I (31F) is trying to find her mom (55F) a partner. Is that too much?

Submitted by Big-Anywhere-797 t3_10q0bov in relationship_advice

Back story: my mom’s only husband and first man was my dad. My dad when he met her did what any man (hispanic household) did in that era. Asked my mom out, got to know each other (respectfully) then asked her to marry him. They got married and had us. My dad started traveling and ended up coming to the USA. Submitted the process for us to come. We waited like 10 years before we received our visas, etc.

The meantime my dad was living in the USA going back and forth. As well having a whole different family here with out us knowing. Fast forward to 2001- we come to the USA my mom finds out he has another family the divorce. My mom goes into a depression for years. We got her help and everything. I resented my dad for almost 11 years. Now my mom seems find, happy. I’ve tried to get her to start dating, but she refuses. Is like she hates men. I told her that it will be better to have some sort of male friend and she keeps telling me to leave her alone.

I feel bad because i dont want her to be alone. I have my own family but feels like she needs to be with me since shes by herself. My brother doesn’t bother with her anymore he thinks is been too many years by herself and that book is closed, but i refuse to believe that.

Is there away I can have her meet someone without her not knowing it was me? Online dating is out of question for her. How can i get her to date? Is too late? Was the trauma so big she cant get passed it 20 years plus later? I feel horrible for her.

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trishsf t1_j6n4lwv wrote

I’m a mom and close to her age. There’s nothing you can do. She would be helped immensely by therapy but only if she really wants to change her life and find happiness. This is heartbreaking because she’s too young to give up but it has to come from her. I’m so sorry.

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Big-Anywhere-797 OP t1_j6n8qtk wrote

I will try to get her in therapy. Not that I’m forcing her to be someone but just for her mind to be distracted and happy again i guess.. even though she seems fine. Idk, just wanted to try, i guess.

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trishsf t1_j6ndob6 wrote

I know you are and that’s so loving and thoughtful. I hope she agrees to therapy because she’s got so many years ahead of her and I want her to be happy too.

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biopticstream t1_j6ndpzc wrote

It's understandable that you want to help her but tryna set her up w/o her knowing might not be the way to go. That could backfire and make her feel even more betrayed. It's all about trust, bro.

She's probs still hurt from what happened w/ your dad and that's why she's not interested in dating. 20 yrs is a long time to be alone but it's also a long time to get over a traumatic experience.

Maybe try talking to her about it, see if she's open to the idea of getting back out there. If she's still not interested, then it's probs best to respect her wishes and not push it.

But if she does open up to the idea, maybe consider getting a professional involved like a therapist to help her work through the trauma and help her get back in the dating game.

Just remember, be there for her and support her no matter what. Hope this helps, bro.

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