Just found out that I’m going to be a dad

Submitted by pawpawpaddler t3_117dky3 in rva

I’m freaking out: My girlfriend of almost a year just took a test and turns out she’s pregnant. I have never really wanted children and she wants to keep it. I love her and plan to be with her the rest of our lives, so I guess I am going to have a child..

I’m looking for advice and also more specifically I’m trying to find support groups in the Richmond area for first time fathers.

For context, I’m 31 she’s 35. We both have decent full time jobs with benefits. She bought a home back in august and we had recently decided that I would move in with her in April.

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RVADoberman t1_j9bqdot wrote

Congrats! As soon as you get over the shock, get to work scrubbing “she wants it so I guess I’m having a child” out of your mindset. Not judging here, it just isn’t helpful and you don’t want that to blossom into full-blown resentment when things get tough.

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9c0356 wrote

Fair point, I realize it’s an “us” thing now and I need to start ridding myself of selfish thoughts. Thanks

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gowhatyourself t1_j9clzt9 wrote

Yep. You're going to be the support role and at first you will feel useless in comparison to what your girlfriend is doing. This is OK! Get meals squared away, make sure she stays hydrated and comfortable, and spend lots of time with her and the baby going "holy shit I'm a dad we are parents I would give my life for this poop machine this is nuts".

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LostDefectivePearl t1_j9c6v63 wrote

I do not come to this sub for such deep truths but thank you, this is a great example of how love is a choice we can make rather than something that happens to us

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badkilly t1_j9enp19 wrote

So much this. I grew up in a house with a dad who didn’t want children, and it was obvious to me every day of my childhood. No child should grow up feeling unwanted.

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_beers_and_gears_ t1_j9bo3qx wrote

Congratulations.

I took a class from Virginia Fatherhood Foundation that was helpful. I think they have some other resources too.

The hospitals usually have helpful classes as well.

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[deleted] t1_j9cii0r wrote

[deleted]

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Candid-Ear-4840 t1_j9ck8g6 wrote

I was literally shocked the first time I found out that in the USA, the top cause of maternal death during pregnancy is homicide. I thought expectant mothers were more likely to die of, like, pre-eclampsia or ectopic pregnancies or heart attacks or something going wrong during childbirth.

Nope. It’s murder. like WTAF????

“Women in this country are more likely to be murdered while pregnant or shortly after giving birth than to die from the three leading obstetric causes of maternal death—including pregnancy-related high blood pressure, bleeding, or sepsis.

“Most murders of pregnant people are linked to intimate partner violence and gun violence, both of which are more common in the United States than in other high-income countries.”

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/homicide-is-top-cause-of-death-during-pregnancy

Apparently it’s more “useful” (edit: for the general population) to learn how to avoid killing your pregnant partner than it is to learn how to recognize the signs that your pregnant partner is having a heart attack. I still struggle to wrap my head around this.

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_beers_and_gears_ t1_j9cipd8 wrote

Wow. I had a very different experience. I imagine it varies by who is giving the class.

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CRothg t1_j9dda0n wrote

I became a dad 6 months ago and this class was really helpful for me too.

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gowhatyourself t1_j9bx302 wrote

I've got a 3 year old and a 1 year old so I'm still relatively "early" in the Dad Game. I would repeat the following to yourself every moment you feel that inescapable rush of "oh fuck" barreling to the forefront of your mind:

We will be fine. We got this.

It can be tricky and taxing, but you're going to have the time of your life. Your girlfriend is in for quite a few ups and downs and it is extremely important you're giving her your full support before and after the kid makes their debut. She is going to turn into some hormone driven superhuman that can survive on 3 hours of sleep and you will feel feeble and weak by comparison. This is eye opening and normal.

I don't have any advice as far as support groups or anything like that, but it's not rocket science. You will figure it out. It's one of lifes greatest adventures.

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Puzzleheaded-Egg1723 t1_j9calm0 wrote

As a mom, this man gets all the props. Support that momma with all you have. It will make her feel safe. Make your relationship stronger and lead to a beautiful life for your baby to be welcomed into.

