMammoth4099 t1_j6m4dpq wrote

If he is willing to break up over this, this is something you need to know. He may very well be pushing the issue based on finances, does he realize that the agreement he is insisting on will put you at risk financially? A real boyfriend, any real friend would never ask this from you. Tell him that the answer is no as soon as you can to give him time to find a roommate and a new girlfriend.

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Duros001 t1_j6m5lpn wrote

He’s given you an ultimatum, why are you even entertaining the thought he can dictate terms. Leave his ass

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bezrodnyi-kosmopolit t1_j6m0yc2 wrote

Why would you be paying extra? Won’t you two be paying for one place instead of 2?

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Odd-Sock2486 OP t1_j6m1478 wrote

Yes, when we talked about it he said he wants me to pay more on the electric bill since I'll be home more than he does. Everything else is 50/50 but his place isn't the cheapest either.

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bezrodnyi-kosmopolit t1_j6m1bge wrote

But where is the extra $1000 coming from? Are you not going to give up your place? Presumably you’re paying at least $500 for your current place

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Odd-Sock2486 OP t1_j6m6a5u wrote

I have to pay my car, car insurance, health insurance, medical bills, phone plan, gas, etc.etc.

He lives in a 1bedroom apartment that is going to cost $1,400 divide that by 2 that is $700, on top of his HOA fee, electric bill, his electric bill can run around $120. And he has to pay for internet, so I can definitely say it will be close or to $1,000.

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Glittering_Code_4311 t1_j6m1fge wrote

Either go 50/50 which is still not a good idea or let him go he wants you to pay his bills he can't afford. This is not a good relationship!

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