My best friend and I are in the same professional field of employment. He's in a junior, temporary position, while I'm here for the long-term as a stable, rooted employee. The way the best jobs at the largest firms are acquired is for the most part via word of mouth and references.

My friend has been asking me to help him out in the search for a permanent position. I'm considerably older and more experienced than him, and he knows I have references and connections in our field who would easily be able to assist him, if not to just give advice on how to proceed. I know my friends would adore him and that he would absolutely be qualified for these jobs, intellectually, emotionally, professionally, and even by work ethic. We work together all the time, and I enjoy every bit of it and can rely on his professional opinion (which in my experience is rare).

I've refused each time. Sometimes I'd say I would but never put in effort, and other times, I'd tell him I'd have to think about it and never get back to him. But no direct refusals, because I don't want to appear mean and make him upset.

I don't want to connect him because I think he might have an incentive to only be my friend because I'm helping him. There isn't anything he's done to make me think this is likely, but it's a general suspicion I have. He's told me in different contexts that best friends should have each other's best interests at heart. I believe this, but I just don't want to feel used by him. He always gives me advice, and is very nice to me, but I feel like if I help him out, he'll stop doing so once he gets a job.

The last time he asked was a few weeks ago. He told me he's very deep into the job search, and is now distant. How can I maintain our friendship while not referring him to jobs or connections?

tl;dr best friend is very qualified and asks me for professional connections, I refuse because I don't want to lose him

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Cheeze_Pleeze t1_j6lui1r wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:10 AM

You are withholding help from your “best friend” because you are afraid he’ll stop being your friend if you help him? Grow up man. Have some respect for those you call friends wtf

Guilty_Coconut t1_j6lunbm wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:11 AM

Give the referral. It’s what friends do.

You say he’d be good at the job.... help a friend out.

I’d ghost you too. You’re a terrible friend. Friends are there for each other when it matters most. This matters. You’re being a lousy friend

00Lisa00 t1_j6lw5jj wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:29 AM

This literally makes no sense. You call him your best friend but you doubt his motives. Just give him the referral. Sounds like you’re losing him anyway because you’re not being HIS friend. You’re being super selfish and not a true friend

southcoastal t1_j6lwxky wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:38 AM

I’m surprised he still wants to be friends with you. Because you’re not acting like his friend at all.

I thought you were going to say you would t refer him because he would be shit at the job which would be understandable.

But to refuse even though it would benefit him and your company is just you being a shit friend.

Hopefully he will get a good job on his own and ditch you as a crap friend.

Impossible-Cap-7150 t1_j6ly5w4 wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:53 AM

If I knew they had a good work ethic and knowledge and would be a good fit, I wouldn’t hesitate to give a friend a reference or other help finding a job. Your reasoning makes no sense. I’m in my current position because a colleague who knew one of my friends but didn’t really know me personally gave me a referral and it’s changed my life.

You have an interesting idea of what friendship is.

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