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Djlewzer t1_j9dbg94 wrote

If you need daycare, start looking now.

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airquotesNotAtWork t1_j9de2gb wrote

Not tomorrow. Now. Get on lists. Be prepared to have to travel out of your way for care until your preferred/close daycare has a spot for yours at their appropriate age. This is not something to sleep on. I’ve had two kids in daycare, pre and post pandemic and both times it’s been a PITA for care.

That said, congrats, being a dad is awesome.

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Ayk865 t1_j9dp83h wrote

Came to say this. And add your name to preschool. My second child is 2 months old and is already deep into a waitlist for a preschool starting in 2025

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9fnvwz wrote

Damn, I would never have thought of that this early. Thank you for the heads up! Any suggestions in the area?

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Djlewzer t1_j9hht3y wrote

We use Tuckaway Varina. We like it a lot. Our daughter is super happy there and excited to go. There are Tuckaway locations in other parts of the city too, but I don’t know much about them.

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OPACY_Magic t1_j9bvy9w wrote

You’re both financially stable, have a house, and love each other. You and your child will be fine.

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Huckles123 t1_j9bmma8 wrote

Paw Paw Paddler? More like Papa Paddler now… can’t help you anymore than, hopefully, the little levity I just provided. Good luck-I’m sure you’ll be fine!

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9c07gd wrote

Lol yes thank you for helping keep things light. It’s been a very heavy day emotionally

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Historical-Ostrich18 t1_j9bx5y8 wrote

I'm running a free 8-week parenting counseling/support group for dads of younger kids (< 13 years old) online that starts this week--DM me if you're interested and I can fill you in on details

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cleverocks t1_j9cr872 wrote

Enjoy parenthood it’s a bitch but of the best kind.

Vasectomies are a great thing to think about if you want to stop with one.

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StayPositiveRVA t1_j9fcjpe wrote

Yeah, co-sign this. My wife and I thought we wanted multiple kids. We got a really great, sweet little dude and we both kind of looked at each other and said, “I’m good with just him.”

Got my vasectomy about 10 months after he was born. Was in and out in like an hour and fifteen minutes, with just a few days of tenderness after. Can’t put a price on the peace of mind it offers.

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9focgq wrote

I was thinking about getting one before all this but never got around to it 🤦🏻‍♂️ we’re definitely gonna consider it after the first

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stoned_brad t1_j9d885n wrote

I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years back. Was pretty sure I didn’t even want kids, and had never even held a baby until I held my daughter for the first time.

I was fucking terrified, and therapy didn’t help. All the fear and anxiety disappeared the first time I held my little girl, and she wrapped her tiny hand around my finger.

Her mom and I didn’t end up getting together, but we worked through the issues we had, and we work very well together. She and I are both now married. Her husband is a great stepdad, and my wife is an amazing stepmom, as well as mom to our two boys.

I was on a pretty self destructive path before she showed up. Now, I’m still a far ways from perfect, but I honestly believe that my daughter saved my life.

Feel free to dm me if you want to talk further.

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Rogleson t1_j9btmz6 wrote

Your partner's OBGYN should have a list of recommendations.

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100835 t1_j9c7zo4 wrote

Nobody is ever ready. Even when they think they are. My best parenting advice....don't listen to anyone's parenting advice! You'll figure out what works for you and your new family. Congratulations!

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9c8mi7 wrote

Thank you. This has been the general advice I’ve received from the fathers I’ve talked to today; it will be okay, you’ll figure it out, it will be great. It’s still hard for me to believe it, but hearing that message be so consistent among fathers I respect has been reassuring

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100835 t1_j9cfe8q wrote

Well that actually was coming from a mom's perspective - but I'm glad to hear it across the aisle - congrats!

