Me (33F) and my boyfriend (31M) need to figure out what to do after 13 years in a relationship...

Submitted by ThrowRA563890 t3_10q6fpw in relationship_advice

I need someone's perspective on my situation.

Two days ago I finally broke down and asked my boyfriend if he will help me to find a new place to stay as we had a fight and he told me to get my things and get gone. I had already enough as he was telling me every other day that he thinks that we should break up. It started a year ago after moving to a bigger city where most of his friends are single and he is having FOMO. And the other thing is, he is spending days on the phone, calling and messaging (3-4 hours a day) and then going to his best friend to spend the evening without having any real conversation with me. So I've started to have a feeling that I'm the extra one in their relationships.

When confronted: He told me he is just saying these things as he is struggling in his head and we were always honest with each other so he just says what he has on mind. That he is really sorry for saying these things to me. And maybe we just need time to figure out and work on our issues (meaning therapy) or if he just wants to be alone. We have been always honest with each other and are still best friends.

Is this worth saving? Is there even a way to figure out all of this without breaking up?

Thanks for every comment

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lolol69lolol t1_j6o4vua wrote

Only you can determine if the relationship is worth saving, but based on what you’ve said, your bf checked out of the relationship a long time ago. I’ve been with my husband for almost 13 years and if we go 2 days without spending time together/really chatting about what’s going on, I feel like we’re missing something. We will get up early to spend time with each other or shower together in the morning so we have at least 15 minutes just us - especially on the days we’re both busy.

You deserve to be happy, and it doesn’t seem like you’re happy. Also doesn’t seem like your bf is happy. But like I said, only you can determine if this relationship is worth saving.

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minizookeeper t1_j6o7qvv wrote

Only you can decide if this is worth it, but personally I'd move out regardless and reconsider this relationship from a distance; you don't deserve the way he's talking to you or treating you and there's no excuse for it. He's over 30, not 16, and he needs to grow up enough to communicate if you're going to have a life together. You were barely adults when you picked each other out, and you might've just outgrown each other. It happens. Or maybe distance will give you both perspective and you'll realize that this is really what you want. But either way it will be a change that cements how serious you are about things being in an untenable state and needing to change drastically before they can actually work.

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