I [37m] had an emotional affair on my partner [37f] and I think I should end things.

Submitted by UAFiend t3_10poab4 in relationship_advice

It is going to be an ordeal. We have no kids but still.

We have a dead bedroom for over a year now. It's mostly me. I feel so much resentment toward her that I have been physically unable to get close to her without feeling repulsed.

I hate myself for these feelings. Most of my resentment has to do with probably feeling guilty for unending her life to move cities to be with me. That doesn't change the fact that as much as I respect her and love her like family, I have fallen hard out of love and despite wanting to have those feelings again I cannot muster them.

I have for easily two years and at least the last year been almost certain that this relationship has to die, but the path of least resistance has just been going to work and hanging out and watching movies and playing video games and going to sleep and rinsing and repeating.

At first I assumed it was just covid doldrums and things would work again once we were past that, but if anything it has got worse.

I eventually began to suspect I was just dead inside and I may as well just live the rest of my life like this.

Only 40 more years or so to go right?

That way I'd never have to really hurt her the way breaking up would?

Recently I made very close friends with a new girl at work ... and before I knew it we were looking each other in the eyes and just chatting and laughing in a way that just felt so easy and natural and exhilarating.

I found myself waking up only looking forward to seeing her and talking to her and I felt just alive. It has been a lifetime since I felt anything like it.

I 100% do not expect that to be a thing. I am old enough and have been around the bush enough times to know hitting it off with someone does not mean anything.

What is a thing is that I had feelings and joy in my heart and it wasn't for my partner.

I don't know what to do or how to do it, but I think it has to be worse for my partner to be in this dead, stale relationship than to separate? Doesn't it?

You guys I feel like a total asshole and my partner's MH is already dodgy - very emotionally labile to the point where 3 days out of the week I have to spend like 45m comforting her after a whole day at her terrible job (which she had to get when she quit her old job ((which she used to love)) to move here FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP)

I tend to be quite codependent so her lability and MH issues make me feel responsible for her and the guilt is crushing.

Idk what do you think?

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schwenomorph t1_j6loieq wrote

Tell her you cheated. You're an absolute disgrace of a human being and a coward. Tell her so she can be with someone who'll love her. You resent her because she moved to be with you? Are you fucking serious? Congrats, you've not only ruined your relationship with your loving wife who upended her entire life for you, but as soon as she finds out (which she will), you'll have gutted and destroyed her.

This is all your fault. Stop whining about feeling guilty. Tell your poor wife what a disgusting piece of shit you are so she can find someone better.

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Lucky-Beautiful2083 t1_j6n8ilv wrote

Having a spark with someone is not cheating lmao😭 losing feelings for someone is natural and a part of life. Stop acting sanctimonious, everyone is human

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Ok-fifi-78 t1_j6lp3su wrote

Very quickly, break up. Tell her you dont love her anymore, the truth.

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lumpydukeofspacenuts t1_j6lsne4 wrote

You're not responsible for her MH after you breakup but I can grunted you're part of the issue now, you piece of shit.

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Odd_Craft3946 t1_j6mq5du wrote

Just to be clear, you resent her for leaving her job and city to be with you ? Yea stop wasting this woman’s life

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UAFiend OP t1_j6p4ual wrote

No but for the guilt it brings. Feelings aren't fair. I wanted everything for this to work out. I loved her with all my heart and have the utmost respect snd admiration for her.

As time has gone on my everything has soured and I feel more alone than ever.

She's done nothing wrong but that doesn't mean I can stand to stay.

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Pricklypicklepump t1_j6mjl1u wrote

Rip the band aid off. You've wasted two more years of this girls life that you didn't need to waste. 2 years where she could have been back in her old city, working her old job and getting over her failed relationship with you surrounded by people she loves. Instead, you've spent the past two years letting her becoming more dependant and reliant on you, which is going to hurt her more in the long run.

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Lucky-Beautiful2083 t1_j6lkz1z wrote

Do what makes your heart happy. Life is too short to be in relationships that dont fulfil your needs.

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Lucky-Beautiful2083 t1_j6n6zyp wrote

I dont know why everyone is downvoting my comment when everyone else said break up aswell lol, if he has fallen out of love with her and in love with someone else he should pursue that.

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UAFiend OP t1_j6o3v78 wrote

I think you didn't say anything mean or invalidate my admissions of guilt, responsibility and contrition enough.

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Lucky-Beautiful2083 t1_j6opmp1 wrote

Lol, ive been through the same thing.

Me and my ex were in an unhappy relationship, i fell out of love and my current partner who was also in an unhappy relationship at the time also fell out of love with her, and then we fell in love with eachother. We left those relationships behind and got together and its the best decision we couldve made. Initially there was a lot of pain involved for all people, however We have been very happily together for over 3 years, my ex has moved onto a happier and healthier relationship and my partners ex is still single but shes happy in doing so because she wasnt ready for a serious relationship anyway.

So thats an example of how even though everyone else here thinks your a "piece of shit", i think you're a human who is allowed to love who he wants and allowed to make mistakes if they turn out to be mistakes, if that also makes me a piece of shit for thinking that, thats fine. Like i say, life is too short. If i wasted any more years of my life where i was, and not having what i have now, i would never forgive myself.

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UAFiend OP t1_j6oywrx wrote

They eat pieces of shit like us for breakfast around here.

Glad to hear your story has a happy end. Take care.

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