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momthom427 t1_j9d0f8d wrote

I wasn’t ready as a mom, either. I was the youngest in my family and never had younger ones around to babysit. I read a lot and was happy about the pregnancy, but I do remember thinking on my discharge day “are they really just going to let me walk out of here with a baby?” And yes, of course they did because he was mine. And though I was often unsure and nervous for the first few months, we got along just beautifully and he is a happy, healthy, fine young man who is one of my two greatest accomplishments in this life. You’ll figure it out together, day by day. Enjoy the ride together- it’s going to go faster than you can imagine. Oh- and start an education fund right now. Congratulations- you’ve got this.❤️

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Notthatianmcewan t1_j9cz5oc wrote

I second this. Every kid and family different. You will find your own things that work.

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upearlyRVA t1_j9bph0h wrote

Congrats! Not many people feel "ready" as the little one doesn't come with an instruction manual, but you guys will figure it out. There will be plenty of trying times, but that little smile and giggle will make it all worth it!!!

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mosaic_hops t1_j9c6pdk wrote

Nobody’s ready. If you think you are, you’re not. But your life’s about to change in the most amazing way possible. Kids are awesome even when they’re assholes.

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NashEwing t1_j9c87bw wrote

Being a dad is fucking awesome. I wasn't really sure I wanted kids most of my adult life. Mid 30s we decided to do it, and I'm so glad we did. Kids are the best. Not going to lie . . . it's not easy, but it's also amazing in so many ways. Seriously, congratulations.

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piersode t1_j9d4jsy wrote

Wow, your situation is almost identical to mine outside of the ages. I never wanted kids either, in fact neither of us did, but there is currently an almost 1 month old sleeping in my lap at this very second and I've gotta say... it's pretty awesome man. I would start just by talking to any friends you have that had kids recently, or feel free to DM me, but one thing I'll say is all your doubts about your ability to raise a child go out the window once they're here and the feeling can't really be described. The moment he arrived was unlike anything I have ever felt or thought I could feel

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mistress_of_disco t1_j9blh98 wrote

Congratulations from Boston, Massachusetts! Try your local public library and your PCP. They usually have notices about upcoming parenting classes and/or workshops. Good luck!

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blueskieslemontrees t1_j9cq6a0 wrote

This is more for her than you but myBirth RVA is a fantastic coop that can connect her with a lot of providers, doulas, midwives, prep classes, post partum, lactation consultants etc.

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never_graduating t1_j9d2b44 wrote

I did this class and was actually going to suggest the same thing. I think the myBirth class helps involve the dad quite a bit. There’s a lot of knowledge about what to expect for the pregnancy and the birth, and it helped make it feel like an ‘us’ process instead of it just being all me while he spectated. Having a doula is really nice as well. Not super cheap but if it’s something you can swing it helps smooth the process out.

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PuffyMcScrote t1_j9d1lyq wrote

Bookmark this post for your kid. It'll explain a lot.

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1975hh3 t1_j9dkskj wrote

I never wanted kids. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My daughter is now a junior at UVA and on the deans list. She makes me THE PROUDEST. Congrats dude♥️

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a_cycle_addict t1_j9bmihc wrote

Congratulations Dad.

You will be just fine!

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9fom09 wrote

I feel like I’m not technically a Dad yet, but thank you

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ConstantRunnerVA t1_j9cyhiz wrote

Hi there! I'm DMing you about the fathers of young children group you're starting up. I saw your post on the r/RVA subreddit and am interested. Is there a website with more information?

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Historical-Ostrich18 t1_j9f3h51 wrote

&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/cw0hzb0o6lja1.jpeg?width=1650&format=pjpg&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=73d377f376e2046a20c5291026c59a14d6d9f8cb

u/ConstantRunnerVA The free support group that I'm running for fathers is centered around exploring a "conscious parenting" approach--mindful, holistic way to parenting that emphasizes awareness, listening and mutual respect. The group starts tonight (Tuesday 2/21) and runs for 8 sessions. Reach out to the email address on the flyer to register or you can send me a direct message on Reddit if you have any questions.

