My (M25) girlfriend (F25) cries a lot and it’s taking a toll on me

Submitted by basketweaver231 t3_10pl91t in relationship_advice

My girlfriend cries often about things that I consider inconveniences or just tough parts of life. She cries at least once a week and it’s basically always my job to console her and fix her problem.

I don’t mind doing that as I love her very much but the frequency takes it’s toll as I have my own burdens so it’s exhausting having to come home from a tough day of work and then spend an hour trying to cheer someone up.

This week she cried because she got a ticket for a lot of money. Last week it was because she had to fill out an application that was confusing.

It’s not simple cries that take two minutes to cheer her up. I think she’s in a good spot and then 5 minutes later she’s back on whatever the inconvenience is and she’s back to crying. Also even if she’s done crying she gets really quiet and is tough to be around as you know she’s still upset but nothing works to cheer her up.

All in all it’s emotionally exhausting and not something I can even bring up because then she will start crying about that. If I ever try and bring up something that bothers me, it usually ends with her crying and me just walking back everything I said because I really don’t like to see her cry. She doesn’t do it to manipulate either she is just a very sensitive person.

She is also not depressed, her crying is usually caused by something (that again is usually just shit you have to put your head down and figure out).

I honestly don’t know what to do but it’s becoming very difficult for me and is something that is draining on me.

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AuntyVenom t1_j6l3khh wrote

>>She cries at least once a week and it’s basically always my job to console her and fix her problem.

You don't have to console her! Let her cry, remove yourself, come back later. You're telling yourself a bad story if you say it's your job to console her. You don't have to do that.

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basketweaver231 OP t1_j6lnscq wrote

How do I do that while being a good boyfriend? I always want to make her happy.

We don’t live together so these usually start with a FaceTime right when I’m off work and her in tears due to whatever issue she’s facing that day. If I was like “I’m sorry I have to go” I can almost guarantee id get a text that said “are u mad at me?” as soon as I hung up. I don’t think I’d be able to pull that off without seeming cold and distant and likely exasperating her sadness because she’d take it as I don’t care about her or her feelings.

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AuntyVenom t1_j6o6h28 wrote

Perhaps "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie might help you? For eg, if you want to talk to her about your feelings & she starts crying so you walk everything back (as you said), that's called "derailling" and focusing on her feels rather than yours. You don't have to be derailed. You can say "I know you're sad but I really need to talk about x. I'll give you a minute & then let's get back to what I need to talk about." YOu thinking it's your job to fix things for her is co-dependence,

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_j6l3cls wrote

What she needs is to develop a thicker skin and some frustration tolerance. But you cannot do that for her. I think at some point you're going to stop wanting to be her emotions handkerchief. Good luck to you. You did not cause her problem, you cannot fix it, all you can do is take care of yourself.

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poetniknowit t1_j6l4j6z wrote

I mean, it's one thing to be sensitive but that seems like an excessive amount of getting upset on a regular basis. Unless she's actually seen a psychiatrist or therapist before I wouldn't immediately rule out some sort of imbalance, may it be depression or not. There's all sorts of mood disorders out there, and if she starts to cry at the littlest inconvenience that means that her moods aren't very stable. You say that these crying jags can continue on and off throughout the day- hormone imbalances can also put your body out of whack, where these emotional outbursts are just bubbling waiting for something to give them permission to bubble over.

Maybe she was an only child or the youngest and used to getting negative attention like this from her parents. Even if you guys have a good relationship, sometimes people revert back to immature, childlike behaviors when they are in a relationship with someone they trust. She's getting her needs met when you jump into caregiver mode, which isn't fair to you, bc being around someone who is so fragile that even simple things like filling out a form can ruin their entire day is a bit much.

You cannot walk around on eggshells avoiding confrontational conversations simply to spare yourself even more tears on her end. If she's crying all the time, you're going to have to cope with it anyways, so you might as well get this stuff off your chest before you end up resenting the relationship enough where you are just done with all of it. Whether you suggest she see a doctor to check her levels, or a therapist to teach her some actual coping skills, something's gotta give!

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basketweaver231 OP t1_j6ln6as wrote

I honestly attribute it to how she was raised. She had parents who would call the teacher or coach if she did not make the team or get what she wanted. I think it’s made her very fragile as an adult, which she is also self aware of at least. She is also not entitled luckily but I think she just isn’t able to handle when shit happens.

I may bring up therapy and getting checked for hormone issues. She also has a stressful job so if I had to guess your probably right about things bubbling over.

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ladyorthetiger0 t1_j6li2d3 wrote

Is she actually asking you to fix her problems for her, or are you just offering because you think that's what she wants?

A lot of women cry when we get overwhelmed. And a lot of men tend to think that means those women need their problems fixed by them. This is not the case. Many of us can and will fix our own problems as soon as we're done crying it out.

So my advice is, stop trying to fix her problems. See what happens if you step back and let her handle it. That doesn't mean not empathizing or being supportive, you can do those things without stepping in and problem solving.

Maybe she actually wants you to fix her problems, or maybe just being supportive for someone who cries so often is too much, and if either of those are the case you should re-evaluate the relationship.

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basketweaver231 OP t1_j6llun1 wrote

In the application example, I had to suggest that she email someone from where she was applying for assistance. This completely fixed her problem and she was super happy it got resolved and also stopped her crying. Had I not helped her work through it, I’m not sure she would have ever gotten it resolved or at least not as quickly as she needed to get it done.

She definitely wants my help. The crying usually starts with something like “I am overwhelmed and don’t know what to do, this is so hard”. She’s not really the “I can do this myself and figure it out” type. She’s more of a “ugh this is so hard, why is it so hard (cue crying)” type. I really wish it wasn’t like this though but some of these stuff I don’t think she’d ever be able to do on her own.

Another crying example was she has a technology assignment for her education masters and couldn’t understand how to use the tools she needed to use. She said she spent the last 3 hours crying and the assignment was due in a couple hours and she wasn’t close to finishing it. Im pretty good with technology so I came over and helped her with it and she was extremely appreciative.

Just little stuff like that where her first instinct is to cry and come to me instead of solving stuff on her own. I like helping her but it definitely bothers me. What do I do? Do I just sit back and let her fail? Do I just say “wow that’s really hard, sorry to hear that” over and over?

When people say “sometimes people just need to vent and aren’t looking for you to solve their problem” what do they mean? There’s only so long I can sit there and say “yeah that’s hard I’m sorry you have to deal with that” (I’ve gone like 30 minutes straight of this) before I just start offering solutions because that usually ends the whole fiasco much quicker.

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Malibucat48 t1_j6ly12z wrote

You have the answer right here. Her parents did everything for her. Went to teachers and coaches and fixed all her problems for her. And she absolutely cried to them first because she couldn’t understand the teacher’s assignment or the coach was mean to her. Parents got involved and viola, problem solved. And now she is doing the same thing to you. She cries and you solve her problem. She’s too old to be behaving like a 10 year old. She absolutely needs therapy and may have a hormone imbalance, but it is just a habit at this point. Talk to her and point this out to her. But first tell her you are going to have a serious discussion and she can’t cry. Tell her she has to see a doctor and she has to stop crying over everything. Tell her she can learn to control it because you can’t handle it anymore. It is not adult and it is not attractive. Let her know you can help her with any problem she has but not if she cries first. She has to realize what is wrong, know her limits and ask for help - without crying. It won’t change overnight, but it will change if she wants to. Make sure she knows you will not listen to her cry and won’t fix her problem if she does. She can cry in her pillow or cry to mommy and daddy, but not to you. And if she doesn’t stop, it has to be a dealbreaker. You need an adult relationship.

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