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triaxisman t1_j6m9g8g wrote

> I don't have an emotional connection to him, I'm quite good at detaching if I don't see a future and separating casual from romantic

You sure about that? Things that work out but not often, or not completely have a way of captivating attention and increasing interest. Google intermittent reward to understand this more. Id bet it isn’t as much how he looks, as people get tired of almost anything if it becomes routine. It’s that he’s just barely out of reach, and that along with his good looks is what takes it from regular attraction, to the intensity you feel now.

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incrediblydope91 t1_j6ma5fp wrote

Yeah i am sure as I ended it I felt good when I did it because I knew he wasn't for me emotionally but physically I thought he was beautiful. We get along well as friends hes a good guy, I just didn't want to waste time romantically If I didn't feel we had something between us, he is quite emotionally immature and I need someone who can communicate well so yeah... I'm definitely sure I don't want anything solid with him I just think physically he's exactly what I imagine my dream looking man to look like but I can't figure out why. Looks have never played a huge part in my relationships that's not what I seek. A part of me felt a bit inferior when we dated like I didn't deserve it but now it's casual I feel like that's silly! But yeah i can't work it out

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triaxisman t1_j6mb5jn wrote

What you’re mention proves my point, so maybe you don’t see what I’m saying. So here, let me try to explain this way instead, it doesn’t sound like you’re detached, it sounds like you’re infatuated. And often in situations like yours, where you normally don’t care about looks, since right now you do and you’re infatuated with it, it’s probably because you can’t have it, ie you know a relationship won’t work, so it’s all the more tempting. Here’s an analogy. Chocolate cake gets really boring if you have it every meal, but if you tell yourself you can’t have it, it becomes very tempting and when you do indulge it taste amazing. Right now he’s chocolate cake that you’re telling yourself you can’t have.

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incrediblydope91 t1_j6mbifb wrote

Ah sorry. I do get what you're saying but I do feel like I can have him as I don't want a relationship at all. I've come out of a 5 year one, I'm super busy so casual is exactly what I'm looking for and the fact I get to do it with him makes me super happy. I dont want a boyfriend I just want good sex and a bit of fun flirting so I'm excited that it's him and not someone else. I'm definitely infatuated for sure but now I've explained that... what do you think?

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triaxisman t1_j6mcnd1 wrote

Just because you don’t want it right now as it is, doesn’t mean it isn’t tempting all the same. If he were emotionally more mature and you weren’t just out of a relationship and were looking for one, wouldn’t you date him? Chocolate cake analogy again, you may not want it due to the calories, but that taboo factor often makes it even more tempting.

Also maybe google attachment style, as claiming to be good at detaching and getting wrap up in the physical and avoiding or downplaying the emotional is a common avoidant attachment tactic.

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incrediblydope91 t1_j6mdmfl wrote

I'm avoidant by choice. I was in a veryyyy intense relationship which really took it out of me. I want to just enjoy the next year focusing on me, having fun with friends, studying etc. I really dontvwant a boyfriend and when I do, I'll work on being more secure and look for someone emotionally available! But for now, this works! I just have never been so infatuated I wondered what else it could be than just it's taboo?

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triaxisman t1_j6mdz3x wrote

See my other comment, what you say here proves that point even more.

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incrediblydope91 t1_j6medh6 wrote

Haha I hear you but also I didn't have much physical attraction to my partner before so it kind of just feels like a nice novelty. I respect what you're saying but If I don't want a relationship I'm not scared of being hurt I'm happy just having fun. Everyone thinks being emotionally unavailable is a bad thing based on trauma but I just don't want a boyfriend it's that simple. Yes casual allows me to be close to someone without getting emotionally invested in a relationship but I'm good with that. I had a very secure relationship before this in terms of the guy so I wouldn't settle for less. I know that because it's casual physical is more important to me right nowww because I don't really have to worry much about if their personality fits mine as I don't want a bf! So it feels important to be physically attracted to the person I'm sleeping with for sure. I'm quite reflective on how I feel and I'm very happy being an avoidant while I focus on me and do my thing! I respect everything you've said though , makes sense but yeah I wonder if there are any other perspectives to look at

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triaxisman t1_j6mf7xa wrote

Who said anything about scared? And YOU were the one that said you had disorganized attachment, not me, but now you’re claiming to have secure attachment? Which is it? And I never said any attachment style is bad, thats you projecting your assumptions onto to me, each attachment style has its pros and cons. It’s only bad when it gets in the way of your goals in life or hurts people you’re in relationships with.

Seriously you asked why you’re so physically infatuated and you literally said your last relationship drained you and you want just the physical right now, so seems rather obvious why you’d be more focused and drawn to the physical. But if you want to go on a wild goose hunt for other reasons, I guess more power to you.

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incrediblydope91 t1_j6mjcah wrote

Yeah I do have disorganised attachment and I said when I'm ready for a relationship I'll work on being more secure lol. Ooookaaay thanks for your input!

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triaxisman t1_j6mk4a8 wrote

> and I said when I'm ready for a relationship I'll work on being more secure lol

Lol, oookaaay, not sure why you’re telling me, I really don’t care what you do, I was just answering your question, you were the one taking it like it was criticism.

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incrediblydope91 t1_j6md9e8 wrote

I don't know if I would want to date him because the idea of dating anyone overwhelms me I'm just not in that headspace! All I know is I fancy him a lotttt and I think he's super good looking and it makes me die 😄. I know all about attachment style I'm half fearful half dismissive.. so yeah

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triaxisman t1_j6mdtnm wrote

> I'm half fearful half dismissive

That’s why, right there, that’s called disorganized attachment. People like that are even more likely to focus on the physical as it’s a way to feel close with out risking the messiness of being close emotionally. If your relationship break up triggered your attachment issues, it could be that you’re becoming even more focused on the physical as a self protection mechanism to avoid hurt but still have some level of closeness, thus the reason for the physical infatuation, even though you’ve not been like that before.

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