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DeannaZone t1_j9e2xso wrote

www.findhelp.org they have different things and apply for Medicaid (Prenatal) and WIC as soon as possible and do not listen to any family member that tells you it is not worth the hassle. I wish I had kept it the full time my son was within age.

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katebishop121196 t1_j9e6jqx wrote

Congratulations OP!!! I know it’s a shock. I don’t know about you but I’ve always heard great things about being a parent and how amazing it can be. The fact that you’re here just looking for advice and support speaks volumes. Good on you Sir!!!

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gracetw22 t1_j9cwh9q wrote

Do you have a dog? The best thing I feel like I can tell people about parenting is how you know you wouldn't get up and go to a park and sit on a bench and enjoy it for yourself, but you take a dog to the park to watch them see the big world and explore it, and their joy in that experience makes something really meh and turns it into something you enjoy and want to do. Parenting is a lot like that. A lot of it sounds really horrible without the context of loving your kid.

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9cxtsi wrote

We don’t but we were already in the process of looking for one for when I move in. Looking for a berniedoodle or something like it! This is a great analogy though, thanks

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never_graduating t1_j9d2ikh wrote

Puppy + baby is hard. Not saying don’t do it, but it does come with its own challenges.

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slazengerx t1_j9drwdc wrote

> I have never really wanted children and she wants to keep it.

r/childfree would like to have a word with you.

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PrestigiousGap820 t1_j9fspum wrote

PSA: If you aren't actively trying to prevent pregnancy every single time you have sex, this can happen to you. Discuss with your partner what you are both doing to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and what you are comfortable with if a pregnancy does occur. If you don't want children I highly suggest sterilization.

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turkey1234 t1_j9g4p40 wrote

Congrats! You’ll be fine :) good luck

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Turtlethymes t1_j9hbv5m wrote

I suggest looking into the support a birth doula and postpartum doula can provide. Richmond is full of them!

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ohsweetpeaches t1_j9cdptj wrote

Congrats! She should join the RVA Moms FB group - it’s a wildly helpful bunch of moms!

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a_real_tomato t1_j9deqft wrote

I’d recommend Mom Friends (also RVA specific) over RVA Moms. I’ve seen some insane arguments and mom shaming on that group, and I almost never see that on Mom Friends.

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ohsweetpeaches t1_j9drqki wrote

Interesting! Is it unsearchable? I don’t see it nor have I seen it come up in my time as a mom on FB. I think all groups have their drama some way or another, but I have also seen lots of people come together in the RVA Moms group to help each other many times.

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ConstantRunnerVA t1_j9cy765 wrote

Congratulations! It's the best, hardest job you'll ever have.

I highly recommend r/daddit. It's a super wholesome and supportive community.

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firstlight777 t1_j9f1f32 wrote

You are in way better of a situation than lots of people, myself included, when this happened. Every child needs a dad, even if y'all don't stay together "forever", you are going to be a dad, 90% of being a good dad is showing up consistently. Another thing, don't be the woman's doormat, take charge, lead the family, she will respond positively to not having make every decision or be asked about everything. Sincerely, dude who got girl he was dating pregnant at 23, her 20. Still together 20 years later. Good luck, stay you, be your best you.

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Zodimized t1_j9g3q2j wrote

If you didn't wanna be a dad, you should have gotten clipped

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Winterfell_Ice t1_j9f7doj wrote

Ok Bro, time to be the most downvoted guy in the history of Reddit.

First Congratulations but now comes the fun part. Make sure it's yours. Your saying she's 35 and to me that means her bio clock alarm went off and she wanted a baby NOW! I've read way too many stories about guys thinking that it's theirs when it's not. There are NON-Invasive tests to show paternity.

Prenatal DNA testing makes it possible to confirm paternity as early as 7 weeks into the pregnancy, using a non-invasive method to provide highly accurate results. At no risk to your health or the health of your unborn child, this lab test can establish a DNA link to the child's biological father.

I know your scared and exited about being a Dad but before she pops the kid out and it comes out looking like a different race or showing 0 of your traits get a test to avoid the baby trap. Too many women these days want to screw around and have a nice guy chump pay for their baby knowing full well that the child isn't theirs. Hell look at some of the Youtube or Reddit stories, I read one yesterday about a guy with 5 kids, none of them were his after 27 years of marriage, his wife was screwing his cousin while he worked 80 hour weeks to provide for his family. don't be that guy. You can pass it off as checking for Birth Defects or ask the doctor quietly but do it now before your on the hook for another mans child.

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pawpawpaddler OP t1_j9fnpmg wrote

I appreciate your concern but am 100% sure that there is no funny business happening here

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Winterfell_Ice t1_j9fs28h wrote

Then I'll leave it at that and truly do extend my heartfelt Congratulations. All children are a blessing and I wish you all much happiness.

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[deleted] t1_j9czhrx wrote

[removed]

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rva-ModTeam t1_j9d6fxv wrote

This content has been removed as it is considered rabble rousing, trolling, brigading, and/or inauthentic discourse. We encourage good-faith discussions from anyone, but we do not like jerks. If you're going to be the Jerk of the Year, please don't do that here.

Do not use alt or brand new throwaway accounts to manipulate votes, attack another user, avoid a previous ban or moderator action, or artificially-inflate comments with similar views.

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ShadyAdvise t1_j9dzety wrote

You should have gotten married before the kid and the house. Get your mind right, pray regularly, and work hard, and it'll work out but you can't continue doing what brought you here - it's obviously not working

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SaltyBarDog t1_j9ezqg7 wrote

User name checks out.

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ShadyAdvise t1_j9f9l76 wrote

What about my advice do you not agree with?

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SaltyBarDog t1_j9ffh2p wrote

All of it.

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ShadyAdvise t1_j9flvvh wrote

Why do you advise against marriage before having kids? Against getting your mind right? Against working hard? I'm interested in why you disagree with all my advice

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SaltyBarDog t1_j9h2m1i wrote

Marriage before children offers no guarantee of a successful relationship or parenting. I will restrict my response to your prayer comment and just tell you that another's religion is none of your business. OP came in looking for support and encouragement and you came off as judgemental.

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ShadyAdvise t1_j9j9rh4 wrote

You are moving the goals posts my brother, I never typed the word guarantee before this reply. You are stating that because marriage offers no guarantee of a successful relationships or parenting you advise against getting married? Seat belts don't guarantee my safety in a car but I still advise people to wear them.

Why would you be against prayer? I made no mention of religion, I said "Pray regularly". You can speak your intentions to the universe, you can say the lord's prayer if you're Christian, you can say ayat al kursi if you're Muslim. I made no mention of religion, I spoke on spiritually. Please explain why you'd advise against strengthening your faith and ties to the universe.

I give someone advise and tell them what they need to do to better their life and that became judgemental how? Did I say "Oh I'd never do this...you're an idiot for doing that..." No. I don't know this man or what allowed him to end up in this predicament, who am I to judge him. But I can recognize that he's hurting and looking for help, and you don't do that unless you made decisions that have put you in a position of hurting.

You're projecting your own assumptions onto my advise. Realize that you advised this man against working hard, against getting your mind right. All because you had a strong emotional reaction to my advise. Which most likely stems from a previously bad experience with someone who have similar advise as mine. Take a step back brother and realize what we've EACH WRITTEN. Not what you can infer, from your assumption, based off your experience with people who say...but what we've EACH WRITTEN. And you'll find that to disagree with EVERYTHING I've advised is asinine, fairly immature, and speaks to your projections moreso than my words

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SaltyBarDog t1_j9jhpr2 wrote

Who is moving goalposts? Why are you so busy pushing marriage onto someone? I don't advise people to get married or not get married.

Sure prayer isn't religion. Any other fairy tales you would like to spin? I am an atheist, just who should I pray to, a computer? You didn't recommend meditation or consulting others with more experience, which he specifically asked for support groups, but you bitched he wasn't married first and said he should pray and his head wasn't right.

I am still standing with my assertion of all of it.

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